The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine. But is he man enough for this title?
The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the masses of sweaty, bearded, farting boars that are the males of this planet, one of us bastards must be the sexiest. People magazine, which has dedicated the working hours of all its employees to the study of only the most special people, has decided that Johnny Depp has got the more sex in him than any man. I, for one, am speaking for all those men who find this decision to be outrageous. Depp is not a real man, and therefore should only be regarded as sexiest among his foofy Hollywood peers. Survivorman Les Stroud is a real man. My housemate Greg, who just got his internet to work and did a victory dance, he’s a man. I, sitting here in dire need of a shower, am a man. You want to know why Depp received this honor? You want to hear it from a man?
First of all, Johnny Depp lives on a private Bahaman island. On this island, he is served by a staff whose only calling in life is to please one Johnny Depp. He hasn’t cleaned leaves out of a gutter, changed a tire, used a sock in lieu of toilet paper, or performed any of the tasks that make a man a man. He’s soft. I, on the other hand, cut my fingers every time I open my car door. My boy Joe doesn’t have a car. Instead he walks all over Philly and therefore has to carry a knife. Joe’s a man. If either of us had these ordeals lifted from our lives and suddenly entered a pampered reality, we wouldn’t be men. We would be Johnny Depp. (more…)
Bill Oefelein: The man at the center of this triangle…or I suppose he’s one of the angles…is a real piece of work. While married, he had an affair with Nowak, only to later leave both his wife and Nowak for Colleen Shipman, prompting Nowak’s infamous diaper ride. Wow! Just ’cause he’s an astronaut, doesn’t mean he’s not a complete bastard, right? There’s only one man who could play such a rotten guy while still allowing the audience to see what these ladies see in him: Bill Paxton. You might think that his roles in Apollo 13 and Big Love led us to this decision. Wrong. It was his role as Coconut Pete in 2004’s Club Dread. Don’t bother trying to figure that one out, it’s way over your head. 
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