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Cavallari Goes Back to her Roots, Messes up LC’s Life Again

5/18/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

Kristin Cavallari knows a thing or two about staying relevant without a lot of reason to do so. After many miniscule acting roles and many more failed spotlight romances, her time has finally come (again): the 22-year-old actress weaseled her way into the unholy, apocalyptic union wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt a couple weeks back and, after catching the bouquet, somehow netted herself a six-episode stint on season six of MTV’s The Hills.


Cavallari is best known for her controversially bitchy role on Laguna Beach, the show that jump-started MTV’s revolting ‘real’ drama lineup. Unfortunately, the actress is truly that, and knows full well of her responsibilities on the upcoming program: “It’s work! And drama sells. I think that’s why they’re bringing me in, because I know what works.” Please hold your collective UGHHHHHs until after the show.

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Twitter Quits Hating on @Replies, Kanye Takes Over

5/13/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy, Gossip, Life & Culture, Politics, Science

Kanye West did the entire world a favor today by announcing that he does not, did not, and will not ever have a Twitter account. The popular producer, fashionista and vocoder spokesman blogged about his distaste for the medium, suggesting that using it would only keep him from being the voice of a generation we have all come to ‘love’ and ‘respect.’

West also ragged on Twitter founder Jack Dorsey for allowing fake celebrity accounts to continue slandering their real celebrity counterparts: “IT’S A F*CKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE.” (Note following picture of #1 Kanye fake. Seriously, Jack - how do you know?!)

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Inner Monologue // Trump vs. Trump

5/13/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

You’re…not fired? Donald Trump showed his true stripes yesterday when he announced that Miss California 2009 Carrie Prejean could keep her CZ-encrusted crown, even after a bevy of inappropriate photos of the model made it onto the internet last week (and again Tuesday). This announcement comes after a heated deliberation in Trump’s own mind that we have to imagine went a lot like this:

Trump: Should I fire her? She did say that being homosexual is biblically wrong.
Donald: No way! She’s so hot.
Trump: But it puts yet another black mark on pageantry when a contestant engages in semi-pornographic photo shoots.
Donald: I’ll show you a semi! Heyo!
Trump: I know that I’m morally obligated to make an example of this young woman.
Donald: Dude, three words. Young. Hot. Naked. Uh, sideboob.
Trump: …I guess we could let this one slide. Just this once.
Donald: Up high big guy! So what now, Hooters?

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Nothing Trashy ‘Bout a Fifth Wedding

5/11/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Gossip

No, Heidi and Seal have not lost their money in a Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme or decided to live an alternative lifestyle. The couple said “I do,” again this weekend for the fifth time in four years of marriage with an elegant and classy ”retro” hillbilly ceremony. They also added in a dash of paranoia, normally holding their anniversary at the Mexican resort where they originally tied the knot, but decided “against it this year due to the outbreak of Swine flu,” according to Arizona Central.

After more than just a world record for most wedding vow renewals, the couple are clearly seeking the coveted nonexistent award for most annoying theme. And hey, we won’t argue that they didn’t peg it with their costumes.  Seal donned a mullet wig and studded American flag jacket, while the pregnant Heidi managed to look good in corn rows and a lace and sequin top. Plastic sting lights and plastic pink flamingos, the heralded mascots of all trailer parks, set the scene, as an Elvis impersonator officiated. 
Those who live in certain parts of Texas are thrilled to now be able to say they are modeling their own ceremonies after a celebrity couple, but let’s hope this doesn’t become too big of a trend. 

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Tweet Seems Like a Good Baby Name

5/01/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

Republican tech hounds and aerial hunting enthusiasts rejoice, everyone’s favorite Hockey Mom and GILF is heating up tweet streams. That’s right, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is on Twitter and she’s more active than Mount Redoubt. If you’re looking to get all of the latest official state government news, or just want to read about Todd’s latest snow machine race results, following the comely conservative @AKGovSarahPalin is the way to go.

In addition to being a must add for all Alaskans, expectant mothers are encouraged to join up for the former VP’s weekly baby naming recommendation twit bonanza. It’s sure to be a hollerin’ good time. Eat your heart out Ashton and Demi, there’s a new Governor in Tweet Town.

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With Regretable Irony, a Drama Director Drops Dead

5/01/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

In what many are calling the most ironic curtain call in recent history, NBC vice president of drama Nora O’Brien literally (not theatrically) dropped dead on set yesterday. In a gravely serious press conference, NBC execs announced that O’Brien would be severely missed. At the time of her death, O’Brien was working on the set of ‘Parenthood,’ a lively new drama based on a 1989 film of the same name. She’d been making a killing at the network for six years.

We swear on our lives that everyone at OneRiot sends their condolences to Nora O’Brien’s family and friends. But to NBC: please don’t cancel Must See TV this week; without a new episode of The Office we would just die.

(I am so sorry for writing this.)

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Mel Gibson Breaks Out an Oksana

4/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

It’s been several weeks since his divorce was finalized, so Mel Gibson decided it was about time to break out the brand new beau. The 53-year old Hollywood heart throb was accompanied by 38-year-old Russian composer/actor Oksana Grigorieva to the premiere of the new “Wolverine” flick. The duo have reportedly been dating for three years as Mel and his wife of 28 years were more or less seen as “on the rocks” since his 2006 DUI arrest.

Grigorieva was previously in a relationship with ex-James Bond actor, Timothy Dalton, with whom she has a son. We’re not sure what attracted the Soviet beauty to the controversial star, perhaps they shared similar views regarding the Jews and their role in starting all wars, or maybe it’s that she has a fondness for responding to pet names like “Sugartits.”

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Craigslist Killer’s Fiance Has Sweet Dumbness About Her

4/28/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip, US

We’re not sure if Megan McAllister is a big Tammy Wynette fan, but by the way she’s been sticking by her fiancé, accused Craigslist killer Phillip Markoff, it’s very likely she’s been listening to the late country star’s rendition of “Stand By Your Man” on a loop since the news broke of her groom-to-be’s allegedly murderous ways.

Despite police finding pretty damning evidence of the suspect’s involvement with the victims, Ms. McAllister and her family still see her significant other as a loving and caring person - even though casual encounters section of craigslist and the foreign panty objects in his apartment certainly beg to differ. Perhaps after she listens to Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” she’ll feel differently. Nonetheless, Megan remains committed, at least until her man is committed.

Meanwhile, the Bruce Springsteen cover band slated to play at the couple’s wedding has confirmed the cancellation of their August Jersey Shore nuptials, totally bailing out the lead singer from having to make awkward wedding day banter regarding how they connected with the groom.

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Spiedi Hold a Press Wedding

4/27/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

It’s offish: reality TV whores and likely spawns of Satan, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are hitched. Again.

A dark and ominous cloud descended over Southern California around 2pm on Saturday as 300 guests watched the pair re-tie the knot at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena. People Magazine shared further details about the ceremony; but really, if you have to hear them, just go away. One standout detail: Heidi wore white to signify, um, her purity. Hm.

We don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but let’s just say there’s a growing pool going around the OneRiot offices. Bets are based on the time it takes Speidi to either a) get divorced (once privately, once in front of photographers); or B) be smote by God in a publicly broadcast, freak lightning storm. I’m going all in on B. Come on, God!

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Tying the Knot For the Nookie

4/23/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

In a shocking declaration of media relevance, People.com is reporting that Fred Durst is engaged to be married. The publication is trumpeting the news that the backwards hat wearing Limp Bizkit frontman will be breaking something alright. Once he ties the knot with his fiancee Esther Nazarov, he’ll be breaking the hearts of all of those lusty ladies who one day hoped to bed the immature adolescent anthem author.

The couple’s nuptials are tentatively slated for July and prospective guests are encouraged to get something to eat prior to arriving at the reception, as the entire edible contents of cocktail hour will most likely consist of chocolate starfish and hot dog flavored water.

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