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3.6T & Me: Obama’s Dishout Plan

2/27/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Politics, US

Obama rolled out a beefy budget yesterday, and the $3.6 trillion dollar outline (that’s $3,600,000,000,000) put so many 24K gold stars in our eyes that we cumulatively blacked out. When we came to licking parking meters, we realized not even the most monetarily mature can fight the power of a 13-digit bank account – so we thought up some ways to keep Obama from the dark side. Spend, spend, spend Mr. President, it’s the only way you’ll come out alive.

Bring on the Weather

Making it rain is fun, but spring showers will do nothing to rid yourself of all those zeros. Go find a tornado, stick a few million in it, and let mother nature do her thing. Subsequent disaster relief will just be frosting on the cake.

The Great American Craft Project

How many dollar bills would it take to make a paper chain long enough to go around the world? Who knows - but the thought of all those George’s holing hands is sure heartwarming.

The Green Ticket

Hand cops a wad of bills to be used specifically for the purpose of writing parking tickets on. Time is money, and paper is trees, and all of those things are in short demand these days - so go green on us. With all those dang quotas to fill you’ll zap billions in no time.

We’ll Call it Ballerpaper

Prioritize: Do you want to go down as the best president or the fresh president? Floor to ceiling wallpaper, all $100 bills. Money-est decoupage project ever - and kids would suddenly enjoy DC field trips to boot. Do it, ‘Bama!

Feed the Dog

Some things you should know before this puppy shows up in April: Things will go missing, things will get eaten, and things will get peed on. But there’s a platinum lining to this sometimes stressful state of affairs - you can blame puppies for everything. Missing a few bills? Well… yeah. You have a dog.

Or, you can breeze through those trillies the way you told America you would. Best of luck, Obama - don’t worry, no one’s watching or anything.

Tags: Budget, Obama

New Zealand Protestors are in the Dark

2/17/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Because We Feel Like it, Politics

A new law in New Zealand has people crying protest! The amendment, which will take effect at the end of this month, basically makes Internet Service Providers overlords of the entire world wide webs by allowing them to boot people off the Internet if they’re accused of copyright infringement. It’s a lot of power to have when you don’t need to be proven guilty and the punishment is insanely steep. Needless to say, it’s angered 1) Those who think the law will be wielded unjustly and cause people to get kicked off the Internet when they’ve done nothing wrong, and 2) Those people who consistently rip other people off.

In order to protest this possibility of getting ousted, a Blackout has been called in which those participating replace their photos on facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites with a black square. We’re behind you New Zealand, but, um, nice one? Is this so people won’t commit copyright infringement on their photos or is it that you are all copying each’s black square? Or, is it just that if someone is going to kick you off of the Internet you thought you would take the first step and severely limit your own usage?

Tags: blackout, internet protest, New Zealand

Gays Find Marriage Not All it’s Cracked Up to Be

2/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Life & Culture, Politics, US

Proposition 8 might have been met with resounding opposition in California this past election, but a recent news story is proving that no matter the sexes involved, being hitched holds the same difficulties for everyone. Contrary to popular belief, just because gay people fight to get married, they don’t always fight to stay married. They even get divorced.

This shocking truth was brought into focus when it was announced that Julie and Hilary Goodridge, a popular lesbian couple that led the fight for gay marriage in Massachusetts, recently applied for tickets to Splitsville. While there’s been no official word on why the couple broke up, there is speculation that whoever wore the pants tended to come home late and was never really committed to making it work.

Tags: Gay Rights, Human Rights, Prop 8

Obamabitter: McCain Sour Over Barack Promises

2/05/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics

In a shocking break from his usual stance, former republican presidential nominee John McCain is accusing Obama’s proposed stimulus legislation of being a ‘bad bill.’ The senator from Arizona has not been heard using that phrase since referring to President Clinton in the mid 90s.

McCain claims that since Obama has taken office, “we have seen major appointments that contradict the very impressive rhetoric” the new president is famous for. Though McCain’s comments could be cast aside as sour grapes after a close election, many are stating that the lack of experience republicans berated Obama about during campaign months may actually have some effect on the implementation of the change he stands for. As Obama-fever subsides, more and more on the left are warming up to the idea that Barack Obama is not a superhero from another planet, as his name might suggest.

The public Obama backlash is taking effect in the wake of scandalettes* involving Obama’s appointees to a couple of cabinet positions. Critics describe the recent issues as evidence that Washington will remain ‘business-as-usual’ despite Obama’s promise of a warmer, fuzzier government that giggles when you tickle it or pay your taxes. While it is much too soon to say whether or not he will be an effective leader, those who have made up their minds are confident that a month of his presidency is quite enough to judge him by.

Tags: John McCain, Obama, Politics

Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues

2/03/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, Politics

Republican Senators have combined their efforts to produce their very own reformed version of the next stimulus package. Casually referred to on Capitol Hill as Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues, economy booster is expected to outperform its initial incarnation in the areas of effectiveness and national perception. The conservative edit contains narrower spending on various program and relies largely on tax cuts to increase consumer confidence and counteract the current slump. Big names on the cover include Sen. Mel Martinez, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Marlene Marzipan, and a senator from South Carolina known only as Mango.

House Republicans have decided to throw down their own ideas in the form of an edit of the edited version of the original proposal. Citing the abundance of pork in the edit of the edit, leading Republican representatives have edited down their own edit and sent it back to the republican senators for a revision. After deliberation and several more edits, a compromise was reached in the form of budget breakdown consisting of only two items; twenty dollar stimulus checks for all citizens and a provision to fund new catering for the senate house lounge. Senators drafting this final edit maintain that while most of the pork was removed, it is possible that some will still slip by in there, as is the nature of the game.

Tags: Economy, Stimulus

Say it with Sole: The Top 5 Shoes for Political Assault

2/03/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, Politics

If you had told us two months ago that Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi was a global warfare trendsetter we would have never believed you, but since attempting the first shoe-sassination on then President Bush in mid-December, frustrated civilians everywhere are beginning to take up feet against their oppressors.

The latest shoe d’État was carried out by a student at Cambridge University, who attempted to decapitate Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao by flinging his trainer. Luckily for Wen, the sneaker landed a meter from the leader of the Asian Superpower, but not even China can stop commemorative art projects (like this one) from invading international consciousness.

We at OneRiot have put down our pistols, beat our swords into plowshares and replaced our office revolvers with roses. However, with the Koreas on the brink of war, we thought still it would be wise to give you our own global guide to weaponry for this New, er, Shoe World Order. Here’s a list of five fatal footwear choices that are guaranteed to eviscerate your enemy - or at least give him a nasty taste of the black and blues.

1. Baydan- Model 271

Manufactured in Turkey, it’s the shoe the pros throw. If President Bush hadn’t gained so much agility from all of those days clearing brush in Crawford, we’d be referring to this baby as “the shoe heard round the world”.

2. Salvatore Ferragamo Parigi II Moccasin

Casual. Crocodile. Killer. These top of the line Italian-crafted babies may set you back $1,900, but at that price no one will suspect you’ll want them to become state’s evidence.

3. Tory Burch Hamilton Pump

No, Aaron Burr didn’t use this shoe to take out Alexander Hamilton back in the day, but he could’ve. This ones for all feminine freedom fighters and crossdressing commandos out there. Word is the heel gives it boomerang action, so if you miss your target and don’t get tackled you could have a second go-round.

4. Speedo Men’s Hydro Shell XP II Watershoe

Let’s face it, not all of the action is going to take place on land. It’s important to be prepared for water warfare.

5. Lucchese Classic Collection L100

If you’ve got the arm strength - or have wrangled your way into point blank range - these are going to hurt. Bad.

Tags: Politics, Shoes

This Week’s Top 10 Hot Topics

1/30/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Gossip, Industry, OneRiot News, Politics, Sports, US

1. GOOGLE KILLS BAMBI

A Google Maps car sacked a baby deer while mapping Five Points Road in Rush, NY, and until very recently, you could watch the whole thing (you know, if you were into that). The footage has since been removed, but the pictures remain - and if you listen closely to them, you can hear the poor, dying thing whisper, “Don’t Be Eeevil!!!”

2. SWAT TEAM TAKES DOWN PS3 GAMERS

A Danish swat team busted in on two PS3 players after their neighbors (and the authorities) took the gory gaming sounds seriously. In other words, Copenhagen successfully created an Escher drawing… irl. Yeah Denmark!

3. STIMULATE U.S.

The House gave the go-ahead on an $819 billion dollar stimulus bill, causing more than one of us to raise our pinky to our lips and cackle. Make it rain, Obama, make it rain.

4. RICHARD… WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF?

The world’s best complaint letter gave us more chances to say, “that’s what she said” than the second episode of Tila Tequila (except it was even more fun, because you got to say it with an accent).

5. BOYS (1), GIRLS (1)
To the overdue joy of women everywhere, Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, taking the guesswork out of equal compensation (where ‘guesswork’ meant, ‘if your boss felt like it’). That’s right girls - you’re officially worth it.

6. TED HAGGARD BATS AGAIN
Religious outcast Ted Haggard was slowing creeping back after a nasty hard drugs and man-on-man situation, but new allegations of even more ‘ungodliness’ have created another dirty closet to clean up. Or -cough- come out of.

7. JESSICA SIMPSON MOMS OUT & BOOTYS UP
Jessica debuted some more soulful curves in some mommy pants recently, and the reactions to her fuller figure have been mixed. OneRiot users feel great about the extra cushion - but whoever put her in that outfit should be spanked with a belt. Maybe even all three of them.

8. IRANIAN WOMEN BANNED FROM WATCHING SOCCER

While Obama was locking down more equality in the US, Iran locked out its feminine population from a national pastime. Where God opens a door he closes a… wait, that’s not it.

9. BLOODY MONDAY: THE JOB SLAYINGS CONTINUE

Caterpillar, Home Depot, Boeing - it’s a bloodbath out there, and the perks of the stimulus plan won’t be felt for a long time yet. Hang in there, ‘Merica.

10. 25 YEARS OF APPLE

Though middle-schoolers tend to think otherwise, Apple did exist before the iPod. Now, one hammer, millions of iPhones, and plenty of blase middle years in between, the company is celebrating its 25th birthday. Free MacBooks for everyone!

Tags: Hot Topics, OneRiot

Thanks and Have Fun Running the Country

1/20/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Life & Culture, Politics, US

Our new President is bringing hope and the promise of change to people all over this country - but not just to the people who voted for him. As demonstrated by the kids at 826 Valencia, a non-profit child’s literacy center in San Francisco, a much younger (and shorter) demographic have also taken notice.

After Obama was elected, volunteers at the center asked the children to write letters to the president-to-be as an exercise in both writing and current events, and the results were hilarious, heartwarming, and brutally honest. The idea caught on at 826 Writing Centers all over the country, and the letters were collected into a compilation book (Which is awesome and wonderful, and you can purchase it here.

We really do think that kids say it best, so in attempt to say hello to our brand-spankin’ new President ( for the third time today - we know, we’re done, we promise) here are some of our favorite notes from kids to Mr. Barack Obama…

Dear Barack Obama,

Congrats on becoming the president of the United States and slaughtering John McCain. I think that, unlike W., you should dodge other countries and not shoes. You should not be so quick to go to war and negotiate with terrorists. I like what you said about bringing the troops home from Iraq.

If you like my letter, know that it’s from D’andre “the King” Legrand, age 12
Brooklyn

Dear President Obama,

Are you going to be pictured on our money? How do you get in the White House? Do you like Abraham Lincoln? Do you have a big backyard? Martin Luther King Jr. had big fans. How many fans do you have? You could help us by giving us food. I am Luis Ramirez. I go to school at Mayberry. I like to play video games.

Luis Ramirez, age 8
Los Angeles

Dear President Obama,

If I want anybody to be president, it’s me. I would clean the streets and give myself more money. I would also give everybody a piece of a Reese’s candy. Every homeless guy or girl would get $50 for help and a place to sleep for the winter. My family and other families would get free gas for our cars; single people with no kids would have to pay. The money would come from copying other bills. The $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100 bills would be copied one thousand times.

The paper would not come from trees but from hardened glue. The way to make it is by mixing water and glue together so that it looks like paper. You then put it in a ﬁre, then let it cool in the freezer.

Weslie Jackson, age 12
Chicago

If you want to check out more, go here.

Tags: Kids, Obama

George ‘Make it Rain’ Bush Spends $11.5 Trillion

1/19/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy, Politics, US

It ain’t fair to put this all on that crazy cowboy from Texas, but studies indicate that the United States spent about $11.5 trillion—that is correct, eleven thousand and five hundred billion—during the presidency of George W Bush. If you weren’t quite sure, that is (a lot) more than ever before. And while I would like to do some kind of fun little exercise to explain how many _____s you could have bought with that money, no adequate or understandable comparisons can be made.

As you might have guessed, a lot went into setting this kind of a record, from a total economic collapse on Wall Street in late 2008, to that devastating terrorist attack back in 2001 and its successive wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Yet perhaps the most important factor to note is that such spending is not about to come to a screeching halt in the months and years after president-elect Barack Obama’s inauguration on January 20th, 2009. While the next pres has aspirations of recovering the American economy, it’s true that he too will be forced to adhere to that age-old proverb: “you gotta spend money to make money.” And so, while $11.5 trillion dollars is undoubtedly a sh*tload of money, the numbers are sure to continue rising while the national debt skids closer to that inevitable point at which most citizens start scratching their heads and wondering, ‘does this number actually mean anything or can we just keep not making money forever?’

In other news, today is the last day during which news articles will refer to Barack Obama as the ‘president-elect.’ Yay-yay! *terrorist fist bump*

Tags: Bush, Economy, Obama

Media Slays Palin, Palin Slays Turkeys. Fair Trade?

1/15/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Politics, US

Everyone’s favorite (?) veep candidate is back, and bigger than ever! In an apparent attempt to clean up the acne popping all over her good name, Sarah Palin has commanded a good deal of media attention in recent weeks, though her tenure as John McCain’s media-mocked running mate ended over two months ago.

In a recent interview with Esquire Magazine, the Alaskan governor lashed out at political bloggers, calling them “bored, anonymous, pathetic [liars].” The consensus is that Palin will make a bid for the republican presidential nomination in 2012, but party speculators are concerned that her grassroots following may not be as hearty as it was in late 2008 - meaning her chances are currently not so darn good.

Ryan D’Agostino, who gave the interview for Esquire, suggested that perhaps McCain’s campaign strategists did a little too much retooling on Palin’s image, thusly turning her into the backwoods Barbie doll we’ve come to know. And it would appear, based on her hardcore jabs at the campaign team, that Mrs. Palin strongly agrees “that they know you well enough to make all your decisions for ya [uh, sic].”

Well, Sarah, if you really aren’t like that—if the campaign painted you the wrong color—by all means, feel free to stand up and introduce yourself. I think Katie Couric wouldn’t mind taking another shot at you. How’s Russia looking, by the way?

Tags: Esquire, Media, Sarah Palin

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