Politics | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

PETA’s Presidential Pet Peeve

6/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause and for the civil practice of symbolically throwing blood red paint on people wearing fur, has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom of Animalia: President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama. The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life a common housefly whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview. As a result of Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less vicious device for ridding pests from the President’s sphere of personal space, a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.

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Tags: Obama, PETA

In Iran, Truly, Everyone Wins

6/12/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs, Politics

Text messaging was blocked all day, rendering youngsters unable to quickly convey campaign messages, organize rallies, or to meet up at Iftikhar’s later for some sheshandaz and haftabijar.

In light of a couple of big debacles in our recent history, including ballot fraud, a stolen election, and the likely ongoing Franken/Coleman bout, America can feel proud about our ability to rig a ballot. But even our refined skill is constantly overshadowed by nations in the third world. Iranians voted for their president today, choosing between a former prime minister purported to be the reform candidate Mousavi and the lovable and familiar Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Voter turnout was estimated to be an astounding 22 percent; the mark of a populous so enthusiastic about its government that they somehow managed to elect both parties. In Iran, truly, everyone wins.

Backed by the nations ruling council of brown Santa Clauses, Ahmadinejad was expected to emerge the victor unscathed. However, the youth movement backed his reformist rival with enough numbers to put a dent in the incumbent’s base.

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California Upholds Prop 8

5/26/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Politics, US

The country’s most morally confusing state (yes, we know we’re from here) took ten steps back today when a motion to reject Proposition 8 was voted down in California. Had it passed, people of alternative lifestyles living in the Golden State would have been able to marry one another if they so desired.

The state’s befuddling majority of morally habitual voters helped to assure that gays continue to be treated like they are subhuman. So, until the next polling date, the God-fearing residents of California can continue teaching their children unequal rights practices. If only this damn progress thing weren’t such a burden on traditional values, we could all sleep soundly at night.

Tags: California, Human Rights, Prop 8

Twitter Quits Hating on @Replies, Kanye Takes Over

5/13/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy, Gossip, Life & Culture, Politics, Science

Kanye West did the entire world a favor today by announcing that he does not, did not, and will not ever have a Twitter account. The popular producer, fashionista and vocoder spokesman blogged about his distaste for the medium, suggesting that using it would only keep him from being the voice of a generation we have all come to ‘love’ and ‘respect.’

West also ragged on Twitter founder Jack Dorsey for allowing fake celebrity accounts to continue slandering their real celebrity counterparts: “IT’S A F*CKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE.” (Note following picture of #1 Kanye fake. Seriously, Jack - how do you know?!)

Tags: Kanye West, Twitter

‘Star Wars Day’ 4th Field Mauls Twitter

5/04/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

Get out your light sabers, call up your best wookie friend and prepare to defend yourself against the dark side, because it’s Star Wars Day! Yes, all over the world people who think “May the 4th be with you” is a funny joke because it sounds like “May the force be with you!” will be spending the entirety of their Monday engaging in marathons of all six Star Wars movies and The Ewok Adventure while pretending that the three most recent prequels are not blights on cinematic history.

In addition to not getting laid, the majority of participants will argue whether Lando Calrissian or Han Solo is the true captain of the Millenium Falcon, and tell tall tales of stalking Mark Hamill in parking lots, before re-enacting crucial moments of The Empire Strikes Back with their still sealed action figures. These are not the good times you’re looking for.

Tags: Star Wars, Star Wars Day

Vermont May Support Teen Textuality

4/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, Politics, US

Following the recent rash of controversial occurrences revolving around horny teenagers diddling around with technology, the sexually progressive state of Vermont is toying with the idea of encouraging trashy behavior in teenagers by legalizing the act of ’sexting.’ Sexting is defined as sending of naughty pictures or messages over the world wide phoneweb and under current law, when carried out between consenting teenagers falls under the category of child pornography where those found guilty become slapped with the sex offender label.

Whether or not the law is passed decriminalizing the act most Vermont teens will continue experiment with their sexuality either on myspace or a ratty couch in a friends wood paneled basement while their parents are away. The state however could have plans to discourage budding teen textuality in other ways, like distributing cellular jimmy hats and via state run programs such as “practicing safe cybersex” and “virtual abstinence”.

Tags: Cell Phones, Sex, Teens

Phone Sex in the White House

4/03/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Politics

When we put the words “Clinton” and “sex” together in one sentence, we immediately jump to the good ol’ days when a certain President denied sexual relations with a certain brunette. Now, 10 years later, the words can be lumped together once again - but it’s not what you think.

Journalists got a little more than they bargained for when they attempted to dial in to a conference call to talk foreign policy with Hillary Clinton and our National Security Advisor. Instead, a spicy little vixen answered the phone asking, “Do you have any hidden desires? If you feel like getting nasty, then you came to the right place.” While the journalists prayed to God that it wasn’t Hillary speaking on the other end, White House Aides scrambled to find the correct number and disconnect from the pay-by-the-minute hotline. Soon after, the correct conference call was underway.

The only thing we have left to wonder is if the phone-sex woman had an accent, in which case White House officials could have just charged the steamy conversation to their credit-cards, then business expensed it as “international relations.”

Tags: Hillary Clinton, Phone Sex

Obamas Pay for Their Own Style

3/30/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics, US

In a show of solidarity with the American homeowner, the First Family Obama has opted to cover the cost of redecorating the White House with personal funds. While all newly elected presidents are allotted $100,000 specifically for this purpose, first lady Michelle Obama seems to have spearheaded the decision to decline this allowance, seeing that taxpayer money not be squandered on home luxuries for the ’serveant of the people.’ Nice to see she won’t be pulling a Jackie Kennedy.

While the notion means to appear a noble and modest one to Americans struggling with their own financial difficulties, it may very well be that the Obamas just wanted to drop a wee bit more than a hundred grand on their pad. They’ve hired Michael S. Smith for the redecorating job, a man who has finagled feng shui for the likes of Rupert Murdoch and Steven Spielberg. Absorbing the cost themselves means they need not disclose the amount of their expenditure.

Though we could easily doubt the good intentions behind this decision, let’s take solace in the fact that a little less of our money is being burned on stuff we don’t care about.

Tags: Obama, White House

Legal Marijuana Looking Up

3/04/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Politics, US

Light that sh*t, smoke that sh*t, pass that sh*t! While the first two commonly-heard demands referred to reefer in general, the third refers to a potentially historic lawmaking moment in California, where legislators are getting more and more serious about making cannabis (that’s weed, y’all) a real live legal substance. There’s more to the story than a few dopers looking for a less incriminating way to light up; it would seem that a floundering economy could find some serious solace in letting people get their toke on legally.

Legislator Tom Ammiano (yes, of San Francisco) ran the numbers awhile back and deduced that legalizing the chronic could earn California a massive hit of taxpayers’ green—upwards of $1.3 billion. That accounts for localized growing and a state tax of fifty bucks an ounce, which, if you have ever bought pot before, might strike you as a super dank, knock-you-on-your-ass deal.

There seem to be a lot of reasons to push for legalization, and as of today, 14 states have decriminalized the narcotic to some extent. Even the Obama administration has put an end to medical dispensary raids, suggesting that Mary Jane is soon to be popping up on street corners all over America. We won’t comment on how excited that makes us…we’re responsible journalists and don’t want to take sides.

Tags: California, Marijuana

Barbie’s Birthday Marred by Politics

3/04/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

Barbie may not look a day over 23, but Mattel’s miniature MILF will turn 50 on March 9th. However, with just five days until the big 5-0, it seems as though the plastic beauty icon could receive her birthday punches a few days early.

Ken’s on-again off-again main squeeze is facing a possible ban in the State of West Virginia thanks in part to Democratic Delegate Jeff Eldridge, who proposed a bill outlawing the collectible playmate for pre-teens. Jeff believes that such toys carry with them a propensity for teaching young girls to place the importance on physical beauty over intelligence and emotional maturity - a characteristic not at all embodied by the other 9,099 things that fill a young girl’s upbringing.

The bill was recently sent to a house judiciary committee where Eldridge expects it to be laughed at despite it’s noble reasoning. Unfortunately, Mattel could not be reached for comment on account of Teen Talk Barbie tying up the phone lines over a Rainbow Princess Barbie clothes-borrowing tiff.

Tags: Barbie, Politics

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