Though major religions describe the human body as an empty vessel void of the entity that made it a person, many with the means called bullshit on that theory by having their remains cryogenically frozen so that future, smarter generations could reanimate them without any groggy, zombie side effects. Many people, including late baseball legend Ted Williams, entrusted the treatment of their corpses to Alcor, a company that can be identified as a scam upon examination of its business model. Alcor responded to this trust by getting the Splendid Splinter’s head stuck in a tuna can. (more…)
Archive for the ‘Health’ Category
Cryogenics Coldly Abusive, Says Former COO
10/02/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health, ScienceThe Flu and You // Part 2
10/01/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health
Swine flu hasn't left anyone's mind, and it shows. 'H1N1‘ has been a trending topic for months, and it’s a good thing. Everyone is staying alert and not sleeping on something that’s got it out for the human race. And this isn’t like Y2K. This might happen. Before you know it, the epidemic will occur, families will be torn apart, and Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo will be racing against the clock to find an antidote.
So what’s the update? Well, there’s a vaccine soon to be widely available. But there’s all kinds of skepticism about a vaccine that hasn’t been extensively tested. In trying to protect yourself, you might just contract the virus. (more…)
Break On Through the HIV Side
9/25/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health
Safe sex, not using needles, and being Magic Johnson are three ways to keep the virus that causes AIDS in check, though awareness of those factors has yet to alleviate the epidemic. We’ve long held out hope that science could come to the rescue and eliminate our fears of the deadly retrovirus, and at last it is hinting at a willingness to extend a cooperative helping hand. (more…)
The Swines Hath Wings II
8/25/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, Science
OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid - or at least be cautious.
When life’s best case scenario is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario, which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid to late 1990’s.
Today, however - after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak - the White House stoked doomsday fires as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC. The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology has announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could foreseeably end up in the hospital or even dead by years end…probably neither…but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.
Facebook Lite To Help WIth Your Digital Diet
8/12/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, Industry
We weren’t aware that Facebook was helping us pack on the pounds. Sure, downing that whole box of 60 munchkins while we came up with that awesome “how well do you know oneriot?” quiz might have been responsible for a little weight gain, but it’s nothing we couldn’t have worked off with some intense physical activity a la heated set of Super Poke aerobics. That said, the makers of Facebook know that in this age of frivolous lawsuits it’s better to cut some fat by offering another, low-carb version of an addictive service than face a lawsuit claiming Facebook is responsible for carpal tunnel and digital diabetes. So, in the effort to make their site more heart healthy, Facebook is now beta testing Facebook Lite. (more…)
Organic Food Not So Special, Says Study
7/30/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, Science
A crushing blow was dealt to the neo-hippie movement recently after a study by the British Food Standards Agency, examining food data over the last 50 years, concluded that the health value of organic food was neither greater nor significantly different from that of that which is considered non-organic. The announcement didn’t prompt the immediate shutdown of specialized grocery stores with monikers touting their earthiness, but nonetheless there are some immediate positive effects as a result of the report which has since been published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
The study severely hinders your favorite restaurant’s ability to overcharge you for “organic Cobb Salad,” and you’ll no longer have to deal with that uppity hippie friend whose moral and ethical superiority is inexplicably linked to the fact that they “only eat organic.” Thank you British Food Standards Agency, we owe you one.
Ed Note: As an uppity hippy myself, I’m compelled to point out that even if the positive effects of organic food on the human body are negligible, the positive effects on the earth (and global warming) are not.
Blue M&Ms Give Spinal Injuries the Karate Chop
7/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health
If you’re paralyzed and don’t mind looking like a Smurf, this is excellent news.
In 1995, America’s favorite candy became the sweet, sweet fruit of liberty when a nation-spanning, democratic vote decided the newest addition to the rainbow of crispy shells around the soft chocolate center that is our collective heart: the Blue M&M.
Its benefits assumed to be no greater than it’s differently colored counterparts, ol’ Blue fell right into line with the rest of the pack and was munched indiscriminately by all. No one could have guessed the miraculous medical advance that lay within this little blue magic pill. (more…)
Romaine Recall Leaves Weekend Salad-less
7/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health
American dependence on the meal staple that is salad took a serious hit today when California-based produce company Tanimura & Antle announced a recall of Romaine lettuce. The Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, while conducting a random contamination test (which also allows for other possibly affected random brands to go untested), selected said brand only to find that infamous form of bacteria known as Salmonella had reared it’s ugly head. (more…)
Punch Yourself, Not Digits: Here Comes Cell Phone Elbow
6/02/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health
As our lives have grown more dependent on cell phones, many have speculated as to what horrible long term consequences from using such a device would emerge. Government surveillance? Traffic Accidents? Brain tumors? We could not have even imagined a situation so dire. It began when 66-year-old Donna Malloy was carrying a cup of coffee and some grain biscuits to her living room, then felt a tingle…in her elbow.
Teens and Texting: This Crack is for Reals
5/27/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under HealthPregnancy? STDs? Huffing? Crack cocaine? The newest danger to teen health is far more sinister than the traditional, time-honored methods of risky self-harm. It’s called texting, and it’s destroying the future of our world.
Major cell phone companies, when not busy rigging America’s favorite television program, pulled together information and found that 2,272 text messages was the average number sent by teens per month. That’s an OMGZ! Totally nsane, nothin to LOL about, 80 txts per day!
According to some researchers these text-a-holic children are suffering health effects from the abundance of thumb movement, including injured fingers and hands, sleep deprivation and poor performance in school. It is also screwing with their tender, still-forming identities, because it does not give them enough time alone to think over things like which Jonas Brother’s purity they would like to take and who to bully at school. Most importantly, it does not leave them enough time to have unprotected sex, huff aerosol cans in the basement until they pass out, or do heroin.
Buddy Up