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Open the Floods of KanyeGate

9/15/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip, Life & Culture

In the ultimate act of jumping the shark since Fonzie actually jumped the shark, Kanye West all but buried his career in a pile of agonizing egotism after A) publicly humiliating sweet little Taylor Swift at the VMAs, B) issuing a half-hearted apology on his all-caps blog, and C) issuing a second apology in which he acted much like a whiny 14-year-old on Jay Leno. And while this may mark the slow and painful career demise for one of hip-hop’s most important producers, with death comes birth—in this case, the birth of 2009’s most perfect meme.

It started with Swayze. His unfortunate and untimely succumbing to cancer opened the floodgates for Twitter-based memes:

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Next, reports of President Obama’s own disdain for the self-important pop starlet (he called him a jackass on tape) led to the next wave of image-based memes: (more…)

Katy Mixon Uncovers the Philosopher in All of Us

9/09/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Gossip

Ed Note: OneRiot bloggers are directed to pull their subject matter from the day’s trending topics. Sometimes, these trends too accurately reflect the state of humanity - they suck - which means OneRiot bloggers get to do what bloggers do best: whine contemplate humanity. Here we go again….

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As his fingers typed “I’ll take Katy Mixon, who is trending for some reason” into the group email thread, Abdullah genuinely pondered the answer to the needless question. Why is the trashy/hot chick from Eastbound and Down suddenly trending? A little clickeroo on the trending topics bar later, the evidence lay before him, but again he found himself unsatisfied with the depth of explanation. Ok, so she’s got a minimal part in All About Steve, but how did that make her a trend? A trend: the position held by things like the iPhone, Michael Jackson, and, on days when people care, the war in Afghanistan. His expression fixed blank, he let the elusive solution slip away. Things trend because people make them, and people are a little funny sometimes. (more…)

Jay-Z Comes Back with What He Came with

9/04/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Gossip, Music

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Remember when Abraham Lincoln said “Don’t call it a comeback?”

The great thing about retirement is that it has been redefined to mean “no longer working until realizing that a comeback is very, very profitable.” These days, the quality of your music doesn’t even matter anymore, only that you said you were going to stop and you didn’t - people love that. If you lie to them, they will come. And Jay-Z knows it. (more…)

Jeter & Kelly Might Nail One Over the Fence

9/01/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

picture-735 Blogs like ours are all about upholding a standard of authenticity and fact-checking; but sometimes we like to throw a curveball story containing unaccredited claims that may or may not be anywhere near the truth. That’s why we’ve chosen to cover this story about New York Yankees legend Derek Jeter marrying actress and Aerosmith offspring Minka Kelly. Professional gossipers have begun to field rumors that the pair, who have been dating for about a year, are planning to step up to the plate and get hitched sometime just after the Yankees lose in the first round of the playoffs. (more…)

19 is Half a George Orwell Novel

9/01/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip, US

picture-433 If there’s one thing we’ve learned from Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life it’s that every sperm is sacred - even great - and if any of those guys get wasted, God gets quite irate. But at what point do little bundles of joy you create stop being bundles of joy and start just being time consuming things you start referring to as “hey kid?” (more…)

Brown “Still Loves” Rihanna, Still Can’t Remember Being a Jerk Face

8/31/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip
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A new interview of Chris Brown will air on Larry King Live later this week, and it really brings to light some of the things people have wanted to know about the musician. Like, for example, how he doesn’t remember the time he beat up his girlfriend Rihanna to within inches of death. Or how—probably because he doesn’t remember beating her—he still loves her. We don’t support Chris Brown because we saw Rihanna’s mangled face, but we do think it’s important to give everyone, even bad guys, a second chance. (more…)

Deep Questions for a Fashionable Friday

8/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Gossip

picture-347 Ah, print media. Your death is slow and current. You used to provide us with meaningful news without the human interest or the celebrity gossip that sells. But clearly, you overestimated the attention span of the American public. Now that sound bites and status updates are replacing news, perhaps you are looking back on the rags and mags of your age that have been pandering to the people since the days before information technology. Who Wore it Better? You should have been all over it when you had the chance. (more…)

MJ Joins Elvis, Cobain in Top Secret Undead Musical Supergroup

8/27/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip
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Last year’s “Chinese Democracy” album from Guns ‘n’ Roses may have been one of the most anticipated albums in decades, but it pales in comparison to the bubbling excitement over the upcoming release by multi-genre supergroup The Pearly Gates. The band has been working hard since 1977 when lead singer Elvis Presley faked his own death in anticipation of all of the other musical talents he could recruit to fake their own death and record what has been long-billed as the “most important album of all-time.” While Presley has been laying down initial tracks with the help of Kurt Cobain, Liberace, and Tupac, the final piece of the production puzzle was completed back in July when the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, faked his own death (years after being courted by Elvis through his daughter and MJ’s future wife, Lisa Marie). (more…)

Reality TV Star Turned Murderer Still at Large

8/21/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

picture-393In the great scheme of things, getting on a reality show won’t likely lead to lasting fame or notoriety. However, murdering your ex-Playmate stripper wife and escaping to Canada on foot AFTER getting on a reality show might be more effective. We know this thanks to Ryan Alexander Jenkins, the millionaire contestant on VH1’s Megan Wants A Millionaire who is now a prime suspect in the murder of his ex-Playmate stripper wife Jasmine Fiore.

Jenkins was last seen in a remote northern area of Washington, where he abandoned his BMW SUV (sweet repo auction ahead!) and a small boat and probably went to Canada on foot. Authorities from both sides of the border have been unsuccessful in locating this shining example of American pop culture, but the manhunt is ongoing.

Anonymous Blogging Takes A Blow To the Gut

8/19/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip, Industry, US

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First it’s the Patriot Act, now this? Apparently there’s nowhere left in this world for anonymous dissenters to share defaming comments about people they don’t know. A court ruling has demanded that Google release the secret identity of a certain blogger using its platform after content on the person’s blog, Skanks in NYC, was deemed unlawful in its regards to the personal and professional reputation of Canadian model Liskula Cohen. (more…)

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Gossip

  • The Heirs To Uga VII’s Throne

    11/20/09

    The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen.  Who will it be?
    The Search: Uga VII
    Some of us are born into greatness and some have it unexpectedly thrust upon us and never learn to deal with it, leading us to end up in rehab.  You can count the [...]

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  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
    I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

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  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
    With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

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  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
    The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
    Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

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  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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