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Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Vermont May Support Teen Textuality

4/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, Politics, US

Following the recent rash of controversial occurrences revolving around horny teenagers diddling around with technology, the sexually progressive state of Vermont is toying with the idea of encouraging trashy behavior in teenagers by legalizing the act of ’sexting.’ Sexting is defined as sending of naughty pictures or messages over the world wide phoneweb and under current law, when carried out between consenting teenagers falls under the category of child pornography where those found guilty become slapped with the sex offender label.

Whether or not the law is passed decriminalizing the act most Vermont teens will continue experiment with their sexuality either on myspace or a ratty couch in a friends wood paneled basement while their parents are away. The state however could have plans to discourage budding teen textuality in other ways, like distributing cellular jimmy hats and via state run programs such as “practicing safe cybersex” and “virtual abstinence”.

Tags: Cell Phones, Sex, Teens

Bailout Bummer

4/06/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy

While money does not grow on trees, it would appear that the federal government is still quite confused about that bit of information. What’s more, they appear to be quite confused that such mythical money trees do not actually exist inside the wallets of taxpayers, because recent studies by government financial analysts suggest an increase in the net cost taxpayers will incur when the new budget drops—from a pocket-change estimate of $189 billion to over $350 billion. If you are reading along, you will recognize that we are officially screwed.

While the outlook is bleak, it has been announced that some of this cash will be used to help out homeowners who’ve slid closer to foreclosure, as well as to return money to individuals whose banks have gone under. So, that’s good. In the meantime, we’d suggest some of our older readers get around to thanking their children, their grandchildren and their supposed great-grandchildren for bailing them out over the next fifty years or so.

Tags: Bailout, Economy

One Fat Recession

3/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

As evidenced by frequent trips to chain restaurants, Americans want to get fatter, but today’s slumping economy has prevented that from happening.

A recent article has clued us in to the fact that plenty of those restaurants are cutting back on how much bang your waistline gets for your buck. At TGI Friday’s, customers asking for A1 are being given small dabs of the savory sauce instead of a chance to slather their meat entree in the entire bottle. Meanwhile at Chili’s the guiltless chicken sandwich only comes with one side instead of two, though it remains the same price. The biggest perpetrators of culinary crime against humanity might just be the Olive Garden, as one diner recounts:

“…A couple days ago, I went to an Olive Garden with my fiance. When we were having dinner I asked if they could bring us another basket of bread. The waitress brought the bread basket to the table and when I looked there were only two breadsticks in the bread basket. Before they would serve five at a time.”

HORROR (though you may have noticed said diner had no complaint about anything lacking with the never-ending salad bowl part of her meal). In our estimation, getting three bacon mini-cheeseburgers instead of four with your appetizer at Chili’s isn’t half bad. Just think, the extra money being spent is less than you’d have to pay for that personal trainer (and if all else fails, remember that there are starving children in Ethiopia who never get to demand extra ketchup for their fries). Stay strong America!

Tags: Economy, Fat

3.6T & Me: Obama’s Dishout Plan

2/27/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Politics, US

Obama rolled out a beefy budget yesterday, and the $3.6 trillion dollar outline (that’s $3,600,000,000,000) put so many 24K gold stars in our eyes that we cumulatively blacked out. When we came to licking parking meters, we realized not even the most monetarily mature can fight the power of a 13-digit bank account – so we thought up some ways to keep Obama from the dark side. Spend, spend, spend Mr. President, it’s the only way you’ll come out alive.

Bring on the Weather

Making it rain is fun, but spring showers will do nothing to rid yourself of all those zeros. Go find a tornado, stick a few million in it, and let mother nature do her thing. Subsequent disaster relief will just be frosting on the cake.

The Great American Craft Project

How many dollar bills would it take to make a paper chain long enough to go around the world? Who knows - but the thought of all those George’s holing hands is sure heartwarming.

The Green Ticket

Hand cops a wad of bills to be used specifically for the purpose of writing parking tickets on. Time is money, and paper is trees, and all of those things are in short demand these days - so go green on us. With all those dang quotas to fill you’ll zap billions in no time.

We’ll Call it Ballerpaper

Prioritize: Do you want to go down as the best president or the fresh president? Floor to ceiling wallpaper, all $100 bills. Money-est decoupage project ever - and kids would suddenly enjoy DC field trips to boot. Do it, ‘Bama!

Feed the Dog

Some things you should know before this puppy shows up in April: Things will go missing, things will get eaten, and things will get peed on. But there’s a platinum lining to this sometimes stressful state of affairs - you can blame puppies for everything. Missing a few bills? Well… yeah. You have a dog.

Or, you can breeze through those trillies the way you told America you would. Best of luck, Obama - don’t worry, no one’s watching or anything.

Tags: Budget, Obama

Stimulate Me: $838 Billion Bailout is Official

2/11/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

Not since Bob Dole stumped for Viagra has there been this much ado about the government’s need to bring about a rise in the good fortunes of the American Public.

In hopes of lifting the nation from it’s financial doldrums, the United States Senate has finally passed the long-awaited, long-debated stimulus plan to combat the nation’s worst financial crisis in decades. The $838 Billion bill garnered the favor of only three Republicans en route to a 61-37 margin of passage, as a spirit of partisanship continued to mar the institution of government despite President Obama’s efforts to make both the Dems and the G.O.P. play nice in this time of crisis. While the bill did pass, further negotiations took place late last evening to get the figure down around $790 Billion, forcing both sides to make compromises. Included in the concessions: a cutback on a $35.5 billion proposal to provide a $15,000 homebuyer tax credit that the Senate had approved the week before, and a several more nitpicky edits. For instance, the Republicans really wanted the Meat Lovers pizza to tide them over during the late night session, but the Dems outvoted them in favor of a more practical plain pizza with no extra cheesy bread, saving the US over $1.50 a head.

Tags: Bailout, Ecomony

Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues

2/03/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, Politics

Republican Senators have combined their efforts to produce their very own reformed version of the next stimulus package. Casually referred to on Capitol Hill as Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues, economy booster is expected to outperform its initial incarnation in the areas of effectiveness and national perception. The conservative edit contains narrower spending on various program and relies largely on tax cuts to increase consumer confidence and counteract the current slump. Big names on the cover include Sen. Mel Martinez, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Marlene Marzipan, and a senator from South Carolina known only as Mango.

House Republicans have decided to throw down their own ideas in the form of an edit of the edited version of the original proposal. Citing the abundance of pork in the edit of the edit, leading Republican representatives have edited down their own edit and sent it back to the republican senators for a revision. After deliberation and several more edits, a compromise was reached in the form of budget breakdown consisting of only two items; twenty dollar stimulus checks for all citizens and a provision to fund new catering for the senate house lounge. Senators drafting this final edit maintain that while most of the pork was removed, it is possible that some will still slip by in there, as is the nature of the game.

Tags: Economy, Stimulus

This Week’s Top 10 Hot Topics

1/30/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Gossip, Industry, OneRiot News, Politics, Sports, US

1. GOOGLE KILLS BAMBI

A Google Maps car sacked a baby deer while mapping Five Points Road in Rush, NY, and until very recently, you could watch the whole thing (you know, if you were into that). The footage has since been removed, but the pictures remain - and if you listen closely to them, you can hear the poor, dying thing whisper, “Don’t Be Eeevil!!!”

2. SWAT TEAM TAKES DOWN PS3 GAMERS

A Danish swat team busted in on two PS3 players after their neighbors (and the authorities) took the gory gaming sounds seriously. In other words, Copenhagen successfully created an Escher drawing… irl. Yeah Denmark!

3. STIMULATE U.S.

The House gave the go-ahead on an $819 billion dollar stimulus bill, causing more than one of us to raise our pinky to our lips and cackle. Make it rain, Obama, make it rain.

4. RICHARD… WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF?

The world’s best complaint letter gave us more chances to say, “that’s what she said” than the second episode of Tila Tequila (except it was even more fun, because you got to say it with an accent).

5. BOYS (1), GIRLS (1)
To the overdue joy of women everywhere, Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, taking the guesswork out of equal compensation (where ‘guesswork’ meant, ‘if your boss felt like it’). That’s right girls - you’re officially worth it.

6. TED HAGGARD BATS AGAIN
Religious outcast Ted Haggard was slowing creeping back after a nasty hard drugs and man-on-man situation, but new allegations of even more ‘ungodliness’ have created another dirty closet to clean up. Or -cough- come out of.

7. JESSICA SIMPSON MOMS OUT & BOOTYS UP
Jessica debuted some more soulful curves in some mommy pants recently, and the reactions to her fuller figure have been mixed. OneRiot users feel great about the extra cushion - but whoever put her in that outfit should be spanked with a belt. Maybe even all three of them.

8. IRANIAN WOMEN BANNED FROM WATCHING SOCCER

While Obama was locking down more equality in the US, Iran locked out its feminine population from a national pastime. Where God opens a door he closes a… wait, that’s not it.

9. BLOODY MONDAY: THE JOB SLAYINGS CONTINUE

Caterpillar, Home Depot, Boeing - it’s a bloodbath out there, and the perks of the stimulus plan won’t be felt for a long time yet. Hang in there, ‘Merica.

10. 25 YEARS OF APPLE

Though middle-schoolers tend to think otherwise, Apple did exist before the iPod. Now, one hammer, millions of iPhones, and plenty of blase middle years in between, the company is celebrating its 25th birthday. Free MacBooks for everyone!

Tags: Hot Topics, OneRiot

Iceland Melting

1/27/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

The island nation of Iceland, known for its weather, Bjork, and…umm…Bjork, is without a working government as of yesterday, a collapse of power triggered by the country’s financial crisis which has caused widespread unemployment, driven down the value of the krona, and caused the usually docile Icelandic public to protest in the streets.

Iceland began on this road to hell during recent years of economic expansion that required stacking up a large debt - which is now against the government to European nations and individual customers of banks that are subsidiaries of Iceland’s major financial houses. As a result of the banking industry’s demise, Iceland is ten billion dollars in the hole, tired, hungry, cold, and without shoes.

The Social Democratic Alliance Party, with which Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s coalition government was held, is calling for a replacement leader and has suggested Johanna Sigurdardottir. Prime Minister Haarde is instead pushing for Thorgerdur Katrin Gunnarsdottir. The Icelandic Farmer’s Union decided to throw down their two aurar as well by suggesting union head Imafarmer Letssitdownandtalk. As yet, no compromise has been reached between interested parties and protests among the disillusioned public continue. In the most awkward rallying chant ever heard, protestor Svginn Rumar Hauksson led a demonstration Monday by repeating, “We are happy that the government has gone, but now we need to clean up the financial supervisory authority and the central bank.”

Tags: Economy, Iceland

McDonalds Posts Fat Profits, We Post, uh, Fat

1/27/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

McDonalds may have but the kaibosh on the super-size promotion quite some time ago, but their profit margins continue to grow at an even higher rate than some of their more loyal customers waistlines. As it turns out, this whole global recession whosamawhatsit has turned all of those hungry for decent value into hungry value meal consumers.

The corporate fast-food fatty became obese with profit in 2008 earning a stout $4.3 billion, $2 billion more than the previous years moderately healthy intake. In spite of a steep net profit drop of 23% in the fourth quarter, most certainly caused by the hamburglar’s mischievous leanings, the company’s earnings per share finished 4 cents above the estimated amount in that time. The famed restaurant and drive-thru now boasts serving around 58 million people per day, but before you presume that all of that saturated fat is situated stoically within the borders of North America, it’s important to note that the brand’s global profits increased 6.9% worldwide. This includes an 8.5% gain in Europe and a 9% rise in the Asia/Pacific region. The moral of the story is, just because the world is getting poorer, doesn’t mean it has to get thinner.

Tags: Ecomony, McDonalds

Microsoft Drops the Axe… Softly

1/22/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, Industry

In the midst of a flailing economy one might think that some amount of safety could be found in the computer industry. After all, aside from your Grandpappy - who’s still trying to figure out how the magical spirits fly from the remote control to switch the channel - everyone needs a hard drive. Unfortunately, even your current use of an automatic device to read this story cannot save a few folks at the financially flagging tech stalwart Microsoft.

The software giant made famous by the big brain on Bill Gates has been forced to cut 5,000 jobs as a result of a 2nd quarter profit drop of 11%. The company is blaming the decline in dollars earned on a few factors, including the rise of low power “netbooks” which run on the less profitable Windows XP.

All 5,000 unlucky employees will not be given the immediate axe, but 1400 will be boxing up their things in the near future with the rest of the cuts coming over the next 18 months. The good news is that’s plenty of time to peruse craigslist for new employment and missed connections.

Tags: Economy, Microsoft

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Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

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