Health | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Teens and Texting: This Crack is for Reals

5/27/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Health

Pregnancy? STDs? Huffing? Crack cocaine? The newest danger to teen health is far more sinister than the traditional, time-honored methods of risky self-harm. It’s called texting, and it’s destroying the future of our world.

Major cell phone companies, when not busy rigging America’s favorite television program, pulled together information and found that 2,272 text messages was the average number sent by teens per month. That’s an OMGZ! Totally nsane, nothin to LOL about, 80 txts per day!

According to some researchers these text-a-holic children are suffering health effects from the abundance of thumb movement, including injured fingers and hands, sleep deprivation and poor performance in school. It is also screwing with their tender, still-forming identities, because it does not give them enough time alone to think over things like which Jonas Brother’s purity they would like to take and who to bully at school. Most importantly, it does not leave them enough time to have unprotected sex, huff aerosol cans in the basement until they pass out, or do heroin.

Tags: Health, SMS, Teens

Busts 4 Justice Fight for a Fair Priced Rack

5/08/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Health, International Affairs

Marks & Spencer, a British retailer akin to Macy’s, has been charging more for larger bras in a clear display of prejudice against big breasts. The bigotry of the country towards large-meloned lasses is a well documented and embarrassing historical footnote, along the lines of its former irrational hatred towards other things men love such as booze, sports, easy women (of any size boob), and being given money for free. In more recent years however, many have stood up and supported D-cups, fighting for their right to get married and adopt children.

Facebook group Busts 4 Justice is just one such Huge Tits Rights support groups, and has been working on an arduous, full-nipped campaign to get the department store to lower its prices on tent-sized lingerie for a year. Finally, today, they have clinched a victory in the fight for pricing equality for all! Marks & Spencer has agreed to eliminate a surcharge on it’s DD and up sizes and even took out a full page ad, solemnly and poignantly apologizing for the oppressive hardship they’ve caused with the proclamation, “We Boobed!”

And while this is a bouncing, joyous occasion, it is just one battle in the war Busts 4 Justice must continue to fight. They have released the following statement: “Busts 4 Justice remain committed to making things better for busty women on the high street, but for now we’re happy just to be able to encourage all ladies to reward themselves and their boobs with some properly fitted, fairly priced lingerie.” Justice!

Tags: Economy, Shopping, Women's Rights

WHO H8 on #swineflu, US H8 on H1N1

4/30/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health

In a response to the confusion regarding the actual danger posed by the world’s pig population (and in an effort to protect the animals from nations who would off their entire pork-ulation (Hello, Egypt!)), the thoughtful pandemic combatants at the WHO have decided to put the kaibosh on the “Swine Flu.” Rather than stick to the catchy boarish reference that’s been rolling off the tongues of fear mongers and hypochondriacs alike, the global health watchdog has begun referring to the rather virulent matter by it’s technical name: H1N1 influenza A.

News organizations knee deep in pig graphics and sound effects are expected to fully embrace the new term on the same day that pigs fly. Though we guess you could say their germs have already begun to do so.

Tags: H1N1, Swine Flu

Pushin’ for the Baby Blocker

4/22/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Health, US

Teens, prepare to get naked and do it bareback: FDA officials announced Tuesday that you too will be able to buy the baby-blocker pill without a prescription very soon. The new federal ruling will overturn a Bush Administration policy stating only women age 18 and older could pick up an over-the-counter Plan B pill—which destroys any chance of conception within about 72 hours of intercourse—bringing the narcotic to girls as early as their 17th birthday.

The new Plan B rule is not yet in effect, but will be very soon. So, if you’re in a pop-punk band or have an affinity for parking your Camaro outside local high schools, someday next month will be a pretty awesome day - assuming you can get laid.

Tags: Birth Control, Teens

Scientists Regretably Retract Our Excuse for Kissing Ugly People

4/21/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Health

For those of you ladies trolling the bars at last call looking for someone to hook up with, the drunkest guy (i.e. the one half passed put, falling over, picking fights, or vomiting) is not your best chance for success.

Science just thought you should know. Researchers, who have presumably given up curing cancer or studying “important,” things, asked a group of 240 wasted ladies and gentleman to look at photos of women and comment on their age and attractiveness. While women struggled with the age question, men stayed on top of their game and weren’t thrown off by such sneaky tactics as make-up. They also tended to find women less attractive.

While this is bad news for hard-up women who can’t get laid, it’s even worse news for men. Beauty is NOT in the eye of the beerholder. You now have no excuse for the women you bring home aside from poor taste, no standards, and total ambivalence in the case of minors and cougars. As medically stated by Dr Vincent Egan, from the University of Leicester, there is no such thing as “beer goggles.”

Tags: Beer Goggles, Science

Hold on to Your Chunks: Brown Fat Burns Your Bacon

4/09/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Gossip, Health

Get ready to drop that bacon cheeseburger in excitement, big boned individuals, fans of Richard Simmons, and run-of-the-mill fatties. Are you ready for some mouth-watering news? Some fat may actually help you burn fat!

The cannibalistic material, called “brown fat,” conducts an internal race war with bad “white,” fat to keep you warm. It was originally thought to be found only in rats and human infants, but new studies show that some stays in the body as you age.

While it is unclear if brown fat is more a cause of leanness or a result of it, a pill is being researched to capitalize on this new, potential weight loss discovery. There is also surely a Skinny Rat, Human Infant Bitch: The Brown Fat Diet book on the way, but until then, there is something you can do. Brown fat was found to be stimulated when the subjects of one study sat in a 16-degree-C (61-degree-F) room for two hours in an ice bath, so join the Polar Bear Club, move to Alaska, or have your kidney stolen.

Tags: Health

The High Price of Low Death Rates

4/06/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, US

Economic strife has many negative effects, and judging by the amount of unemployed people who are most likely drinking their troubles away, it comes as a slight surprise that highway deaths have plummeted to their lowest level since 1961. Experts are pinning the decrease in catastrophic collisions to a few vital factors, including high gas prices as well as stricter enforcement of drunk driving legislation, increased seat belt use, and the work of advocacy groups championing safer driving practices.

While we certainly buy that explanation, we think the improvement in tire technology has played a large part in decreasing fatalities by ensuring that frightened women drivers are less obvious hazards to responsible male drivers who have yet to arrive home from business trips.

Tags: Gas prices, Safety

A Fat Wrap is a Bad Rap

3/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health

Apparently, it’s not just what we’re eating that makes us fat, it’s how much of it we’re eating. Hopefully you already knew that - but it’s not just ice cream, soda, or sticks of chocolate covered bacon you have to worry about.

According to MSN health, even our healthy, nutritious friend orange juice threatens to increase your plumpitude when consumed in large quantities. This seems like it would go without saying, but then again, the amount of fatness stampeding America shows that the seemily black-and-white job of calorie counting leads to more grey area then you’d expect. Included on MSN’s list of eight foods to eat in moderation are the more obvious burgers and pizza. However, according to Dr. Carol Dr. Byrd-Bredbenner, a less conspicuous threat is blue cheese dressing - a sly and delicious killer packing fat in nearly all of its calories (although the good doctor can go to hell for making us pronounce her name).

All in all, it’s still probably best to consume just about everything in moderation. Or if you don’t want to, you can blame your chunkiness on your genes or your upbringing or - if you’re lucky - someone you can sue.

Tags: Health, Obesity

SXSW // Geek Break Doorhangs

3/16/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Because We Feel Like it, Health, OneRiot News, Science

We brought some doorhangs to SXSW, just because it’s nice to keep people out of your hotel room when you’re “blogging.” Some of our pals not at the conference wanted to check them out, so here they are… but if you’re a company that might consider working with us in the future - eh, don’t look at these.

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More after the jump…

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Tags: SXSW, Trouble, WebbieSXSW

Read it and Weep: The Happy Poll

3/11/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health, US

A massive Gallup study has ranked US states and congressional districts in terms of the happiness of their residents, leaving many Americans feeling like shit just from hearing about it.

The 350,000 participant poll was comprised of 42 questions regarding not only the economic well-being of Americans, but their emotional health as well. In a shocking result, the data for the two factors were highly correlated; as it turns out, money not only buys happiness, it starts a trust fund that ensures happiness for generations to come.

The highest ranking state for happiness is Utah, leading many from more bitter, lonely states like West Virginia to conclude that ingorance comes up as bliss on a Gallup poll, to which Utah just smiled and said ‘bless your heart’. Hawaii came in second and third place went to Wyoming, where the one guy who lives in Wyoming was surveyed.

In general, West coast states tended to be happier, and the saddest region in America is the South. East coast states fell around the median, a result of apathy and snootiness when it comes to polls. The overall goal of the study is to help employers find ways to increase productivity among their workers. This initiative may backfire, however, because having/keeping/finding a job in America is exactly what’s making people depressed. Thanks a lot, Gallup.

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