Though major religions describe the human body as an empty vessel void of the entity that made it a person, many with the means called bullshit on that theory by having their remains cryogenically frozen so that future, smarter generations could reanimate them without any groggy, zombie side effects. Many people, including late baseball legend Ted Williams, entrusted the treatment of their corpses to Alcor, a company that can be identified as a scam upon examination of its business model. Alcor responded to this trust by getting the Splendid Splinter’s head stuck in a tuna can. (more…)
Archive for the ‘Science’ Category
Cryogenics Coldly Abusive, Says Former COO
10/02/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Health, ScienceGeo-Engineered Solutions Potentially Hold Potential
9/01/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Science
In the face of perils brought on by climate change, human thinking follows a digressive pattern: concern, solution, doubt, super-grandiose schemes, then back to concern, becoming slightly more intense and less hopeful with each cycle. After a period of attempting to reform our over-consumptive lifestyles, we’ve finally reached the valid realization that we just won’t go through with it. It’s time for something extravagant. (more…)
The Swines Hath Wings II
8/25/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, Science
OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid - or at least be cautious.
When life’s best case scenario is the fact that we’re all gonna die someday, it seems kinda pointless to pay attention to the worst case scenario, which is something along the lines of “we’re all going to die in the next three minutes!” Fortunately, the latter of those two scenarios usually only threatens to rear it’s ugly head in the form of nuclear warfare, alien invasion or anything that occurred in a film released during the summer blockbuster seasons of the mid to late 1990’s.
Today, however - after a viewing of the 1995 film Outbreak - the White House stoked doomsday fires as though a giant pig-shaped asteroid were hurtling towards Washington DC. The President’s Council of Advisors on Science and Technology has announced that 30,000 to 90,000 people could conceivably die of Swine Flu, more than doubling the yearly average of flu season fatalities. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and company are doing their damnedest to just kinda let us know that we could foreseeably end up in the hospital or even dead by years end…probably neither…but it’s totally a possibility.
So OneRiot readers, we remind you that if you’re feeling funny, be afraid or at least be cautious. And if you kinda feel sick, go to a doctor. In closing we’d like to thank the White House for transforming our state of blissful ignorance on matters of the inevitable into our current state of hypochondria. Maybe now we’ll feel motivated to get more done seeing as we might go at any moment.
Looking Out for Bill
8/18/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Science, US
It’s exhausting to keep up with all the players this hurricane season. There was Guillermo, Claudette, Sanjay, not to mention Prakatkiet, Alangatulakay, and Bubbaloo out on the Pacific. Well, fret not. The next scourge to slap the islands with 110 mph winds has a simple name: Bill. Correction, don’t fret unless you live somewhere in the Carribean. And if that is where you live, then you’ve had a pretty sweet life thus far. Time to give it up to nature. (more…)
Chevy Volt Breaks Gas-Electric Barrier
8/11/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science, US
Americans have put a man on the moon, sent a pothead to the Beijing to collect an ungodly amount of Olympic gold medals, and even briefly nurtured the careers of Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer - but by all accounts we’ve still had very little reason to collectively hold our heads up as a nation… until now.
Ladies and gentlemen, an automotive company from the United States has broken the 200 mpg fuel barrier - that’s 230 miles per gallon city to be exact - so suck on that German engineering and Japanese discipline. It was good ol’ fashion red, white, and blue elbow grease that built the new Chevy Volt. (more…)
Organic Food Not So Special, Says Study
7/30/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Health, Science
A crushing blow was dealt to the neo-hippie movement recently after a study by the British Food Standards Agency, examining food data over the last 50 years, concluded that the health value of organic food was neither greater nor significantly different from that of that which is considered non-organic. The announcement didn’t prompt the immediate shutdown of specialized grocery stores with monikers touting their earthiness, but nonetheless there are some immediate positive effects as a result of the report which has since been published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
The study severely hinders your favorite restaurant’s ability to overcharge you for “organic Cobb Salad,” and you’ll no longer have to deal with that uppity hippie friend whose moral and ethical superiority is inexplicably linked to the fact that they “only eat organic.” Thank you British Food Standards Agency, we owe you one.
Ed Note: As an uppity hippy myself, I’m compelled to point out that even if the positive effects of organic food on the human body are negligible, the positive effects on the earth (and global warming) are not.
Nerds Caravan to a Whales Va- Uhm, San Diego
7/22/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Gossip, Science
They come in droves, leaving their natural habitats of parents’ basements, GameStops, and computer dens everywhere to make a Frodo Baggins-like epic trek to the mystical land of San Diego. Super villians, Twilighters, Trekies, Jedis, and a couple of Sailor Mooners, all geared and ready to attend 2009’s International Comic-Con, running July 23rd-26 at the San Diego Convention Center (with a sneak preview opening tonight). Autographs will be signed, action figures will be traded, Battle Star Galactica will be discussed, and maybe even a few new romances will be born at this epic yearly meetup. (more…)
Aussies Discover New Scar on Jupiter
7/21/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science
The crew of the Endeavor may actually be up in space doing space-y things, but it wasn’t an astronaut or even NASA that made this week’s big celestial discovery. While they were out screwing docks together, eating space ice cream and unclogging space toilets or whatever it is they do up there; A computer programmer and amateur astronomer from the land down under found an impact zone the size of Earth on the surface of Jupiter while stargazing with a 14.5-inch reflecting telescope from the confines of his backyard. In other words, people in space didn’t notice the planet-sized thing plowing into another planet, but the guy on his lawn did.
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Mooniversary Celebrations Boost Image Quality, Suspicions
7/20/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science
It was 40 years ago today that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin took “one small step for man” and “one giant leap for mankind” in the Sea of Tranquility - or, depending on what you believe, the Nevada Desert.
On July 20, 1969 Neil and Buzz cavorted on the moon hitting golf balls and planting American flags while Michael Collins sadly admired from the window of Apollo 11 (a.k.a stage left). The moment marked a crucial period in the space race as the Americans no longer had a case of “rocket envy” when it came to the Russians floating around in the wild yonder of a nothingness vacuum. In celebration of the 40th anniversary of this historic event, NASA has been suspiciously pulling out all of the stops lately to convince the skeptics around the world that, hey, this really did happen!
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Migaloo: Just Another Whale-Shaped Angel
7/02/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Science
Keep clear of the white whale! Australian booze-cruisers came across one of the country’s most sought-after natural treasures—a white humpback whale commonly referred to as Migaloo—after a long period during which many believed was no longer living. Thanks to its resurgence, booze-cruisers henceforth will be required to maintain a wide berth—500 meters, to be exact—from the fabled creature.
Migaloo’s history is well documented in Australia as well as on the internet; the baleen-eating albino beast, whose name means ‘white fella,’ was first spotted in 1991. It’s discovery has sparked a couple of unofficial fan sites online, and an anti-whale hunting coalition.
In a related story, Captain Ahab is f*cking pissed.
Buddy Up