There’s nothing funny about a wanted sex offender at large. There’s something triumphant about catching him though. And there’s plenty of funnies to be made once he’s sentenced. It’s like that Sublime song, ‘Date Rape’. Or that movie, Spaceballs. Obscure references aside, we can exhale a sigh of relief, because top ten most wanted child molester Edward Harper has been apprehended by the Feds and is currently being brought to justice. (more…)
Archive for the ‘US’ Category
Feds Nab a “Most Wanted”
7/24/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under USCongress to Probe CIA
7/18/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US
There’s a handful of things you can do that guarantee a congressional probe: apply for a job as a supreme court justice; have an extra marital affair and fail to hide it; or deploy teams of trained killers to the middle east and not tell anyone about it.
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Seattle Starbucks De-Starbucks, Go Indie
7/17/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Life & Culture, US
First the Sears Tower magically morphs into the “Willis Tower” and now this! On the heels of yesterday’s renaming frenzy, another recognizable landmark has caught “we’re actually not called that anymore” fever. This time it’s not a majestically stoic member of a Chicago skyline, rather the Seattle storefront that helps many local residents get their caffeine fix every morning, afternoon, and night - Starbucks.
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Chicago Annoyed Over American Landmark’s Foreign Renaming
7/16/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Life & Culture, US
Chicagoans got a rude awakening today when they looked at their skyline and saw no Sears Tower. It had not fallen victim to a heinous terrorist attack, nor had it collapsed due to structural inadequacies. Overnight the tower was dismantled, and in it’s place the next morning stood an - ahem- identical looking building. Admittedly, most area inhabitants didn’t notice the difference from merely sighting the building, but once they heard someone call it the “Willis Tower,” they became enraged.
In response to their seething rage, opponents of the new name protested the only way they knew how, by starting a Facebook group 90,000 strong against the building’s new main tenant: A London, England-based insurance broker. One riled up opponent protested calling the name change “absurd,” begging the question, “Would Paris change the name of the Eiffel Tower? Or London change Buckingham Palace? Or New York, the Statue of Liberty?” Said commenter failed to realize that none of those examples acquired their monikers by being the host to capitalist interests - as the Sears Tower had previously been mainly inhabited by the Sears & Roebuck Co. (though they obviously seemed none too concerned about their legacy in 1992, when they moved operations to the burbs). (more…)
The Levi Johnston Show
7/10/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip, US
Live from Anchorage, Alaska, It’s the Levi Johnston show, the only show where everybody’s favorite oil field employee, Baby Daddy and beloved host talks about anything and everything Sarah Palin related, because no one really wants his opinion on anything else. This week Levi extends his 15 minutes of fame by giving his thoughts on the reason for the foxy Alaska governor’s resignation. Watch the high jinks ensue as Levi claims SP was in it for the money.
Levi: “She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say ‘forget everything else.’”
If that doesn’t keep your eyes glued to the screen, watch the sparks fly as Palin family spokesperson Meghan Stapleton fires a few barbs in Levi’s general direction:
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World Stops for MJ Kiss Off
7/07/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip, US
The world is at a standstill - and Los Angeles is it’s epicenter - as close to a billion people worldwide have stopped in their tracks, glued themselves to their television sets (or to chairs at the Staples Center) to remember one of the great artists of all time. Such a momentous occasion is this celebration of Michael Jackson, The King of Pop that even MTV has got in on the act, putting a halt to it’s regularly scheduled drunk-and-doing it teenager programming to join more respectable entertainment outlets. News coverage has been vigilant to say the least, following everything, via helicopter, from the private service at Forest Lawn Cemetery to an OJ-style aerial shot of the hearse transporting the body of MJ to the event.
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Bye Bye Billy
6/30/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under USThe world was left with an emotional stain even Oxy-clean couldn’t remove Sunday as announcements hit the trending topics confirming that legendary pitch man Billy Mays had died in his Florida home. The infomercial vanguard was best known for his work hawking cleaning supplies on late-night TV, and had recently completed some hilariously self-deprecating work for ESPN.
North Korea Threatens Missile Launch
6/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs, US
North Korea has threatened to wipe the US clean off the world map.
Atlas publishers and cartographers alike have begun readying their erasers, as earlier today North Korea threatened to wipe the US clean off the world map. Kim Jong Il and company placed the portentous writing on the cautionary chalkboard after accusing the United States of trying to provoke Korean War 2 (not to be confused with KW2, Tight End for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) by following a North Korean vessel on a less than routine delivery of “illicit” weapons to the also suspect nation of Myanmar.
Hiking the Appalachian Trail, Pffftt
6/24/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US
As much as his public might not like it, sometimes a governer has just has to do things that the people won’t understand. Mark Sanford thought the people of South Carolina were familiar with his unusual temperment, which is why he was surprised at the outcry over his unexplained and sudden absence. He apparently took off, leaving his staff to fend for themselves when it came to the press’s persistence in inquiring: Where’s the governor? Scrambling for an answer, they narrowed fake excuses down to ‘hiking the Appalachian Trail’ and ‘gunning down Mexican druglords in the Yucatan.’ They went with the former.
PETA’s Presidential Pet Peeve
6/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US
PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause and for the civil practice of symbolically throwing blood red paint on people wearing fur, has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom of Animalia: President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama. The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life a common housefly whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview. As a result of Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less vicious device for ridding pests from the President’s sphere of personal space, a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.
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