The world was left with an emotional stain even Oxy-clean couldn’t remove Sunday as announcements hit the trending topics confirming that legendary pitch man Billy Mays had died in his Florida home. The infomercial vanguard was best known for his work hawking cleaning supplies on late-night TV, and had recently completed some hilariously self-deprecating work for ESPN.

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As much as his public might not like it, sometimes a governer has just has to do things that the people won’t understand. Mark Sanford thought the people of South Carolina were familiar with his unusual temperment, which is why he was surprised at the outcry over his unexplained and sudden absence. He apparently took off, leaving his staff to fend for themselves when it came to the press’s persistence in inquiring: Where’s the governor? Scrambling for an answer, they narrowed fake excuses down to ‘hiking the Appalachian Trail’ and ‘gunning down Mexican druglords in the Yucatan.’ They went with the former.

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If you’re a regular viewer of holywesternempire.org, you might have notice the site loading a little slowly this afternoon. That’s because the site showcases a man by the name of James von Brunn, who made headlines today by entering Washington DC’s Holocaust Museum with a rifle and shooting it out with security guards. Von Brunn was injured and remains in critical condition, but only after mortally wounding a security guard who was pronounced dead at George Washington University Hospital.

While early reports of an 89-year-old man opening fire seemed especially out of the ordinary, things started falling into place once von Brunn’s name was attached to the crime. This sweet old grandpa is a known anti-semite who authored an array of literature about the destruction of the white race. If his name sounds familiar, you might remember an incident his website calls an attempt to “place the treasonous Federal Reserve Board of Governors under legal, non-violent, citizens arrest.”

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Times are tough. The current state of the economy may have improved slightly since everyone’s favorite “Barack” took office, but that doesn’t mean the financial crunch hasn’t dramatically affected the way we live our lives. A recent survey conducted by the enterprising folks at FindLaw.com has found that one in five Americans are eschewing life altering changes such as getting knocked up, being tied to an old ball and chain or severing ties with said old ball and chain in these times of budgetary constraints.

Maybe it just means that one in five Americans are becoming better attuned to the fact that they should engage in less conspicuous consumption.

While some may look at this from a glass half empty perspective, decrying the fact that Americans have less money to spend, maybe it just means that one in five Americans are becoming better attuned to the fact that they should engage in less conspicuous consumption.

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A Florida fisherman bypassed all lies needed for a typical tall tale and netted himself a life air-to-air missile off the coast of Panama City last week. What Captain Rodney Soloman and his crew didn’t know could have killed him: the missile was in fact live and “very unstable,” according to bomb squad officials.

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Being 11 years old is awesome. You don’t have to work in the summer, you get to eat whatever you want without getting fat, and you’re forced to hang out under the sun for an hour after lunch.

Unless, of course, you’re Moshe Kai Cavalin, the 11-year-old college graduate and decorated martial arts competitor who walked off the East Los Angeles Community College campus diploma-in-hand this week. The pre-tween, though still wide eyed and bushy tailed after a rigorous astrophysics courseload, plans to use his brilliance for good; but not before he learns to scuba dive, write a self-help book for kids trying to get through school, and win a few more kung fu championships.

When this story popped up on the realtime news feed it seemed like a good idea to blog it. Now, excitement and ambition have given way to a simple, damning question: is it overwhelmingly probable that this rugrat could both out-math us AND kick our ass?

As if Americans need any excuse to become even fatter, today has given over-indulgers a reason to (attempt to) jump for joy. Those with expanding waistlines and dieters looking for an excuse to cheat have been drawn like mosquitoes to a bug-zapper to the nearest fried dough shop to celebrate National Doughnut Day. Dunkin’ Donut, Krispy Kreme, and other franchises have been handing out sugary freebies all day from straight off the conveyor belt.

Americans have been drawn like mosquitoes to a bug-zapper to the nearest fried dough shop.

This fried festival was created by the Salvation Army 70 years ago, when volunteers would send soldiers home-baked goods during WWI. Today, it takes place on the first Friday of June every year and has attracted a new (larger) audience of people.

Now if only someone could get the ball rolling on National Nacho Day. Mmmmmm.