US | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Philadelphia Might Hate Dogs

8/14/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Sports, US

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Just when it seemed that no self-respecting NFL team was ready to take a chance on famously crestfallen super-athlete Michael Vick, the sporting world’s collective ratings heads sighed a breath of anxious relief: Philadelphia has come calling.

The former dog-fight organizer, fresh off a year in prison, will now call himself an Philadelphian. And while hive-minded animal lovers of the world may have a bone to pick with the Eagles organization for taking a chance on a convicted felon, it wouldn’t be the first time a team has done so:

+ Ray Lewis was tried for murder earlier in the decade and continues to play
+ Jamal Lewis has been convicted of drug trafficking, and also continues to play.
+ Donte Stallworth was convicted of DUI Manslaughter earlier this year (he has been suspended for the upcoming season and served less than five days of jail time).
+ Christian Peter was arrested twice for rape in college and went on to play for three different NFL teams.

So while this news of Michael Vick (who did nothing to people, only dogs) being reinstated in the league is hot today, chances are it will be all but forgotten by the time his new contract expires.

Balls Fly at the Soc Media-Savvy 2009 PGA Championship

8/13/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Sports, US

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So, today is the first day of the 2009 PGA Tour Championship. This year’s tournament takes place in Chaska, Minnesota, and even though only a handful of rich patrons will actually be in attendance, the PGA has come through with a far-reaching live stream of the event complete with social media discussions on Facebook, Twitter and MySpace. (more…)

Chevy Volt Breaks Gas-Electric Barrier

8/11/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science, US

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Americans have put a man on the moon, sent a pothead to the Beijing to collect an ungodly amount of Olympic gold medals, and even briefly nurtured the careers of Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer - but by all accounts we’ve still had very little reason to collectively hold our heads up as a nation… until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, an automotive company from the United States has broken the 200 mpg fuel barrier - that’s 230 miles per gallon city to be exact - so suck on that German engineering and Japanese discipline. It was good ol’ fashion red, white, and blue elbow grease that built the new Chevy Volt. (more…)

Zip Codes Lack Zip In Face of Technology

8/09/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

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Neighborhood mutts may have to get acquainted with a new combo of fabric and leg meat now that the US Postal Service is considering closing (or scaling down to 700 locations). Our nation’s mail carrier has fallen on hard times, as people are snailing letters less and less. Instead, it seems they are relying on a new technology called “E-mail” - which doesn’t require inexplicably affixing photos of Bighorn Sheep or American Flags to the corner of an envelope at additional cost. That being said, many Americans will be forced to walk or drive an extra mile (through six feet of snow no less) to find a new local mail center for which to request return receipts and send little cousin Billy his birthday chemistry set and/or model rocketship. The real question remains…what will become of our zip codes?

Legendary John Hughes Takes Final Bow

8/06/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Life & Culture, US

Cue the Oingo Boingo: legendary Hollywood director John Hughes died today at the age of 59. Hughes was visiting his family in New York and, while on a walk, suffered a heart attack.

Hughes was a vanguard for film in the 1980s, creating masterpieces like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, The Breakfast Club and Planes, Trains & Automobiles. He’s responsible for assembling the Brat Pack, his films jumpstarted the careers of Demi Moore, Emilio Estevez, Matthew Broderick and Robert Downey Jr., and his work will be forever etched into the American cultural zeitgeist.

John leaves behind a legacy that few others will ever achieve. He made a lot of people smile.

Texas Arrest Lacks ‘Lift Up and Look Under’

8/06/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US

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Criminals are vile. But not like this…ugh…not like this. 25 year old Michael Vera is a Texan who equals about four regular Texans. The 600 pound man was apprehended by police after committing undisclosed crimes. Although he had managed to conceal himself by hiding behind a trash dumpster, police at the scene located him by following the sound of his breathing, a struggling drone that could be heard from at lease a block away.

Vera was booked at the local precinct and managed to make it through three levels of security with a 9mm and two clips concealed on his person. His secret hiding place? Between the rolls on his own big, big self. Houston police officials acknowledged the blunder, citing that mistakes were made when standard procedure to search obese persons was not correctly implemented by officers. A representative of the policeman’s union gave this horrifying quote that’s bound to diminish recruitment for years to come:

“We teach officers to lift up and look under. The officer may not have arrested anyone this big before.”

Bill Clinton’s Noth Korean Mission Surprisingly… Amicable

8/04/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs, Politics, US

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As much as dictator/supervillain Kim Jong Il hates surprises, he was ecstatic Tuesday to receive an his old friend, former US president Bill Clinton on an unexpected visit. North Korean officials greeted Clinton with jovial handshakes and flowers delivered by one of the isolated nation’s few non-starving children who wasn’t occupied by preparations for Arirang.

The two world figures with oh so disparate Q ratings reportedly discussed a wide range of topics, including the two American reporters currently being held in North Korea, the lack of effect of global economic downturn on a completely isolated nation that was already suffering, and who would die next on True Blood. Sensitive subjects such as the soaring price of kim chi were left off the table, an omission arising from diplomatic intent on the part of Clinton. (more…)

Lawmakers Consider Ban on Driving While Texting

7/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

After reading a study stating that “when drivers of heavy trucks texted, their collision risk was 23 times greater than when not texting,” Captain Obvious was able to infer an even larger hypothesis that texting while driving is just generally a bad idea.

In these chaotic times, human beings continually find themselves at the mercy of societal behaviors that wreak havoc on the ability to manifest our own special brand of common sense. Luckily, when our inability to reason is thwarted by the temptation of dangling carrots such as our impulse to “bring the blow dryer into the shower” or “type that really funny text message to our friends whilst driving 90mph through a school zone” there is a brave superhero who uses his gallant rationale for good by transferring it to those who need it - and his name is Captain Obvious. (more…)

Shatner Remixes Palin Farewell Speech

7/28/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Life & Culture, Politics, US

UPDATE: YouTube had to pull this video because of copyright issues, but you can find it on Hulu here!

In our mind Sarah Palin never gave a farewell speech, but William Shatner did recite a beautiful poem.

In every era there is a man for all times. A man whose artistry, integrity, and way with the spoken word mesmerizes those who he comes into contact with. For this time, right here, right now, that man is none other than Captain James Tiberius Kirk, himself…Mr. William Shatner.

Last night on the The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, the Septagenarian starfleet commander helped make sense of what we referred to yesterday as a “rambling, incoherent speech” by former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. What had once been an aimless collection of meandering thoughts when first uttered by their original speaker were suddenly transformed into a flourishing garden of ideas and expression as Mr. Shatner made them his own, forever. In our mind Sarah Palin never gave a farewell speech, but William Shatner did recite a beautiful poem.

Palin Officially Bows Out

7/27/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

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Fans of the Political process from sea to shining sea got a big boost of confidence Sunday when Sarah Palin formally stepped down as Alaska Governor. In traditional Gubernatorial fashion the former head of the Alaskan state showed she was one of the greats by accepting no responsibility for any of the misfortune and scandal that befell during her abbreviated reign as its supreme leader, most notably the negative attention she and her family garnered as John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 Presidential election. In one of her trademark rambling, incoherent speeches, Palin railed against obvious foes such as “the media” who so infamously engaged in their “gotcha journalism” when Palin repeatedly made it obvious that she knew precious few details about government while being asked simple questions that most people hoping to run the country should be able to answer. (more…)

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