Search the realtime web - the news, stories and videos people are talking about right now.

Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Shaq Traded Before He Hears Dat

6/25/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports

picture-1109

In the before time people used to find out all of their vital information via phone calls, subpoenas, or beautifully written and subsequently narrated letters from their significant other in Charleston, South Carolina during times of Civil War. Today, however, we have Twitter, which much like text messaging asserts the pressure to get one’s point across in a finite amount of characters. Yesterday brought such an occasion, when NBA Superstar and certifiable Twitterlebrity @THE_REAL_SHAQ got traded to @cavs.

ESPN had like a 8 min piece on it said its a DONE DEAL you a Cavalier but aint beliving it till the BIG @THE_REAL_SHAQ SINGS.

It seems @THE_REAL_SHAQ was not aware of said transaction until @allonso notified the aging big man, telling him “ESPN had like a 8 min piece on it said its a DONE DEAL you a Cavalier but aint beliving it till the BIG @THE_REAL_SHAQ SINGS.” Shaq responded by tweeting @allonso, “I didn’t hear dat yet.” But indeed the Big Cactus would have to be changing his tune and his nickname as he would find out moments later. Perhaps getting the biggest kick out the whole situation was @DJJTR3Y who twote at the diesel “U CLEVELAND BOUND…shaq found out he was traded thru twitter! lmao….hahahaaaaaa.” Shaq confirmed @DJJTR3Y’s Twitspicions with an “I kno right” over the micro-blogging service. It was quite the to do and now we all feel dumber for having followed it. Oh well, so much for the delicate beauty of the English language.

Enjoy It My Man Enjoy It

6/15/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Sports

Kobe Bryant earned himself another notch in his belt last night as the LA Lakers beat the Orlando Magic 99-86 in Game 5 of the NBA Finals. The dashing superstar forced his way into the narrow scoring lane—sometimes from behind—numerous times throughout the contest, running circles around Magic players as if they were helpless groupies. Kobe played rough, assaulting the basket all night long and amassing 30 points.

Last night’s victory secured Bryant’s fourth title, but only his first since the days of double-teaming opponents alongside Shaquille O’Neal.

(more…)

Fantasy Sports Face Real NFL Drama

6/04/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports

picture-725

Over the last 30 years Fantasy sports have transformed from a few nerds in a bar obsessing over stats to a billion dollar business. Today, aforementioned nerds can complete the same task from the privacy of their own darkened basements, basking in the warm glow of constantly emanating computer statistics. While it’s those statistics that earn many an allegiance-less, money hungry sports gambling fanatic a pretty penny come the end of their chosen season, there is one group that hasn’t seen any profit from the heaps of exchanged coinage thrust upon fantasy hosting sites: the players.

(more…)

Iron Nun Puts the Tri- in Trinity

5/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports, US

While men and women of the cloth usually bolster hope and faith in the members of the communities they serve, one nun is taking the fun out of sports for triathletes all over America. Sister Madonna Buder, a 78-year-old nun with more than half a century of experience serving the Lord, is a sporting menace. Realizing her skill for running and subsequently biking and swimming at the age of 52, Sister Buder has been dominating triathlons for 20 plus years.

Though young non-athletes find her drive inspiring, her competitors see things differently. “She’s ruining it for all us young guys” said Brent Lancewood, a three time Ironman champion who lost the last three races to the tenacious sister. “I shudder before every race against her. She’s a damn beast.” Many of the athletes complain that Sister Buder is ungracious in her competitive nature. Several have come forward with allegations of extreme hazing. “She hit me with a ruler one time” said an anonymous cyclist.

For now, there appears to be no end in sight to Sister Buder’s commanding stamina. No official dares reprimand her and none of her competitors have what it takes in the game - it’s almost like she has God on her side. Angels at her back. “Insert supportive religious cliche here.”

Stripper Spills on Phelps’ Threesomes

5/11/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports, US

Just when you thought Michael Phelps’ 15-minutes might be up, the bong-slurping swim legend splashed back onto the scene today, proving he just may have long-term staying power. Three whole hours of it.

As it turns out, the champion swimmer is just as capable of breaking records in the bedroom as he is in the 200 meter butterfly. A Baltimore area exotic dancer, speaking with Britain’s ‘News of The World,’ shared details of a booze-fueled three-hour long threesome between herself, Phelps and a fellow dancer.

In addition to sharing juicy details of their sexual romp, Theresa White tattled about some of the 14-time Olympic gold medalists less flattering habits, such as his propensities for crying, enjoying the chewing tobacco, and doing his pre-lovemaking wining and dining at Taco Bell. She also claimed that the human fish has a bevy of five or six women on call that he likes to get slippery with on occasion. As much as we’re compelled to judge Mr. Phelps for his promiscuous habits, we’re more inclined to say, atta boy, Mikey!

Madden Hails a Sunset Cruiser

4/16/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports, US

An era of American sports came to an end today as John Madden announced the riding of his Maddencruiser off into the sunset. The beefy broadcast legend was last seen spouting cliches culled from his video game, and endlessly praising Brett Favre during NBC’s broadcast of Super Bowl XLIII.

Without Madden’s voice filling the airwaves on Sunday and Monday nights, football fans will be left with an empty void - the one where that 6-legged Thanksgiving turkey and burly voice telling us when it “pays to have a lot of big meaty guys on the goal line” used to live. Two questions remain: who will provide the color and onomatopoeic telestrator flourishes for Al Michaels now, and what will become of Frank Caliendo’s career?

The Barkley Beatdown, Prison Edition

3/09/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports

Charles Barkley, everyone’s favorite angry ex-baller/TNT analyst, completed a grueling mandatory sentence of 72 hours (that’s three whole days) in Tent City jail for a DUI charge he picked up just being his lovable self this past December. Barkley was spared the humiliation of wearing a prison uniform, which consists of an orange jumpsuit and some pink underpants just to remind inmates that they are all equally bitches.

The Hall of Famer was kept in a private area for his own safety and meals were brought to him. The only assaults he experienced were those of harsh words from inmates within shouting range, consisting mainly of fans from his hey day with the Suns, and murderous criminals expressing their rage. Barkley managed to complete his sentence with only slight fatigue and a few hurt feelings.

Barkley expressed that he realized he had done wrong, and just needed to face the consequences for his actions, or as he put it “take the beatdown.” Luckily for him, his ‘beatdown’ was short, painless, and experienced entirely in a velour track suit.

Chelsea Sacks Manager

2/09/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Sports

…And this picture makes us hurt inside.

This Week’s Top 10 Hot Topics

1/30/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Gossip, Industry, OneRiot News, Politics, Sports, US

1. GOOGLE KILLS BAMBI

A Google Maps car sacked a baby deer while mapping Five Points Road in Rush, NY, and until very recently, you could watch the whole thing (you know, if you were into that). The footage has since been removed, but the pictures remain - and if you listen closely to them, you can hear the poor, dying thing whisper, “Don’t Be Eeevil!!!”

2. SWAT TEAM TAKES DOWN PS3 GAMERS

A Danish swat team busted in on two PS3 players after their neighbors (and the authorities) took the gory gaming sounds seriously. In other words, Copenhagen successfully created an Escher drawing… irl. Yeah Denmark!

3. STIMULATE U.S.

The House gave the go-ahead on an $819 billion dollar stimulus bill, causing more than one of us to raise our pinky to our lips and cackle. Make it rain, Obama, make it rain.

4. RICHARD… WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF?

The world’s best complaint letter gave us more chances to say, “that’s what she said” than the second episode of Tila Tequila (except it was even more fun, because you got to say it with an accent).

5. BOYS (1), GIRLS (1)
To the overdue joy of women everywhere, Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, taking the guesswork out of equal compensation (where ‘guesswork’ meant, ‘if your boss felt like it’). That’s right girls - you’re officially worth it.

6. TED HAGGARD BATS AGAIN
Religious outcast Ted Haggard was slowing creeping back after a nasty hard drugs and man-on-man situation, but new allegations of even more ‘ungodliness’ have created another dirty closet to clean up. Or -cough- come out of.

7. JESSICA SIMPSON MOMS OUT & BOOTYS UP
Jessica debuted some more soulful curves in some mommy pants recently, and the reactions to her fuller figure have been mixed. OneRiot users feel great about the extra cushion - but whoever put her in that outfit should be spanked with a belt. Maybe even all three of them.

8. IRANIAN WOMEN BANNED FROM WATCHING SOCCER

While Obama was locking down more equality in the US, Iran locked out its feminine population from a national pastime. Where God opens a door he closes a… wait, that’s not it.

9. BLOODY MONDAY: THE JOB SLAYINGS CONTINUE

Caterpillar, Home Depot, Boeing - it’s a bloodbath out there, and the perks of the stimulus plan won’t be felt for a long time yet. Hang in there, ‘Merica.

10. 25 YEARS OF APPLE

Though middle-schoolers tend to think otherwise, Apple did exist before the iPod. Now, one hammer, millions of iPhones, and plenty of blase middle years in between, the company is celebrating its 25th birthday. Free MacBooks for everyone!

Partnership

Recent Comments

  • Dada July 3, 2009 9:25 pm I’m very interested in this kind of themed-movies. I absolutely love Tim...
  • David July 3, 2009 4:17 pm children are the most important things in our lives, we have to sacrifice everything for...
  • Jennifer Hodges July 1, 2009 4:40 pm Jayson- what exactly is “adventure music”???
  • Harrry July 1, 2009 1:11 pm IF YOUR HOMETOWN BECAME THE TARGET FOR AN APPROACHING NUCLEAR MISSILE,You would most...
  • Evan Kessler June 30, 2009 8:37 am My little nod to Prince.

Gossip

  • Movie Mays (in Days)

    7/02/09

    Hollywood moves fast. Real fast. And if you’ve had even a pinch of fame during your lifespan, chances are a motion picture production company will be in the works to produce your biopic before you’ve even been buried. So goes the tale of Billy Mays, the pitchman most recognized for his husky/on the verge of [...]

    read more…

  • Charts Afire // MJ Memory Fest Proves Pop’s in the Grave

    7/01/09

    Pop musicians got a shock this week when a man who changed the face of their field not only prematurely kicked the bucket, but gave them one final schooling from beyond the grave. Michael Jackson’s music is tearing up the charts and, with much poetic justice, bumping out contemporary pop stars like the Black Eyed [...]

    read more…

  • Rick Astley is NEVER Gonna Run Around and Desert You

    6/30/09

    In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.
    Being the astute followers of pop [...]

    read more…

  • Pabst: Not Just a Great Beer

    6/30/09

    Forget about purebred pups with pedigrees–This weekend’s top dogshow was all about honoring those canines with mugs that only an owner can love. With gnarly coats, stumpy tails, missing eyes, and scraggly teeth, dogs came from all over the globe to win the coveted title of the World’s Ugliest Dog.

    read more…

  • Fate Agrees: Never Stage a Kodak Moment

    6/29/09

    11-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags. It seemed all was well [...]

    read more…

Updates

Partnership

Stuff We’re Watching

  • http://www.vimeo.com/3183877
  • http://www.vimeo.com/4859491
  • http://www.vimeo.com/5177243

Tweet Tweet

    more tweets
     

    You need to log in to vote

    The blog owner requires users to be logged in to be able to vote for this post.

    Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.

    Powered by Vote It Up