Hollywood moves fast. Real fast. And if you’ve had even a pinch of fame during your lifespan, chances are a motion picture production company will be in the works to produce your biopic before you’ve even been buried. So goes the tale of Billy Mays, the pitchman most recognized for his husky/on the verge of screaming/yet surprisingly controlled voice, his lumberjack resembling looks, and the way he could sell you OxiClean, even if you didn’t have any carpeted floors to be stained.
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In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.

Being the astute followers of pop culture that we are - and being hip to the fact that celebrities die in threes and not 4’s,5’s, 6’s, or 7’s - we quickly saw these stories for what they were. Nonetheless, these pranksters will stop at nothing until they finally persuade us that another one of our beloved elite entertainers is now standing in that spotlight in the sky. Their latest attempt comes at the expense of an obviously immortal singer, one who continuously asserts that he is “NEVER gonna give you up” or “let you down.” We’re talking about 80’s Brit-soul superstar, Rick Astley.

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Forget about purebred pups with pedigrees–This weekend’s top dogshow was all about honoring those canines with mugs that only an owner can love. With gnarly coats, stumpy tails, missing eyes, and scraggly teeth, dogs came from all over the globe to win the coveted title of the World’s Ugliest Dog.

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11-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags. It seemed all was well that ended well though, as the aptly-named Ms. Fox had seen a photo of the boy pathetically longing in the not-so-distance and issued an apology, noting that ignoring such a doting fan was very unlike her.

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Less than an hour ago, reports started rushing in that Michael Jackson had suffered cardiac arrest. Only a couple minutes later, followup reports were suggesting he had died on his way to the hospital. It appears that the preeminent King of Pop’s era is over.

Michael Jackson had 14 number one hits in his career, which began before the singer was 10 years old. He is survived by three children. Clearly his later years found him a confused and unstable individual; but the loss of one of music’s most respected and influential performers is a sad one regardless. Hopefully, the legacy he leaves will be deeper rooted in his many contributions to popular culture, and not his personal life.

Breaking news: Shia Labeouf does NOT want to sleep with his mother. He’d just like to clarify that, America. In fact, the incest rumors are the most “ridiculous thing,” he has ever heard! All the he did was tell Playboy in May that, “Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.” Yep, that’s all he said. His comments were totally misinterpreted. It’s not like he said he wanted to sleep wi…well, maybe…dammit.

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Housewives all over the country let out a universal sob at the television screen as their worst fear became a reality. Yes, Jon and Kate Gosselin would be ending their ten year harmonious marriage with a divorce. Even though their every movement had been tracked by the paparazzi and documented on TLC’s “Jon and Kate Plus 8,” no one ever expected their relationship to come to a screeching halt. They always seemed so blissfully happy, as Kate lovingly and kindly would give Jon barking orders, and her husband generously would offer 23 year old college students late night “tutoring lessons” to help with studies. Yes, they really were the ideal couple.

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Director Tim Burton has an innate talent in “creepifying” children’s bedtime stories. He’s also got a knack for showcasing his two favorite obsessions/actors, Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter, along with their equally creepy dramatic skills. His newest project - a new spin on Lewis Carrolls’ Alice in Wonderland, set to release March 5, 2010 - is no exception.

Even though the release date is still almost a year away, the anticipation for the film peaked today as more shots from the movie were leaked online.

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It was a dark and stormy night in Toronto and in the life of rumor monger and new media mogul Perez Hilton. The gossip queen, whose tremendous wit reaches its height when drawing penises on the faces of photos of celebrities, was met with a cruel form of un-ironic comeuppance when someone struck him with something other than a scribbled phallus. The whole thing allegedly “got started (retarded)” when Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am told the saboteur of Miss California’s pageant dreams to not write about his band on his infamous site. This request was apparently followed by a bit of an alleged drubbing at the hand (or fists) of the band’s manager Polo Molina.

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