We often forget that, despite their being elected by popular vote, senators are not typical people. To end up in office, you have to be eloquent, opinionated, and charismatic; or you’re a jackass who beat out a less desireable jackass. Over the past four days, we’ve learned a lot about the white gentlemen comprising this rogues gallery and very little about the woman at the center of these hearings, Sonya Sotomayor.
(more…)
Zelaya experienced every president’s worst nightmare: the army showing up at your door at night and dragging you to Costa Rica in your pajamas.
Once you look past the civil unrest, bloody public violence, and scathing injustice, a coup is kind of a funny thing. Honduran president Manuel Zelaya fell in line with his socialist homey Hugo Chavez in an impoverished nation with a tiny but wealthy elite and a majority in a festering soup of poverty. Logical assumptions would lead one to believe that the regressive and conservative action of removing such a leader for army rule would be an unpopular action forced by the military. Judging by the condemnation of Latin America and the world at large, it comes as a bit of a surprise that only 30% of Hondurans actually support Zelaya.
PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause and for the civil practice of symbolically throwing blood red paint on people wearing fur, has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom of Animalia: President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama. The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life a common housefly whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview. As a result of Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less vicious device for ridding pests from the President’s sphere of personal space, a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.
Text messaging was blocked all day, rendering youngsters unable to quickly convey campaign messages, organize rallies, or to meet up at Iftikhar’s later for some sheshandaz and haftabijar.
In light of a couple of big debacles in our recent history, including ballot fraud, a stolen election, and the likely ongoing Franken/Coleman bout, America can feel proud about our ability to rig a ballot. But even our refined skill is constantly overshadowed by nations in the third world. Iranians voted for their president today, choosing between a former prime minister purported to be the reform candidate Mousavi and the lovable and familiar Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Voter turnout was estimated to be an astounding 22 percent; the mark of a populous so enthusiastic about its government that they somehow managed to elect both parties. In Iran, truly, everyone wins.
Backed by the nations ruling council of brown Santa Clauses, Ahmadinejad was expected to emerge the victor unscathed. However, the youth movement backed his reformist rival with enough numbers to put a dent in the incumbent’s base.
The country’s most morally confusing state (yes, we know we’re from here) took ten steps back today when a motion to reject Proposition 8 was voted down in California. Had it passed, people of alternative lifestyles living in the Golden State would have been able to marry one another if they so desired.
The state’s befuddling majority of morally habitual voters helped to assure that gays continue to be treated like they are subhuman. So, until the next polling date, the God-fearing residents of California can continue teaching their children unequal rights practices. If only this damn progress thing weren’t such a burden on traditional values, we could all sleep soundly at night.
Kanye West did the entire world a favor today by announcing that he does not, did not, and will not ever have a Twitter account. The popular producer, fashionista and vocoder spokesman blogged about his distaste for the medium, suggesting that using it would only keep him from being the voice of a generation we have all come to ‘love’ and ‘respect.’
West also ragged on Twitter founder Jack Dorsey for allowing fake celebrity accounts to continue slandering their real celebrity counterparts: “IT’S A F*CKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE.” (Note following picture of #1 Kanye fake. Seriously, Jack - how do you know?!)
Get out your light sabers, call up your best wookie friend and prepare to defend yourself against the dark side, because it’s Star Wars Day! Yes, all over the world people who think “May the 4th be with you” is a funny joke because it sounds like “May the force be with you!” will be spending the entirety of their Monday engaging in marathons of all six Star Wars movies and The Ewok Adventure while pretending that the three most recent prequels are not blights on cinematic history.
In addition to not getting laid, the majority of participants will argue whether Lando Calrissian or Han Solo is the true captain of the Millenium Falcon, and tell tall tales of stalking Mark Hamill in parking lots, before re-enacting crucial moments of The Empire Strikes Back with their still sealed action figures. These are not the good times you’re looking for.
Following the recent rash of controversial occurrences revolving around horny teenagers diddling around with technology, the sexually progressive state of Vermont is toying with the idea of encouraging trashy behavior in teenagers by legalizing the act of ’sexting.’ Sexting is defined as sending of naughty pictures or messages over the world wide phoneweb and under current law, when carried out between consenting teenagers falls under the category of child pornography where those found guilty become slapped with the sex offender label.
Whether or not the law is passed decriminalizing the act most Vermont teens will continue experiment with their sexuality either on myspace or a ratty couch in a friends wood paneled basement while their parents are away. The state however could have plans to discourage budding teen textuality in other ways, like distributing cellular jimmy hats and via state run programs such as “practicing safe cybersex” and “virtual abstinence”.
When we put the words “Clinton” and “sex” together in one sentence, we immediately jump to the good ol’ days when a certain President denied sexual relations with a certain brunette. Now, 10 years later, the words can be lumped together once again - but it’s not what you think.
Journalists got a little more than they bargained for when they attempted to dial in to a conference call to talk foreign policy with Hillary Clinton and our National Security Advisor. Instead, a spicy little vixen answered the phone asking, “Do you have any hidden desires? If you feel like getting nasty, then you came to the right place.” While the journalists prayed to God that it wasn’t Hillary speaking on the other end, White House Aides scrambled to find the correct number and disconnect from the pay-by-the-minute hotline. Soon after, the correct conference call was underway.
The only thing we have left to wonder is if the phone-sex woman had an accent, in which case White House officials could have just charged the steamy conversation to their credit-cards, then business expensed it as “international relations.”
In a show of solidarity with the American homeowner, the First Family Obama has opted to cover the cost of redecorating the White House with personal funds. While all newly elected presidents are allotted $100,000 specifically for this purpose, first lady Michelle Obama seems to have spearheaded the decision to decline this allowance, seeing that taxpayer money not be squandered on home luxuries for the ’serveant of the people.’ Nice to see she won’t be pulling a Jackie Kennedy.
While the notion means to appear a noble and modest one to Americans struggling with their own financial difficulties, it may very well be that the Obamas just wanted to drop a wee bit more than a hundred grand on their pad. They’ve hired Michael S. Smith for the redecorating job, a man who has finagled feng shui for the likes of Rupert Murdoch and Steven Spielberg. Absorbing the cost themselves means they need not disclose the amount of their expenditure.
Though we could easily doubt the good intentions behind this decision, let’s take solace in the fact that a little less of our money is being burned on stuff we don’t care about.
Lorraine Foley November 19, 2009 7:10 pm Reference the article on this website: www.rainbowminerals.net/his... 
Trackback - Cheap Internation Call >> How to make cheap international call November 19, 2009 3:01 pm ,..]... 
Jasmine November 16, 2009 1:49 pm Very clever! A bit brutal, but then again, the truth hurts… 
Steve Call November 15, 2009 5:14 am Thanks a lot for this well written article. But I had trouble navigating... 
Maye November 12, 2009 4:37 pm Happy Birthday! 
The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen. Who will it be?
The Search: Uga VII
Some of us are born into greatness and some have it unexpectedly thrust upon us and never learn to deal with it, leading us to end up in rehab. You can count the [...]
The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine. But is he man enough for this title?
The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]
The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King. OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.
The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]
The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime. OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]
The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]
As of Thursday morning, OneRiot will be playing host to a new challenge - one that will answer a question we’ve been itching to address: What does the realtime web look like?
The rules to the challenge are simple: Use OneRiot’s API to create a data visualization of the realtime web, using the stream(s) of info [...]
The blog owner requires users to be logged in to be able to vote for this post.
Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.
Powered by Vote It Up
Buddy Up