“Number four just pulled another 180 - effectively turning it into a 900, but really who’s counting.

A year and a half ago, on a solemn March afternoon in Green Bay, Wisconsin; Brett Favre, one of Football’s most beloved QB’s rode off into the sunset in a tear-soaked goodbye to the Packer faithful. #4 then spent the next couple of months wavering in between wanting to tell the Packers that he might unretire and staying put at home in Mississippi, finally deciding to come back only to find out that the team that made him had so unceremoniously moved on in his absence. This didn’t sit well with the self-important deity of the cheesehead movement. He demanded to be given his release and made a silent vow to stick it to his former teammates once he was crowned the new savior of one of their NFC North rivals. (more…)

Third in our series of “Meet the Team” posts is OneRiot’s crew of contributing editors, a well-worded set of current events commentators responsible for keeping our content fresh, snappy and primed for consumption by actual, live readers. Yeah, it’s a tall order. But God knows they try.

Abdullah Saeed

Abdullah is a slim young fellow with a knack for words. He spent the majority of his childhood speaking English where Thai was the common tongue. Nevertheless, he maintained his love for language throughout and eventually found himself on the east coast of the US, where he not only pursued his career as a writer, but developed his musical skills. Writing by day and immersing himself in sampling production and vinyl manipulation by night, he has taken to the nomad life and can no longer end his bios with his favorite personal description: Abdullah resides in Philadelphia and is an avid collector of music.

Chris Reinhard

Chris Reinhard spent his early years wandering the post-apocalyptic American plains with his father. He attributes his success as a blogger to the trials of his youth: surviving on what food they could hunt with a single pistol, sleeping without shelter and avoiding savage native tribes whose only intention was to collect the scalps—and souls—of anyone they encountered.

Evan Kessler

Evan Kessler was born in the late 1970’s, an illiterate mute who had yet to fully harness the power of his own legs. However, after months of perseverance not only did Mr. Kessler master the power of walking, he soon gained full command of the English language in both written and spoken form. Never forgetting to put i’s before e’s except after c’s (or when spelling with -eigh like neighbor and weigh) has paid handsome dividends for this writer/blogger, who regularly takes the interweb by storm with his impossibly dry wit and a journalistic integrity. Not only has he thought about winning the Pulitzer prize, but he will one day think about winning the Peabody and perhaps an Oscar for best sound design. That’s just the way he rolls.

There are bad months - and then there are BAD MONTHS. In September 1975, then President Gerald Ford had a BAD MONTH when he was met by not one, but two potential lady assassins in a 15-day span. While uncovering obvious holes in Secret Service protection neither proved themselves as handy with a firearm as say, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes- Boothe, or even John Hinckley. In fact, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s gun didn’t even go off, and Sarah Jane Moore ended up getting wrestled to the ground before inflicting only the slightest damage on a nearby cab driver. (more…)

Kelly. That name means something different to everyone, but it always means a lot. To many of us, it conjures up memories of Saved by the Bell heart throb Tiffani Thiessen. For a slightly younger generation, perhaps American Idol champion Kelly Clarkson comes to mind. R&B fans might think of a urinating singer whose first name is a letter that definitely doesn’t stand for Reasonable. However, all of us do try to avoid a certain image. One who not only ruined the name Kelly, but ruined the name Osbourne as well. (more…)

From now on, consumers hungry for that sweet taste of empowered female youth will be able to indulge their sweet tooth without the nasty aftertaste of charitable donation.

Lately Wal-mart has taken a break from it’s busy schedule of putting mom and pop shops out to pasture by instituting friendlier, greener initiatives. However, maintaining the do-good mentality of a behemoth boasting low low prices for stuff made in China seemed to be all but an afterthought when everyone’s favorite superstore decided to outmuscle everyone’s favorite, adorably non-profit cookie sellers…for a profit, of course.  (more…)

Ah, Bruges. Home of captivating medieval architecture, fortified canals, and Michelangelo’s Madonna & Child…And scene of the greatest crime spree since Bonnie and Clyde!

In the dead silence of a summer night, three master criminals shatter the shackles of imprisonment, break from their cells and rush the guards, making their way into the prison yard where their goons have landed a hijacked helicopter. With a half burnt cigar fuming from his hardened lips, Abdel-Hakim, better known as Abe the Bonecrusher, holds a menacing expression and a revolver to the frightened pilot’s back. Mohammed Johry, Abdel Had Kahjary Mulloul and Ashraf Sekkaki, codenames Jolt Johry, Karjack, and Sekret Samurai, dive into the chopper seconds before it ascends among the blaring emergency horns and the flashing floodlights. “Looks like we made it, boys,” Jolt says as he sheds his striped prison shirt for a flak jacket and bandolier. (more…)

Figureheads across the globe whipped out their notebooks today to take tips from the true master of fake leadership as Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad put on a true display of false prophecy. In response to talk that a rift had risen between his administration and the actual leaders of Iran, the Guardian Council led by Ayatollah Ali Khameini, Ahmadinejad laid out an ass kiss from which the lipstick mark will remain embedded until the end of his second term at least. (more…)

Rumors of congressional boneheadedness are circulating in Washington today—well, they’re always circulating, but we digress—about a potential major flaw in the recently passed ‘Cash for Clunkers’ legislation. Apparently, nobody really thought through the budget for the program, which allows car dealerships to provide a government credit to consumers who trade in their gas-guzzling cars; and now the billion dollars set aside for its execution are all but dried up like a raisin in the San Bernardino sun. (more…)