Economy | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Billionaires Fight Arch Enemies, Social Issues

5/21/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

The invitation read “Billionaires only.” If millionaires even stood a chance of attending the top secret pow wow of the world’s most powerful philanthropists, they’d have to apply for waitstaff positions. Lord knows they could use the extra cash.

They were all there, inside the hallowed halls of Rockefeller University earlier this month. Ted Turner, Warren E. Buffett, George Soros, New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, Bill Gates, David Rockefeller Sr., and of course Oprah.

So what did this well-to-do gang of do-gooders, who since 1996 have contributed an estimated $72.5 billion to charitable causes, discuss during the hush-hush session put together by the all-powerful Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Early rumors suggested the “talks” were merely a front for the induction of Oprah into the Illuminati amidst a slew of ritual sacrifices of every single member of the Justice League.

However, word has since recently come down from on high that the sage Samaritans tackled tough issues and brainstormed for “ways to promote efforts to solve growing social problems in America and abroad.” Sure, the earlier rumors were a lot more interesting, but in the end it’s good to know that these dollar dynamos are using their money for good instead of evil.

Tags: Bill Gates, Oprah, Philanthropy

Teens Losing (Less of) It on Prom Night

5/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While many of us remember senior prom as our final carefree romp before entering the hellish real world, the class of 2009 is under a bit more pressure to keep the cost down. The dress, the flowers, the meth, the limo, and the ticket itself can add up to quite a bundle, and mom and dad have woes of their own. I mean, look at dad. Ever since he got laid off he just sits in the garage in that tattered bathrobe varnishing that disfigured piece of drift wood over and over again. It’s kind of disturbing, really.

Anyhow, while some fret about the lost luster of the momentous end-of-innocence celebration, plenty of enterprising teenagers are taking back the prom by being resourceful. Some have decided to skip the fancy venue and rent out an old folks home instead (i would say ’senior’ but that would get confusing). Many have decided to skip the limo in favor of driving or quickly walking to the event. Rather than going all out on the dress and the hair, girls are borrowing items or making them out of discarded burlap.

Many whose family’s are so strapped that they couldn’t afford prom tickets were desperate for a solution, which thankfully emerged in the form of an alternative event sponsored by a local seafood processing plant, aptly titled ‘Prawn 2009′.

Tags: Economy, Prom, Teens

Twitter Quits Hating on @Replies, Kanye Takes Over

5/13/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy, Gossip, Life & Culture, Politics, Science

Kanye West did the entire world a favor today by announcing that he does not, did not, and will not ever have a Twitter account. The popular producer, fashionista and vocoder spokesman blogged about his distaste for the medium, suggesting that using it would only keep him from being the voice of a generation we have all come to ‘love’ and ‘respect.’

West also ragged on Twitter founder Jack Dorsey for allowing fake celebrity accounts to continue slandering their real celebrity counterparts: “IT’S A F*CKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE.” (Note following picture of #1 Kanye fake. Seriously, Jack - how do you know?!)

Tags: Kanye West, Twitter

Ye Olde Trickle Down // The Senior Stimulus Spend-Off

4/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

50 million retirees will march to their mailbox in the coming few weeks, perhaps assisted by a cane or live in nurse, and discover their advancing years and jobless state have brought them a sweet, sweet gift from the caring pockets of the United States Government.

Their present, a check for two hundred and fifty smackeroos, will be aimed at providing the US economy with a nice little boost at the hands of spend-happy seniors. So what does the government expect will come of this massive doling out? Well, one theory is that this is all an attempt to bailout makers of Fix-o-dent and Ensure in one fell swoop, but we think it’s all part of a more ingenious plan.

By supplying the elderly with monetary stimulus, grandchildren around the nation will be moved to suck up to their parent’s parents in the hopes of receiving a little bit of loot. They’ll have to use the phone since the elderly don’t know how to use computers, thereby providing a boost to the national telecommunications providers. Newly armed with checks in the range of 83 cents to $50, these most ravenous of youthful consumers will purchase everything from the latest Hannah Montana dolls to the hottest new Sony Playstation3 games made overseas, thereby siphoning heaps of cash into the global toy market, which will in turn put America’s money right back where it belongs: in Japan. Global Economic crisis averted (GObama).

Tags: Economy, Obama, Senior Citizens

Ouch: Spain Scores Highest Unemployment Rate

4/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

We Americans like to pride ourselves at being the best. The best at American Football, the best at making addictive quickly prepared yet unhealthy processed foods, the best at being obnoxious while visiting other countries, and last but not least, the best at being unemployed.

While we may be the winners in that last category based on sheer numbers, Spain looks like Spain looks like they’ve got us on percentage. The European nation’s jobless rate is currently eating up the pie charts at a whopping 17.1%. That means more than four million Spaniards are sin trabajo. However, unlike the United States, Spain’s jobless woes have less to do with a flagging economy and more with a shortage of bulls or “toros,” which has left hundreds of unemployed matadors wandering the streets with their red capes searching for handouts or at least a few spirited oles. Sigh… no es triste?

Tags: Economy, Spain

…And by Laid We Mean Laid Off

4/17/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

There seems to be some semblance of social justice upon first glance at an article that reads, “Lawyer Survives Plane Crash And Gets Laid.” Nevermind that the survivor was an attorney; surviving a plane crash and getting laid in two consecutive outings just seems like a rare feat even for the most unscrupulous of professionals.

Unfortunately, not all’s well that ends well, both with headline and with this story. It turns out the headline had a few more words than we originally read hidden on the line below, which continued with “Off The Next Day.” So, instead of gettin’ lucky twice, Frank Scudere, a survivor of Capt. Sully’s famed USAIR flight 1549, returned to work the day after nearly being axed by Canadian Geese to be similarly sentenced by pink paper. The previous day’s predicament did illicit some temporary sympathy from the higher ups as they held off on Scudere’s marching orders until, well… March. Sorry, Frank - but can’t you find a lawsuit in there somewhere?

Tags: Economy, FML, Hudson River

Word Up, Prez: Obama Commits to Simplification of Tax Suckness

4/15/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While most sensible Americans are well prepared for April 15th, there are those of us who find the language on our tax forms daunting, and the amounts extracted from our paychecks undesirable enough to avoid the yearly “Paying of the Taxes” entirely. Likely a result of his being an average American most of his life, President Obama expressed today that he realizes how overcomplicated our tax code is and that he is working towards simplifying it.

Part of his declaration hinted at transparency; simply knowing where your tax dollars are going and having a say in where they should be spent, as outlined in the documents serving as the basis for our nation and every functioning democracy in the world. Certainly, over the past decade or so, oodles of our money have been allocated to efforts we don’t exactly agree with after we’ve already paid the balance. Would you have paid that $200 in federal taxes if you knew it would be used to buy the shifter for an armored humvee or the binoculars for a border patrol guard? Probably not. Here’s another promise, among many, that we like hearing. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Tags: Economy, Obama, Politics

Tax Day Freebies: Perks for Your Hurts

4/15/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Because We Feel Like it, Economy

You know what takes away the bitter pain of owing the IRS hundreds upon hundreds of dollars? A baja chicken taco, that’s what.

So - maybe not all of it - but all exaggeration aside, a couple of freebies on tax day are sure to make you feel a little, eensy, tinesy bit better. Shops all over the country are throwing in some complimentary goodies on account of this being the worst day of the year, and it’s your duty as a tax-paying American to take advantage of this glorious opportunity. Here are some of our favorite treats of the day:

Subway: Screw eating fresh. Go for the free greasy cookie that they are offering with their meals! MMM chocolatey!

Cinnabon: Free bite-sized cinnamon rolls from 5 to 8pm today (airport locations exempt, bastards.)

Chick-fil-A: While only featured in some locations, the chickeny fast food joint is letting you buy lunch, then return in the next 15 days with your receipt to get that same meal for free. Sweet.

T.G.I. Friday’s: Love artichoke dip? Well depending on how much you shell out at dinner or lunch today, you could snag a $5 or $10 gift card. (And it’s only Wednesday!)

HydroMassage Bed: Offering free Hyrdromassages at hundreds of outlets across the country (which is cool and kinda creepy at the same time).

OneRiot: I am offering my witty one liners and jokes up all day. Best freebie in town. Follow us on Twitter (and follow me too).

Vermont May Support Teen Textuality

4/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, Politics, US

Following the recent rash of controversial occurrences revolving around horny teenagers diddling around with technology, the sexually progressive state of Vermont is toying with the idea of encouraging trashy behavior in teenagers by legalizing the act of ’sexting.’ Sexting is defined as sending of naughty pictures or messages over the world wide phoneweb and under current law, when carried out between consenting teenagers falls under the category of child pornography where those found guilty become slapped with the sex offender label.

Whether or not the law is passed decriminalizing the act most Vermont teens will continue experiment with their sexuality either on myspace or a ratty couch in a friends wood paneled basement while their parents are away. The state however could have plans to discourage budding teen textuality in other ways, like distributing cellular jimmy hats and via state run programs such as “practicing safe cybersex” and “virtual abstinence”.

Tags: Cell Phones, Sex, Teens

Bailout Bummer

4/06/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy

While money does not grow on trees, it would appear that the federal government is still quite confused about that bit of information. What’s more, they appear to be quite confused that such mythical money trees do not actually exist inside the wallets of taxpayers, because recent studies by government financial analysts suggest an increase in the net cost taxpayers will incur when the new budget drops—from a pocket-change estimate of $189 billion to over $350 billion. If you are reading along, you will recognize that we are officially screwed.

While the outlook is bleak, it has been announced that some of this cash will be used to help out homeowners who’ve slid closer to foreclosure, as well as to return money to individuals whose banks have gone under. So, that’s good. In the meantime, we’d suggest some of our older readers get around to thanking their children, their grandchildren and their supposed great-grandchildren for bailing them out over the next fifty years or so.

Tags: Bailout, Economy

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