11/19/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, US
The Story: Did your plane get delayed due to that pesky ol’ FAA glitch? Don’t fret, here are some ways to keep yourself occupied in the airport.
The Search: FAA Glitch
The minutes leading up to any airplane departure can be wrought with restlessness and boredom. That’s why most airport interiors resemble malls. What better thing to do before you leave a city than stimulate its economy because you can’t go anywhere else. Many cities across the US are benefiting from this not-so-coincidental combination of commerce and aviation today, as an FAA glitch forced all sorts of flight delays across the nation. We here at OneRiot don’t want to speculate that this is just a government conspiracy to feed the economy, but we’re pretty sure plenty of folks are milling around airports with money to spend, curiously eying that kiosk with the $300 noise-canceling headphones. We know there are more desirable ways to pass the time when you’re waiting to fly the friendly skies than dilly-dallying in the duty free shops, so if you’re stranded at your gate and your flight is running late, here are some ideas to help you deal with being marooned at the skymall.
Introduce Yourself To Your Fellow Strandees- People in the same lousy predicament love complaining to one another and giving each other incredulous looks every time another announcement is made about more delays. Introducing yourself gives you the ability to put a name to each pained grimace. “This sucks, doesn’t it Dave?” Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Airlines, Bored, Travel
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11/19/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it
The Story: OneRiot takes a look at Mickey Mouse’s life as he celebrates his 81st birthday.
The Search: Mickey Mouse Birthday
On November 18th, 1928, the world was introduced to a cartoon mouse named Mickey through a short called Steamboat Willie (not to be confused with the lurid sexual position). Admittedly a minstrel character by origin, Mickey has seen America, and himself, through turmoil of all shades, only to remain an irremovable fixture in American pop culture. From humble beginnings of abusing animals by treating them as musical instruments to becoming the American icon chosen by effigy burners across the world, Mickey has endured, and today we salute him by looking back on his career.
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Tags: Disney, Entertainment, Mickey Mouse
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11/18/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it, Gossip
The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine. But is he man enough for this title?
The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the masses of sweaty, bearded, farting boars that are the males of this planet, one of us bastards must be the sexiest. People magazine, which has dedicated the working hours of all its employees to the study of only the most special people, has decided that Johnny Depp has got the more sex in him than any man. I, for one, am speaking for all those men who find this decision to be outrageous. Depp is not a real man, and therefore should only be regarded as sexiest among his foofy Hollywood peers. Survivorman Les Stroud is a real man. My housemate Greg, who just got his internet to work and did a victory dance, he’s a man. I, sitting here in dire need of a shower, am a man. You want to know why Depp received this honor? You want to hear it from a man?
First of all, Johnny Depp lives on a private Bahaman island. On this island, he is served by a staff whose only calling in life is to please one Johnny Depp. He hasn’t cleaned leaves out of a gutter, changed a tire, used a sock in lieu of toilet paper, or performed any of the tasks that make a man a man. He’s soft. I, on the other hand, cut my fingers every time I open my car door. My boy Joe doesn’t have a car. Instead he walks all over Philly and therefore has to carry a knife. Joe’s a man. If either of us had these ordeals lifted from our lives and suddenly entered a pampered reality, we wouldn’t be men. We would be Johnny Depp. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Celebrity, Johnny Depp, Man
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11/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, Science
The Story: Spending all that time in space has got to get a little boring for the crew of Atlantis, so OneRiot has provided them a list of fun things they can do while up there. Hope they get WiFi.
The Search: Atlantis
Spending time in space may sound great in theory. You get to see the rest of the universe from a perspective witnessed by only a handful of human eyes. However, while you may get to go for a couple of spacewalks and repair a few things, in the end it usually boils down to being stuck in the same spot with the same views for days on end with very few options for entertainment. With Atlantis docking today at the International Space Station, a motley crew of six astronaut dudes will be joining a lone female for eleven days spanning over the Thanksgiving holiday to perform experiments and other boring science stuff. While we’re not sure how much free time they’ll have, we’ve got a list of suggestions of fun things to do when you’re outside of Earth’s atmosphere that are made that much cooler by the knowledge that any activity sounds better with the word “space” in front of it.
Space Invaders- We don’t mean play the video game. Simply see how much you can invade the personal space of your fellow astronauts until it makes them angry. Helluva way to pass the time.
SpaceBall- It’s like baseball but with zero gravity and lots of fancy dials to damage that might result in you never returning home again. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Atlantis, Science, Space
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11/17/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Life & Culture
The Story: The Oxford American Dictionary has chosen “unfriending” as its word of the year. OneRiot gives our pick for other 2009 candidates.
The Search: Oxford Dictionary
Having 825 Facebook friends can often be a burden. The constant string of unwarranted and obnoxious status updates can drive a social networker absolutely batty. Treading lightly and keeping a finger on the “remove connection” button has become such a necessity in our digital society that the act of eliminating said connection a.k.a. “unfriending” has now emerged as a predominant daily quandary for the net set. Though this writer prefers to refer to it as de-friending, the Oxford American dictionary has chosen to recognize the former term as its “word of the year.” In celebration of the emergence of such popular new verbiage, we here at OneRiot thought it a good idea to proclaim our favorite words that have recently worked their way into the lexicon.
1. DVR- We know it’s only three letters, but along with Tivo these letters have managed to save our television viewing lives from an onslaught of car commercials, because who buys a car based on a commercial anyway?
2. Sexting- There’s no word that sounds like what it means more…and it means good times or getting expelled from high school. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Dictionary, Facebook, Language, Words
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11/17/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it
The Story: A lingerie company has created some naughty under garments that are equipped with a GPS system. Here are some scenarios where it could come in handy.
The Search: GPS Lingerie
Romantic love is a lot like chocolate; it has to be mixed with other agents in order to have a shelf life. Whereas the Hershey’s factory stocks up on candle wax and cockroach legs to lend support to its delectable candy bars, people in relationships supplement the joyous feelings of love with guilt, mistrust, and mind shattering paranoia. For those gentlemen who can’t seem to trust their women, or find them for that matter, Brazilian company Lindelucy has come out with Find Me If You Can lingerie equipped with a GPS tracking system; an outfit so slutty that she’d better not be wearing it anywhere.
We at OneRiot are well versed in the language of love, and can predict that the feminists out there might not be on board with this radical GPS in-my-panties concept. In order to change their minds, we’ve come up with a few hypothetical situations involving the Find Me If You Can that would make anyone consider wearing locating lingerie.
A Sexy Emergency
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Tags: GPS, Sex, Tacky
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11/16/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics
The Story: Wonder what Hillary and Sarah would talk about if they ever met up for coffee? We’ve got an idea or two.
The Search: Palin Clinton
On this weekend’s broadcast of NBC’s Meet The Press, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told host David Gregory that she’d find the prospect of sitting down with Sarah Palin over a hot cuppa joe “very interesting.” All of this hullabaloo stems from a passage in the former VP hopeful’s book “Going Rogue” where the hockey mom intimates that if the two ever meet up for some java they would “fundamentally disagree on many issues.”
While that assessment is probably an understatement, we think these two ladies could stand to learn a lot from one another. We’re not sure if this Starbucks Summit will ever take place, but we have a few ideas about what might come up should these two very different female heads of state ever sip together in or out of the political realm:
1.) Geography- Ms. Palin knows where Russia is and now has even seen parts of Asia. That’s a lot of foreign soil. However, as a former first lady and current Secretary of State, we think Hillary can help school Sarah on world capitals and foreign leaders that she can’t see from her porch.
2.) Hockey- As a self-professed Hockey Mom, Ms. Palin sure knows her way around the rink. SP could explain to Hillary why after the 2004-2005 NHL lockout the league’s decision to abolish the two-line pass rule and institute overtime shootouts were pivotal to the survival of the “coolest game on earth.”
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Tags: Clinton, Palin, Starbucks
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11/16/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it
The Story: Hasbro is giving My Little Pony a magical revival. OneRiot has some perfect pony ideas of our own.
The Search: My Little Pony
When it comes to what kids want, no one has their finger on the pulse like Hasbro. Whether it’s because they’re just that perceptive or they’re brainwashing our children, Hasbro’s effectiveness is now manifesting itself in the revival of forgotten things and a ridiculous amount of merchandising (I’m writing this article while wearing my Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen bedroom slippers and tiara combo). With all the action-packed remakes catering to little boys with ADD and internet access, Hasbro has decided to pick up the slack with product lines targeted at little girls. With interests of that demographic going in a generally inappropriate direction, the toy giant is revisiting a more wholesome time, when girls dreamed of multicolored stallions with big spikes growing out of their faces. My Little Pony is coming back to TV and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
With the new show and subsequent toy line on the horizon, we have been pondering which tactics Hasbro will be using to maintain the magic and fantasy while simultaneously keeping costs down and bolstering their profit margin. Naturally, being the on-the-fly thinkers we are, we came up with a few ideas of our own.
Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: 90's, Toys, TV
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11/13/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under OneRiot News
On Tuesday of next week, OneRiot’s Tobias Peggs will be joining Erick Schonfeld (TechCrunch), Akhil Wable (Facebook), Vik Singh (Yahoo Inc.) and Gerry Campbell (Collecta) at New York’s Web 2.0 Expo to discuss the internet shift from static to realtime.
If you’re attending the conference, drop Tobias a note - he’d love to see you there.
What: Web 2.0 Expo New York
Where: Jacob K. Javits Convention Center
When: November 16-19, 2009
Panel Information: 10:05am Tuesday, 11/17/2009; Room 1A21
More panel info after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »
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11/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US
The Story: A man gets jail time after making a booty-call to 911. OneRiot helps you determine when you should, and when you shouldn’t, dial those three little digits.
The Search: Sex 911 Call
According to the Public Safety and Homeland Security Bureau, “911 lines are designated for emergency calls, such as reporting a crime in progress, reporting a fire, or requesting an ambulance.” Notice that nowhere in that official description is there mention of a “sexual emergency”. If only Joshua Basso had access to that description prior to calling those three digits, he’d have saved himself from a heap of trouble…and not sexy trouble like getting a flat tire in a porn film. The 29-year-old Tampa Resident was arrested after aiming lewd comments at a 9-1-1 operator and subsequently throwing in a little “my place or yours” action in the hopes of completing a titillating tryst with said catastrophe clerk. While we understand Basso’s reluctance to dial a 1-900 number on account of the hefty cost, there are certain things you just can’t justify calling a public emergency hotline for–and dirty talk is most certainly one of them. In order to get a handle on other emergency phone-pas, OneRiot is taking a stroll down memory lane and throwing in some new suggestions of our own of when not to call 9-1-1.
1.Fast Food Fix- From the woman in Haltom City, Texas who dialed the three magic numbers to complain that her local Chinese restaurant had been skimping on the shrimp to the recent incident in Hawaii when a drive-thru customer rang to complain over a missing box of OJ from his Mickey D’s breakfast; these are situations best left for a managerial complaint or the Better Business Bureau, lest the cops consider the withholding of a single prawn to be a hostage situation.
2. When You’re Being Adorable- Kids are adorable…and sometimes adorable kids make life saving phone calls. Sometimes they just want help with their math homework. Awww. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: 9/11, emergency, Sex
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