As our lives have grown more dependent on cell phones, many have speculated as to what horrible long term consequences from using such a device would emerge. Government surveillance? Traffic Accidents? Brain tumors? We could not have even imagined a situation so dire. It began when 66-year-old Donna Malloy was carrying a cup of coffee and some grain biscuits to her living room, then felt a tingle…in her elbow.
Pregnancy? STDs? Huffing? Crack cocaine? The newest danger to teen health is far more sinister than the traditional, time-honored methods of risky self-harm. It’s called texting, and it’s destroying the future of our world.
Major cell phone companies, when not busy rigging America’s favorite television program, pulled together information and found that 2,272 text messages was the average number sent by teens per month. That’s an OMGZ! Totally nsane, nothin to LOL about, 80 txts per day!
According to some researchers these text-a-holic children are suffering health effects from the abundance of thumb movement, including injured fingers and hands, sleep deprivation and poor performance in school. It is also screwing with their tender, still-forming identities, because it does not give them enough time alone to think over things like which Jonas Brother’s purity they would like to take and who to bully at school. Most importantly, it does not leave them enough time to have unprotected sex, huff aerosol cans in the basement until they pass out, or do heroin.
Marks & Spencer, a British retailer akin to Macy’s, has been charging more for larger bras in a clear display of prejudice against big breasts. The bigotry of the country towards large-meloned lasses is a well documented and embarrassing historical footnote, along the lines of its former irrational hatred towards other things men love such as booze, sports, easy women (of any size boob), and being given money for free. In more recent years however, many have stood up and supported D-cups, fighting for their right to get married and adopt children.
Facebook group Busts 4 Justice is just one such Huge Tits Rights support groups, and has been working on an arduous, full-nipped campaign to get the department store to lower its prices on tent-sized lingerie for a year. Finally, today, they have clinched a victory in the fight for pricing equality for all! Marks & Spencer has agreed to eliminate a surcharge on it’s DD and up sizes and even took out a full page ad, solemnly and poignantly apologizing for the oppressive hardship they’ve caused with the proclamation, “We Boobed!”
And while this is a bouncing, joyous occasion, it is just one battle in the war Busts 4 Justice must continue to fight. They have released the following statement: “Busts 4 Justice remain committed to making things better for busty women on the high street, but for now we’re happy just to be able to encourage all ladies to reward themselves and their boobs with some properly fitted, fairly priced lingerie.” Justice!
Hi, it’s Piglet. I’m a friend of OneRiot’s (we met in a support group for pink things), and I asked them if I could write a blog post this week. They said yes, which was very nice, so I’m going to talk to you about Swine Flu. I just think it would be smart to clear up some stuff about pigs.
A long time ago, when Winnie and I were on all nine TV channels, there was another flu scare like this one. They made a public service announcement about it, which is kind of funny to watch now that those hairstyles are so outdated. You’d like it. The PSA was a nice thing to show people, because it helped them remember to not kiss people when they’re sick. But what it didn’t say was that the sickness was never pigs’ fault. It was the fault of one of my biggest (and littlest) fans.
I guess it doesn’t really matter whose fault it is – what really matters is that the people who are getting sick have someone nearby to feed them soup and popsicles. But even when there are fevers at stake, people (and pigs) should be treated fairly. After all, we’re getting sick too. The good news is that some people have started referring to this sickness as something other than Swine or Pig Flu, which is very nice of them, considering. It’s sad that the new name, H1N1, is such a mouthful, because not that many people are using it - about as many as have actually gotten sick (363 and counting!).
Even thought the actual number of people getting sick is very small, I still worry about catching H1N1 (you know me, always worrying). So a few times a day I check out these lists of symptoms to make sure I’m not coming down with anything. Then, if I’m still feeling worried, I go here. Teehee.
Anyway, I hope that if you are sick, you get better, and if you’re not sick that you stay that way. I also hope that we quit naming sicknesses after animals, and name them after Heffalumps instead. See, that sounds terrifying - like it should.
Love,
Piglet
PS: Wash your hands.
In a response to the confusion regarding the actual danger posed by the world’s pig population (and in an effort to protect the animals from nations who would off their entire pork-ulation (Hello, Egypt!)), the thoughtful pandemic combatants at the WHO have decided to put the kaibosh on the “Swine Flu.” Rather than stick to the catchy boarish reference that’s been rolling off the tongues of fear mongers and hypochondriacs alike, the global health watchdog has begun referring to the rather virulent matter by it’s technical name: H1N1 influenza A.
News organizations knee deep in pig graphics and sound effects are expected to fully embrace the new term on the same day that pigs fly. Though we guess you could say their germs have already begun to do so.
Teens, prepare to get naked and do it bareback: FDA officials announced Tuesday that you too will be able to buy the baby-blocker pill without a prescription very soon. The new federal ruling will overturn a Bush Administration policy stating only women age 18 and older could pick up an over-the-counter Plan B pill—which destroys any chance of conception within about 72 hours of intercourse—bringing the narcotic to girls as early as their 17th birthday.
The new Plan B rule is not yet in effect, but will be very soon. So, if you’re in a pop-punk band or have an affinity for parking your Camaro outside local high schools, someday next month will be a pretty awesome day - assuming you can get laid.
For those of you ladies trolling the bars at last call looking for someone to hook up with, the drunkest guy (i.e. the one half passed put, falling over, picking fights, or vomiting) is not your best chance for success.
Science just thought you should know. Researchers, who have presumably given up curing cancer or studying “important,” things, asked a group of 240 wasted ladies and gentleman to look at photos of women and comment on their age and attractiveness. While women struggled with the age question, men stayed on top of their game and weren’t thrown off by such sneaky tactics as make-up. They also tended to find women less attractive.
While this is bad news for hard-up women who can’t get laid, it’s even worse news for men. Beauty is NOT in the eye of the beerholder. You now have no excuse for the women you bring home aside from poor taste, no standards, and total ambivalence in the case of minors and cougars. As medically stated by Dr Vincent Egan, from the University of Leicester, there is no such thing as “beer goggles.”
Get ready to drop that bacon cheeseburger in excitement, big boned individuals, fans of Richard Simmons, and run-of-the-mill fatties. Are you ready for some mouth-watering news? Some fat may actually help you burn fat!
The cannibalistic material, called “brown fat,” conducts an internal race war with bad “white,” fat to keep you warm. It was originally thought to be found only in rats and human infants, but new studies show that some stays in the body as you age.
While it is unclear if brown fat is more a cause of leanness or a result of it, a pill is being researched to capitalize on this new, potential weight loss discovery. There is also surely a Skinny Rat, Human Infant Bitch: The Brown Fat Diet book on the way, but until then, there is something you can do. Brown fat was found to be stimulated when the subjects of one study sat in a 16-degree-C (61-degree-F) room for two hours in an ice bath, so join the Polar Bear Club, move to Alaska, or have your kidney stolen.
Economic strife has many negative effects, and judging by the amount of unemployed people who are most likely drinking their troubles away, it comes as a slight surprise that highway deaths have plummeted to their lowest level since 1961. Experts are pinning the decrease in catastrophic collisions to a few vital factors, including high gas prices as well as stricter enforcement of drunk driving legislation, increased seat belt use, and the work of advocacy groups championing safer driving practices.
While we certainly buy that explanation, we think the improvement in tire technology has played a large part in decreasing fatalities by ensuring that frightened women drivers are less obvious hazards to responsible male drivers who have yet to arrive home from business trips.
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