Criminals are vile. But not like this…ugh…not like this. 25 year old Michael Vera is a Texan who equals about four regular Texans. The 600 pound man was apprehended by police after committing undisclosed crimes. Although he had managed to conceal himself by hiding behind a trash dumpster, police at the scene located him by following the sound of his breathing, a struggling drone that could be heard from at lease a block away.
Vera was booked at the local precinct and managed to make it through three levels of security with a 9mm and two clips concealed on his person. His secret hiding place? Between the rolls on his own big, big self. Houston police officials acknowledged the blunder, citing that mistakes were made when standard procedure to search obese persons was not correctly implemented by officers. A representative of the policeman’s union gave this horrifying quote that’s bound to diminish recruitment for years to come:
“We teach officers to lift up and look under. The officer may not have arrested anyone this big before.”
There’s nothing funny about a wanted sex offender at large. There’s something triumphant about 
First the Sears Tower magically morphs into the “Willis Tower” and now this! On the heels of yesterday’s renaming frenzy, another recognizable landmark has caught “we’re actually not called that anymore” fever. This time it’s not a majestically stoic member of a Chicago skyline, rather the Seattle storefront that helps many local residents get their caffeine fix every morning, afternoon, and night - 
Chicagoans got a rude awakening today when they looked at their skyline and saw no Sears Tower. It had not fallen victim to a heinous terrorist attack, nor had it collapsed due to structural inadequacies. Overnight the tower was dismantled, and in it’s place the next morning stood an - ahem- identical looking building. Admittedly, most area inhabitants didn’t notice the difference from merely sighting the building, but once they heard someone call it the “
Buddy Up