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Iron Nun Puts the Tri- in Trinity

5/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports, US

While men and women of the cloth usually bolster hope and faith in the members of the communities they serve, one nun is taking the fun out of sports for triathletes all over America. Sister Madonna Buder, a 78-year-old nun with more than half a century of experience serving the Lord, is a sporting menace. Realizing her skill for running and subsequently biking and swimming at the age of 52, Sister Buder has been dominating triathlons for 20 plus years.

Though young non-athletes find her drive inspiring, her competitors see things differently. “She’s ruining it for all us young guys” said Brent Lancewood, a three time Ironman champion who lost the last three races to the tenacious sister. “I shudder before every race against her. She’s a damn beast.” Many of the athletes complain that Sister Buder is ungracious in her competitive nature. Several have come forward with allegations of extreme hazing. “She hit me with a ruler one time” said an anonymous cyclist.

For now, there appears to be no end in sight to Sister Buder’s commanding stamina. No official dares reprimand her and none of her competitors have what it takes in the game - it’s almost like she has God on her side. Angels at her back. “Insert supportive religious cliche here.”

Tags: Iron Nun, Sports

Stripper Spills on Phelps’ Threesomes

5/11/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports, US

Just when you thought Michael Phelps’ 15-minutes might be up, the bong-slurping swim legend splashed back onto the scene today, proving he just may have long-term staying power. Three whole hours of it.

As it turns out, the champion swimmer is just as capable of breaking records in the bedroom as he is in the 200 meter butterfly. A Baltimore area exotic dancer, speaking with Britain’s ‘News of The World,’ shared details of a booze-fueled three-hour long threesome between herself, Phelps and a fellow dancer.

In addition to sharing juicy details of their sexual romp, Theresa White tattled about some of the 14-time Olympic gold medalists less flattering habits, such as his propensities for crying, enjoying the chewing tobacco, and doing his pre-lovemaking wining and dining at Taco Bell. She also claimed that the human fish has a bevy of five or six women on call that he likes to get slippery with on occasion. As much as we’re compelled to judge Mr. Phelps for his promiscuous habits, we’re more inclined to say, atta boy, Mikey!

The De-Glamourization of Football

4/24/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Because We Feel Like it, Sports

All over the world, sad old men are chomping at the bit for a chance to relive their only glory days on the gridiron. And now, for some reason, God has smiled upon a few of them and made it so. Someone decided it was a good idea to have a bunch of out-of-shape meatheads duke it out to settle the score of a 1993 football game between rivals Phillipsburg High School and Easton Area High School - and perhaps more depressingly, 10,000 fans voiced their concurrence by snatching up every last ticket to the game in under 90 minutes.

The event, orchestrated by Gatorade, will take place this Sunday at Fisher Stadium in Easton, Pennsylvania. Rumor has it Uncle Rico will be starting at quarterback for Phillipsburg. Maybe this time he can finally take state.

Tags: Football, Oh Noez

Madden Hails a Sunset Cruiser

4/16/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Sports, US

An era of American sports came to an end today as John Madden announced the riding of his Maddencruiser off into the sunset. The beefy broadcast legend was last seen spouting cliches culled from his video game, and endlessly praising Brett Favre during NBC’s broadcast of Super Bowl XLIII.

Without Madden’s voice filling the airwaves on Sunday and Monday nights, football fans will be left with an empty void - the one where that 6-legged Thanksgiving turkey and burly voice telling us when it “pays to have a lot of big meaty guys on the goal line” used to live. Two questions remain: who will provide the color and onomatopoeic telestrator flourishes for Al Michaels now, and what will become of Frank Caliendo’s career?

Tags: Minor Celebrities, Sports

The Barkley Beatdown, Prison Edition

3/09/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports

Charles Barkley, everyone’s favorite angry ex-baller/TNT analyst, completed a grueling mandatory sentence of 72 hours (that’s three whole days) in Tent City jail for a DUI charge he picked up just being his lovable self this past December. Barkley was spared the humiliation of wearing a prison uniform, which consists of an orange jumpsuit and some pink underpants just to remind inmates that they are all equally bitches.

The Hall of Famer was kept in a private area for his own safety and meals were brought to him. The only assaults he experienced were those of harsh words from inmates within shouting range, consisting mainly of fans from his hey day with the Suns, and murderous criminals expressing their rage. Barkley managed to complete his sentence with only slight fatigue and a few hurt feelings.

Barkley expressed that he realized he had done wrong, and just needed to face the consequences for his actions, or as he put it “take the beatdown.” Luckily for him, his ‘beatdown’ was short, painless, and experienced entirely in a velour track suit.

Tags: King Charles, Prison

Chelsea Sacks Manager

2/09/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Sports

…And this picture makes us hurt inside.

Tags: Chelsea, Scolari, Soccer

This Week’s Top 10 Hot Topics

1/30/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Gossip, Industry, OneRiot News, Politics, Sports, US

1. GOOGLE KILLS BAMBI

A Google Maps car sacked a baby deer while mapping Five Points Road in Rush, NY, and until very recently, you could watch the whole thing (you know, if you were into that). The footage has since been removed, but the pictures remain - and if you listen closely to them, you can hear the poor, dying thing whisper, “Don’t Be Eeevil!!!”

2. SWAT TEAM TAKES DOWN PS3 GAMERS

A Danish swat team busted in on two PS3 players after their neighbors (and the authorities) took the gory gaming sounds seriously. In other words, Copenhagen successfully created an Escher drawing… irl. Yeah Denmark!

3. STIMULATE U.S.

The House gave the go-ahead on an $819 billion dollar stimulus bill, causing more than one of us to raise our pinky to our lips and cackle. Make it rain, Obama, make it rain.

4. RICHARD… WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF?

The world’s best complaint letter gave us more chances to say, “that’s what she said” than the second episode of Tila Tequila (except it was even more fun, because you got to say it with an accent).

5. BOYS (1), GIRLS (1)
To the overdue joy of women everywhere, Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, taking the guesswork out of equal compensation (where ‘guesswork’ meant, ‘if your boss felt like it’). That’s right girls - you’re officially worth it.

6. TED HAGGARD BATS AGAIN
Religious outcast Ted Haggard was slowing creeping back after a nasty hard drugs and man-on-man situation, but new allegations of even more ‘ungodliness’ have created another dirty closet to clean up. Or -cough- come out of.

7. JESSICA SIMPSON MOMS OUT & BOOTYS UP
Jessica debuted some more soulful curves in some mommy pants recently, and the reactions to her fuller figure have been mixed. OneRiot users feel great about the extra cushion - but whoever put her in that outfit should be spanked with a belt. Maybe even all three of them.

8. IRANIAN WOMEN BANNED FROM WATCHING SOCCER

While Obama was locking down more equality in the US, Iran locked out its feminine population from a national pastime. Where God opens a door he closes a… wait, that’s not it.

9. BLOODY MONDAY: THE JOB SLAYINGS CONTINUE

Caterpillar, Home Depot, Boeing - it’s a bloodbath out there, and the perks of the stimulus plan won’t be felt for a long time yet. Hang in there, ‘Merica.

10. 25 YEARS OF APPLE

Though middle-schoolers tend to think otherwise, Apple did exist before the iPod. Now, one hammer, millions of iPhones, and plenty of blase middle years in between, the company is celebrating its 25th birthday. Free MacBooks for everyone!

Tags: Hot Topics, OneRiot

Broncos Nab Young Gun Josh McDaniels

1/12/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Sports

Mile High City residents either rejoiced or repented their fate Sunday as the Denver Broncos announced Josh McDaniels as its new top staffer. McDaniels hails from New England where he earned serious cred as the ringleader for Tom Brady’s—and then Matt Cassel’s—high-octane offense. The hire comes just days after owner Pat Bowlen’s firing of longtime Broncos head coach (and Denver staple) Mike Shanahan, a 14-year presence with a winning record and back-to-back Super Bowls in 1998 and 1999.

McDaniels spent his first eight years in the NFL with the Patriots, starting as a personnel assistant and working his way to the top as prettyboy Tom Brady and his dominant offense came to power in the AFC, winning a couple of Super Bowls early in the decade. Now, he’ll be the youngest coach ever to take over the Broncos organization—a team that’s put up big offensive numbers but narrowly missed the playoffs each of the past three years—at 32 years of age. McDaniels beat out six other potential candidates for the coveted coaching job, including the New York Giants’ preeminent defensive specialist Steve Spagnuolo.

Coach McDaniels will leave one prolific offense for another; Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler is one of the league’s best passers and a rising star along with wide receivers Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal.

Tags: Broncos, Denver, Football

Dwayne Wade Gives Good Presents

12/27/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under Sports, US

Dwayne Wade, Miami Heat Guard and NBA MVP frontrunner is really, really good-looking (so say the ladies). Apparently, he’s also a really, really nice guy. D-Wade just handed the keys to a brand new house over to Dawn Smith, a South Florida woman whose house burned to ground only days before Christmas. All her possessions were inside.

Wade not only hooked Dawn up with a new place, but threw in some furnishings, clothing and gifts too… all to make an otherwise bummer of a Christmas that much better. Wade’s foundation - Wade’s World - will make the payments on the house until Dawn can take over, or until it gets foreclosed.

“[The house is] a big-time relief,” Smith said, beside herself. “Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Oh, God, thank you so much.” Apparently, in her rush to thank God, she forgot the guy who actually bought it, and gave it to her. The hot-bodied baller-turned sweetie didn’t seem fazed though. “Hopefully, you’ll like it,” he said.

Tags: Basketball, Dwayne Wade, Sports

Lance Armstrong is a Babymaking Machine

12/24/08 - Posted by Brian Burns under Sports, US

It’s a fact: Lance Armstrong can’t be stopped. Not on the slopes of the Alps or the Pyrenees, where he’s won seven Tour De France titles. And not in the bedroom, either, as fresh reports say that he is expecting another child - this one with girlfriend Anna Hanson - despite being the owner of just one testicle (a product of kicking testicular and lung cancer to the curb in 1995).

Lance had three children with his former wife, Kristin, using in vitro fertilization with sperm he had banked before his chemotherapy. We can only assume the same is the case here. A fact, of course, that has reignited Armstrong’s feud with French cycling authorities, who have always maintained that he used “artificial” performance enhancing drugs.

Lance, one of the worlds biggest crossover celebrities and a shameless spotlight seeker, had this to say about the news: “Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful. We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts. We appreciate you respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

Here at OneRiot, we can only wish Lance the best with both his new kid and return to bike racing in 2009. You’ve gotta tip your hat, whether you like him or not, to someone that unstoppable. He’s like a machine.

Tags: Cycling, Lance Armstrong

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