It seems that with with all international strife and celebrity deaths happening of late, we’ve had precious little time to focus on high seas high jinks. As luck would have it though, neither Iran, North Korea nor Karl Malden are trending topics right now, leaving plenty of room for gun-toting, eye patch wearing swashbucklers to recapture the public’s imagination along with a Turkish freighter or two. Earlier today, in the Gulf of Aden, five Somali pirates hopped aboard a big ‘ol frigate en route to Jordan from Saudi Arabia with a cargo of chemicals and 23 crew members. Preliminary reports suggested that a Dutch military ship had previously fought off an attack from the pirates, suggesting that despite excelling in the arenas of oven-making, marijuana smoking marijuana, and legalized prostitution; the Netherlands does have some military might.
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Today marks the anniversary of the day when Wayne Gretzky freed the Edmonton Oilers and all surrounding Canadians from Lord Stanley’s iron grip with a few swift dekes and a hat trick.

Nearly every independent country has a special day for celebrating their freedom from the chains of tyranny or a benevolent monarch. In the U.S., that day just so happens to be right around the corner (July 4th - tell us you already knew that). However, before the nation of Lincoln, Washington and well, Rutherford B. Hayes basks in the glow of yet another firework-laden birthday smash, those Nanooks to our North have cause to pop the champagne corks and light off some M-80’s. Why, you ask? Because today is Canada Day!

That’s right, today marks the anniversary of the day in 1867 when Wayne Gretzky freed the Edmonton Oilers and all surrounding Canadians from Lord Stanley’s iron grip with a few swift dekes and a hat trick. Canada would never be the same. Actually, that’s not entirely (or at all) true. Rather, Canada day commemorates the signing of the British North America Act, which united the then four provinces of Canadialand as one nation under a maple leaf, indivisible, with liberty, hockey, and socialized medicine for all.
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While hope is still attempting to spring eternal for the people of Iran via avenues such as Youtube and Twitter, plenty is still rotten in the region formerly known as Persia. It’s been a harrowing day for diplomats and protesters alike, as the Iranian government has expelled a duo of  British envoys for “unconventional behavior” as hard-line protesters shouted “Down With Britain” accompanied by the usual shout of “Down With America!” Many more conservative Iranians are seeing the protesters as naive pawns spurred on by influences such as the BBC and VOA (Voice of America)

Further evidence of the governmental crackdown on election protesters is a special court where detained defiant ones will be tried to set an example for what happens to those who speak out against such protests.  While opposition protests have decreased in size since last week’s original mass gatherings, the current crop has grown more fervent and more willing to clash with authorities.  It’s a scary situation, one whose full grasp can’t be attained - whether or not you have a twitter account.

British parliamentary politics are to US politics as cricket is to baseball; it’s something Americans don’t understand and wish our version of it would discontinued. That’s why when we heard of John Bercow’s ascent to the position of Speaker for the House of Commons, we thought ‘what the hell is a wicket googly?’ Turns out it’s rather simple.

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It’s going off in Tehran. The ballot count was botched, neither candidate wants to accept a loss, and even the Ayatollahs are schlepping around indecisively. The youth movement behind challenger Moussavi is acting as many historical youth movements have; taking to the street peacefully and managing to prove that violence is a tactic of the state and not of this revolution. Following an election day conspicuously rigged in every way possible to allow the ultraconservatives to claim victory, riot police attempted to contain the gathering mobs, resulting in a disenfranchised electorate and the first seven bodies of the potential death toll.
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…they’re racing ponies and golf-clapping under hats the size of watermelons. Jealous? Follow along!

Death is a tenacious adversary, whether you’re a group of attractive young people on a school run trip to Paris or an Italian woman on her way to Par-….oh my god. I apologize, OneRiot reader, for the true gravity of the situation is just now occurring to me in its entirety. Usually, I’ll make a few snappy jokes and strategically inject healthy amounts of what our editor refers to as ’snark’ into an otherwise informative news story, but now is obviously not the time.

It appears that the terminal phenomenon known as death has tightened up its operation and is mitigating some overlooked snafus.

It appears that the terminal phenomenon known as death has tightened up its operation and is mitigating some overlooked snafus. No longer will there be ‘close calls’ or ‘near death experiences.’  As a result, this more precise, less wasteful death will claim the lives of many more people, the which the majority of which managed to avoid natural selection by way of medical advancements and sheer, dumb luck.
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