International Affairs | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Ahoy, Na’y Helicopter Seen Pirate Fireblasts - Aye, Bullets

8/27/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs, Politics

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Though pirates off the Somali coast have been active for quite some time, the door to the days of swashbuckling adventure was opened up to Americans in April when Captain Richard Phillips was rescued from a gang of salty sea dogs, revealing the wonderment of days past to a public still buzzing from a series of them-park ride inspired films starring Johnny Depp.

Since the beginning of our new adventure at sea, the US Navy has played the part of the ‘good guys,’ intervening to liberate the innocent and humbly declining the opportunity to accumulate the spoils of battle; in this case meager amounts of rice, machine guns, and 4th hand Salvation Army T shirts rather than the traditional chests of gold coins. Well, today the ‘bad guys’ jumped on the offensive more directly than ever before when they fired on a US Navy helicopter. (more…)

Tags: Pirates, Somali Pirates

Berlusconi Open Marriage Too Far Open

8/26/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

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When you’re the head of state in a country that battles its morality with every breath, you boink an intern and you get impeached. When you’re the head of state in the place where that morality was born, you go full-out sex crazy and you get a solid approval rating. Well, there’s one Italian who won’t look the other way; prime minister Berlusconi’s second wife is blowing the whistle.

Veronica Lario says she and Mr. Berlusconi had an agreement that they would lead separate lives but respect each other. Of course, respect has a precarious definition when you’re dealing with a guy who said “another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries… superb girls.” And then there was his suggestion that a rise in rape was attributed to the fact that there are so many pretty girls around. The list goes on and on. (more…)

Stefanía Fernández Takes the Universe

8/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, International Affairs

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It had all of the ingredients of a typical Donald Trump bash: Eighty-three exotic women from all over the world paraded around the stage at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in the Bahamas, alternating between swimsuits and night gowns as Billy Bush pretended to be interested in their answers to questions pertaining to women’s lib and other pressing issues of the day whilst simultaneously staring at their chests. (more…)

Islam Gears Up For Comic-Con ‘10

8/20/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs, Life & Culture

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The Islamic religion has never had what you would call a shortage of positive role models. Telling the stories of beloved prophets in action-packed bursts, however, has never been an easy task, as the constant repetition of the words “peace be upon him” seems to hinder the ebb and flow of any story. Kuwaiti Clinical psychologist Dr Naif al-Mutawa has remedied the storytelling issues and the longstanding lack of a Muslim nerd contingent at the annual comic-con in one fell swoop with the creation of the world’s first Muslim superheroes. (more…)

Hurricane Felicia Consumes Enrique, Reclassifies as Category 3

8/05/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

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Her name’s Felicia and she’s a perfect 10, but don’t be fooled by her hourglass figure or her exotic origin. This girl is a biotch. This biotch is a man eater. Enrique, a tropical storm that used to be in good shape but has definitely lost a lot of his oomph, thought he’d have a shot at getting his game back before Felicia came along. He wasn’t too phased even when he saw her barreling through the Pacific in a mad rush at 105 mph. He just assumed she was the manic type. Unfortunately for him, he was right. (more…)

Bill Clinton’s Noth Korean Mission Surprisingly… Amicable

8/04/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs, Politics, US

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As much as dictator/supervillain Kim Jong Il hates surprises, he was ecstatic Tuesday to receive an his old friend, former US president Bill Clinton on an unexpected visit. North Korean officials greeted Clinton with jovial handshakes and flowers delivered by one of the isolated nation’s few non-starving children who wasn’t occupied by preparations for Arirang.

The two world figures with oh so disparate Q ratings reportedly discussed a wide range of topics, including the two American reporters currently being held in North Korea, the lack of effect of global economic downturn on a completely isolated nation that was already suffering, and who would die next on True Blood. Sensitive subjects such as the soaring price of kim chi were left off the table, an omission arising from diplomatic intent on the part of Clinton. (more…)

China to Reduce Instances of Capital Punishment

7/30/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

picture-827 If you were planning on committing serious crimes in China but were previously deterred by the possibility of capital punishment, you might consider blowing the dust off that notebook of black market contacts. China is planning on reducing its numbers of death penalties. (more…)

Bombs Strike Jakarta Hotels

7/17/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under International Affairs

While Americans are lucky enough to look back on terrorism stateside as a distant memory, some countries get bombed every week. The latest to fall under attack is Indonesia: a couple of luxury hotels in the country’s capitol of Jakarta were struck by missiles just hours ago. The downtown Ritz-Carlton and JW Marriott hotels both took big blows, and at least nine people are confirmed dead including a New Zealand foreign national. President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono visited the scene and condemned “the cruel and inhuman attack”.

Not a ton of details have been revealed, but keep an eye on the situation here to stay abreast of any new information (or subscibe to the RSS feed for realtime updates). We send our prayers.

Karmic Boomerang Nails Kim Jong II

7/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

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We here at OneRiot never thought we’d see the day when Hollywood star Patrick Swayze and North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il would have something in common. Alas, that day has come. No, the duo aren’t co-stars in kick assness in a new sequel to the 1989 film Next of Kin; rather the Point Break star and North Korean nut job are currently both in the throes of Pancreatic Cancer.
(more…)

Avast Ye, Part 3: Vessel Shwashbuckl’d, Might be Blast’d

7/08/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

It seems that with with all international strife and celebrity deaths happening of late, we’ve had precious little time to focus on high seas high jinks. As luck would have it though, neither Iran, North Korea nor Karl Malden are trending topics right now, leaving plenty of room for gun-toting, eye patch wearing swashbucklers to recapture the public’s imagination along with a Turkish freighter or two. Earlier today, in the Gulf of Aden, five Somali pirates hopped aboard a big ‘ol frigate en route to Jordan from Saudi Arabia with a cargo of chemicals and 23 crew members. Preliminary reports suggested that a Dutch military ship had previously fought off an attack from the pirates, suggesting that despite excelling in the arenas of oven-making, marijuana smoking marijuana, and legalized prostitution; the Netherlands does have some military might.
(more…)

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