Well blow me down! O’er the weekend, snipers from the imperial US Navy lined up on the poop deck and rained fire on a Somali man-o-war in order t’ free captured cap’n Richard Phillips. Thar bloody battle on the high seas resulted in the rescuin’ o’ Phillips, along wit’ three fish-feedin’ Somalis ‘n one bilge-suckin’ buccaneer captive.
Now, landlubbin’ US officials are weighin’ in on where the captured pirate—Mohamed Abdi, a young salt that, avast ye, could be as young as 14—best be tried, given his treasonin’ occurred on the open seas. Either way, it can be known fer certain that wherever Abdi ends up’ll be better than the alternative: swabbin’ the decks fer eternity down in Davy Jones’ locker. Savvy?
A bevy of angry village people wielding spears and flaming swords attacked a small horseless carriage on Thursday, leaving two heathens lying dead on the city’s cobblestone streets. The executions occurred when residents of the small Broughton colony outside London discovered plans of an outside power known as Google to use a device called a ‘camera’ to aid criminals in pillaging homes and stealing babies. When the town shaman predicted an apocalyptic happening, the citizenry took to the streets.
Little is known about the Googlian intruders beyond their intentions to map civilization once and for all, but thanks to the violent but necessary actions in Broughton, we can sleep safely in our huts for one more night without worrying about the Great Eye.
(This story may or may not be a complete fabrication based on Broughton residents turning away a Google Street View photography crew.)
Flaunting their proud tradition of both rudeness and giving up, French representatives have threatened to walk away from this week’s G20 summit if their specific demands for tighter financial regulation are not satisfied. French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde told the BBC program Hardtalk (which airs just before Dirty Talk at 11pm) that President Sarkozy would not put his Jean Hancock on any document if
“the deliverables are not there”.
France favors stronger measures for financial regulation than do the U.S. and U.K. Despite France’s adamant stand on strict regulation Barack Obama and British Prime Minister Brown have high hopes that the international economic pow wow could go a long way towards boosting the world from the throes of it’s monetary woes. France’s early exit would prove a detriment to both leaders and those hopes. Despite the prospect of petulant behavior hanging in the air, Prime Minister Brown, in addition to regulation, has issued a call for “moral boundaries” to enhance the way we do business. If you’re looking for a definition of “moral boundaries” look up “Bernie Madoff” on wikipedia and then imagine the opposite.
En route to Cameroon, where he began his tour of Africa, Pope Benedict XVI finally weighed in on the issue of condom use to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS. The verdict from the holiest guy around: they’re no good.
Whether or not condoms are an adequate measure against the spread of STDs is undisputed in the medical community. When used properly, condoms prevent the transfer of diseases more than 90% of the time. The only method of contraception more effective is the mindf**k, depicted in 1993’s blockbuster hit and landmark contraception-advocating film Demolition Man
The Catholic church’s stance on condom use had not been explicitly stated since Benedict replaced his predecessor John Paul II. The issue has been disputed within the global community of clergy, with many priests and nuns who work directly with AIDS patients advocating condom use, and a large number working for God in the first world with the opposing opinion that abstinence is not only the best measure against AIDS, but that people are actually willing to abstain from bumping uglies with multiple partners willy nilly.
The continent of Africa is home to two thirds of all people living with HIV/AIDS and buries a third of all AIDS victims each year. That combined with wretched political activity at the hands of dictators, tribal warfare, and the effects of limited natural resources make it largely an undesirable place to live. Fortunately, the morality ingrained in religion can benefit and potentially save those who deal with these troubles on a daily basis by destressing with sex - as they can now use prayer for the same benefits.
When we first heard that a Chinese tycoon had held a mistress contest, we thought, “what could possibly go wrong? One guy, five mistresses and all he has to do is cut it down to one girl to cheat on his wife with. Sounds simple enough, right?” The only possible tragic outcome that sprung to mind was that American reality TV execs wouldn’t be able to film their imitation version in time for sweeps week.
Well, we haven’t seen any promos on FOX yet, but that’s probably with good reason seeing as the girls- on-the-side grudge match took a decidedly more grievous turn than originally expected. In an apparent fit of rage, the original mistress and subsequent sore loser drove her loaded lothario and his four ladyfriends off a mountain road, killing herself and injuring the rest of the passengers. In a note found in the car, 29 year old driver/victim/ex-mistress revealed the details of the covert competition, noting that she had lost out on her chance for the lust of a lifetime when she was eliminated in the first round beauty trial and was out to exact revenge. The eventual winner took home the concubine crown by besting all comers in the drinking round (for real).
After catching wind of the crash and the contest, the wife of this Chinese captain of Industry promptly filed for divorce. The good news is, he can still date the winner.
Vanessa Starr Palm from Illinois and Alexander Daniel from Indiana have been arrested after catching an unsuspecting rare iguana, then roasting the poor little guy on the BBQ on a recent trip to the Bahamas. What the couple failed to realize was that their little snack was actually protected under the Fisheries Regulations and Wild Animal Protection Act. They probably could have gotten away with their lizardy-lunch if they hadn’t posted incriminating photos of themselves catching, cooking, and eating chunks of the doomed iguana. They were each released on $500.00 bail, and will be returning to court. Officials say they could also be potentially charged under US Law when they return.
All I can say is I hope the endagered fella was worth it. Me? I would have just gone with a regular old’ common lizard or something. (Kidding!)
There must be something in the water (other than those damn Somali Pirates), because this weeks hot topics were stacked with the kind of stuff that should only happen in movies - bad movies, featuring Christian Bale as Satan and a rap soundtrack by Joaquin (yes, that Joaquin) Phoenix.
Spencer Potter, a DJ, is selling his famous phone number on eBay, and if you have a couple hundred thousand bucks to spare, you could be the possessor of some of the most recognizable digits this side of 1982. Bidding currently sits at $369,100 - but that’s a small price to pay for the 100,000 calls a year this set of digits normally sees. Popularity isn’t cheap, y’all. http://topics.oneriot.com/for-sale:-867-5309
You’ve certainly heard this rant by now - and probably the remix - but what none of us seem to have heard is an apology. Way to hide under a rock, Christian - though given the circumstances, I guess we should commend you for not throwing it. http://topics.oneriot.com/bale-goes-ballistic
A few months ago, Joaquin grew out his grizzlies and put on a rap show in LA. It was sort of inaudible, and he sort of fell off the stage, but the Phoenix maintains that he’s laying down traxx in his home studio for an album to be released shortly. We um, really can’t wait. http://topics.oneriot.com/joaquins-rap-act-is-4-real
Scientists just discovered the fossilised remains of an huge, enormous, and appalingly gigantic snake. This beast was about the length of a bus and snacked on crocodiles, which is probably the scariest thing we’ve heard since listening to Joaquin rap. Oh, did we mention it’s big? http://topics.oneriot.com/bus-sized-boa-found
No, really - it’s a record. The 28-year-old woman, who had to fly to Brazil to get her gallon-sized implants, officially holds the records for the world’s biggest ta-tas. “To me, big is beautiful,” said the 38KKK-sized Texan - and uh, well. She got the “big” part right. http://topics.oneriot.com/woman-sets-breast-implants-record
As fun as it is to throw footwear at authority figures, this has to stop (or we’ll all be going barefoot at press conferences). And just asking: Why can’t any of these sole-chuckers hit a target? http://topics.oneriot.com/Shoe-Hurled-at-Chinese-PM
Bill Gates is pissed that people aren’t manning up to the threat of malaria, so to prove a point, he released a swarm of the disease’s primary carriers, mosquitoes, into the audience at TED. Then they all donated tons of money to fund research. Wait, they didn’t? http://topics.oneriot.com/bill-gates-unleashes-mosquitos
There’s nothing like a little smut to drive participation within the Catholic Church. Citing a decline in confessions over the past several years, the Vatican decided to open the doors to one of its most secretive tribunals, known for playing host to the confessions of sins so vile and despicable that only the Pope can grant absolution.
For two days, the “tribunal of conscience” was opened to the [Catholic] public, something that many of the Vatican’s prominent cardinals believe will reinvigorate faith amongst acting Catholics, and increase church attendance at the same time. Coincidentally, this reminds me of the old saying, ’sex sells.’
The Vatican’s number two man, cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, told reporters that “Today it seems as though the sense of sin has been forgotten.” That might have something to do with the ambiguity of sins, but who really knows.
Now, I don’t want to suggest that the hierarchy of Catholic sins is by any means downright silly, but you may be surprised to hear that things like spitting out the sacramental wine at communion—referred to as ‘defiling the Eucharist’—is considered a pope-worthy sin, but genocide is simply handled on the local level by any priest or bishop. Huh?
If you’ve had it with office politics and working your way up the corporate ladder, Australia has the job for you. Yes, the land down under is offering the alleged “Best Job In The World” to an international field of applicants - so what is it?
Well, one lucky employee will be whisked away to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef and asked to tackle the stressful position of Island Caretaker, where the daily grind will include going for long walks on the beach, snorkeling along the reef, and a “few minor tasks.” Not just anyone qualifies for this cushy career; all candidates must be excellent communicators in the English language (check) and good swimmers (check, if you count the doggy paddle). In addition, the happiest hired gun on the globe will have the opportunity to become a ce-web-rity as they will be asked to post weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates to the world wide webnet.
Despite being given an ample salary of $105,000 (U.S), being housed in a comfortable rent-free, three-bedroom apartment equipped with a pool and supplied with a golf buggy, there is one catch: Australia has just about every deadly animal in the world living in it’s confines. So, we have our suspicions that this is some sort of sadistic science experiment in which the Australian government is taking bets on how soon this “lucky” person is going to get stung by a box jellyfish while going for a morning snorkel. That said, sign us up.
A rural Papua New Guinea community has carried out their own version of justice by burning a young woman alive for suspected sorcery. The woman was not the first victim to be gagged, bound and burned alive, as local authorities say these activities have been quite usual for at least several decades, and that they have had trouble policing these remote areas.
The cause of these murders is most likely a retribution for unexplained deaths in the village - deaths that are thought to have been brought on by black magic. Unfortunately, these deaths have a perfectly valid explanation in the real world: AIDS. So, in light of the horrible damage done locally by this virus, the locals are taking out anyone that looks suspicious. “Look, I don’t like it any more than you do,” said Edmond Ogndna, local tribal leader. “But we’re not going to sit idly by while our people are dying. The only solution is to kill the people that are making the other people die. And that could be anybody. Anybody…or even like everybody.”
The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
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As of Thursday morning, OneRiot will be playing host to a new challenge - one that will answer a question we’ve been itching to address: What does the realtime web look like?
The rules to the challenge are simple: Use OneRiot’s API to create a data visualization of the realtime web, using the stream(s) of info [...]
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