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Steven Green is Sorry to be Steven Green

5/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

Steven Green, a disgraced ex-US soldier, is no doubt thankful that he narrowly escaped the death penalty for his crime of raping a 14-year-old girl and murdering her, her parents and her 6-year-old sister in the town of Yusufiya in 2006.

Rather than keep quiet and accept his punishment for committing such a heinous crime, Green had the gall to apologize for his extremely deplorable action. It remains unclear who he was apologizing to, as he had most likely raped and killed anyone that bore the brunt of his actions. In any case, it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong and a much smaller man to rape and kill someone’s entire family and then two years later decide that it was probably a bad idea when faced with the prospect of life in prison. Way to go Green - have fun in the shower.

Tags: Crime, US

Iron Nun Puts the Tri- in Trinity

5/28/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Sports, US

While men and women of the cloth usually bolster hope and faith in the members of the communities they serve, one nun is taking the fun out of sports for triathletes all over America. Sister Madonna Buder, a 78-year-old nun with more than half a century of experience serving the Lord, is a sporting menace. Realizing her skill for running and subsequently biking and swimming at the age of 52, Sister Buder has been dominating triathlons for 20 plus years.

Though young non-athletes find her drive inspiring, her competitors see things differently. “She’s ruining it for all us young guys” said Brent Lancewood, a three time Ironman champion who lost the last three races to the tenacious sister. “I shudder before every race against her. She’s a damn beast.” Many of the athletes complain that Sister Buder is ungracious in her competitive nature. Several have come forward with allegations of extreme hazing. “She hit me with a ruler one time” said an anonymous cyclist.

For now, there appears to be no end in sight to Sister Buder’s commanding stamina. No official dares reprimand her and none of her competitors have what it takes in the game - it’s almost like she has God on her side. Angels at her back. “Insert supportive religious cliche here.”

Tags: Iron Nun, Sports

Racist Prom “Traditions” Continue in Deep South

5/28/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under US

Californians disappointed in the recent decision to keep Prop 8 instated can at least take some comfort in knowing that they aren’t living in Georgia, a state which features a type of blatant discrimination so irrational, we could swear we were living in the 1950’s.

A local high school in South Central Georgia recently kept one of it’s oldest traditions alive by holding two separate end-of-the-year dances for it’s students, dubbed (and no, we’re not joking) “The white folks prom, and the black folks prom.” The segregation and discrimination continued as Caucasian students were allowed to attend the African American dance, but under no circumstances was a black student allowed in the white prom. A group of black students attempted to attend the other dance to see their good friend participate in the senior walk, but were quickly ushered outside by white chaperones after the father-daughter dance was over.

While there are reportedly many bi-racial friendships at the school, plans to eradicate the double proms and combine them in the future are nowhere in sight. Attempts have been made by the students to integrate, but school officials and white parents remain firm in their twisted tradition. One student who wasn’t allowed to attend the white prom was quoted as saying, “You’re 18 years old! You’re old enough to smoke, drive, do whatever else you want to. Why aren’t you able to step up and say, I want to have my senior prom with the people I’m graduating with?”

Tags: Human Rights, Prom, South

DMV Asks for Less Teeth

5/27/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

The Department of Motor Vehicles has long been renowned for it’s Disney-like atmosphere. Long lines filled with smiling faces wrap around as far as the eye can see whilst being entertained by plushy mascots. Unfortunately, the sense of childlike merriment frequently experienced by those looking to renew their license is about to fall by the wayside, as State DMVs in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia have adopted “no smiles” policies for those posing for their license photos.

The institution of the “neutral face expression” rule is an attempt to quell rampant driver’s license fraud. Apparently, a non-expressive countenance helps to make the photo comparison process more accurate when dealing with special face recognition software. The move, however, fails to recognize that most human beings, even those posing for fake IDs, have the ability to not smile if they are told not to. Drivers in all four states have already began to decrying the demise of one of the last bastions of municipal licensing enjoyment by seeking their cotton candy and laughter in other places such as State Fairs and playgrounds.

Tags: DMV

California Upholds Prop 8

5/26/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Politics, US

The country’s most morally confusing state (yes, we know we’re from here) took ten steps back today when a motion to reject Proposition 8 was voted down in California. Had it passed, people of alternative lifestyles living in the Golden State would have been able to marry one another if they so desired.

The state’s befuddling majority of morally habitual voters helped to assure that gays continue to be treated like they are subhuman. So, until the next polling date, the God-fearing residents of California can continue teaching their children unequal rights practices. If only this damn progress thing weren’t such a burden on traditional values, we could all sleep soundly at night.

Tags: California, Human Rights, Prop 8

Alaska Hosting Facial Hair Face-off

5/22/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under US

If shaving has never been your thing, leaving you with an impressive man-stache, then you may want to catch the next flight to Anchorage, where folks from all over the world who boast winning whiskers will gather this weekend for the World Beard and Moustache Championship.

Over 200 competitors hailing from 12 countries are set to have a facial hair face off, where they will lock horns (or handlebar ’staches) in three different categories: mustaches, full beards, and partial beards. A bonus competition will be the “freestyle,” where anything goes and creativity reigns supreme. The only rule: no pins or wires allowed. In years past, this category has boasted beards in the shape on London’s Tower Bridge, and other popular landmarks.

This year, whispers are circulating that the Germans are the ones to beat, and team USA is concerned. The boys have been shampooing, conditioning, trimming, and blow drying their mutton chops and goatees to get ready for the big event, and are reportedly as ready as they’ll ever be. Word is that a lot of women will also turn up at this event, and - being in male-dominated Alaska - the men are excited to see these rare and elusive creatures. Says one competitor, “I’ve had women tell me that it is the best goatee that they have ever seen. I could tell they were very impressed.”

Lets just hope that the women are only watching the event, and that none are actually eligible to compete.

Tags: Alaska, Beards, Mustaches

Billionaires Fight Arch Enemies, Social Issues

5/21/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

The invitation read “Billionaires only.” If millionaires even stood a chance of attending the top secret pow wow of the world’s most powerful philanthropists, they’d have to apply for waitstaff positions. Lord knows they could use the extra cash.

They were all there, inside the hallowed halls of Rockefeller University earlier this month. Ted Turner, Warren E. Buffett, George Soros, New York City Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, Bill Gates, David Rockefeller Sr., and of course Oprah.

So what did this well-to-do gang of do-gooders, who since 1996 have contributed an estimated $72.5 billion to charitable causes, discuss during the hush-hush session put together by the all-powerful Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? Early rumors suggested the “talks” were merely a front for the induction of Oprah into the Illuminati amidst a slew of ritual sacrifices of every single member of the Justice League.

However, word has since recently come down from on high that the sage Samaritans tackled tough issues and brainstormed for “ways to promote efforts to solve growing social problems in America and abroad.” Sure, the earlier rumors were a lot more interesting, but in the end it’s good to know that these dollar dynamos are using their money for good instead of evil.

Tags: Bill Gates, Oprah, Philanthropy

New York Official Host to America’s Worst Drivers

5/20/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under US

A new study by insurance company GMAC has released the results of it’s annual poll examining which states drive like your legally blind grandmother. My own home residence of New York, breeding ground for foreign cabbies with a penchant for horn honking and the use of expletives, was ranked number one. Congrats!

NY Twitterers have been basking in the glory all morning. @weddingdude seemed pretty excited at being ranked the worst, offering kudos all around: “Excellent work everyone!” @lovelanewest does not want to share the honors though, stating: Coincidence? I got my driver’s license in ‘08, and now NY is ranked as having the worst drivers of any state.”

But of those being held responsible ‘Driver,’ is way ahead in the running. When interviewed by a NY1 reporter and asked what a red flashing light means, he/she stated, “Caution, slow down.” When told it actually means to put on the brakes, they merely responded, “You are? I do not stop.”

And that, my friends, is how it’s done! Also in the top five were New Jersey, New Jersey, Hawaii, California and Georgia, followed in the bottom five. Better luck next year suckas!

Tags: Bad Drivers, New York, Safety

Teens Losing (Less of) It on Prom Night

5/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While many of us remember senior prom as our final carefree romp before entering the hellish real world, the class of 2009 is under a bit more pressure to keep the cost down. The dress, the flowers, the meth, the limo, and the ticket itself can add up to quite a bundle, and mom and dad have woes of their own. I mean, look at dad. Ever since he got laid off he just sits in the garage in that tattered bathrobe varnishing that disfigured piece of drift wood over and over again. It’s kind of disturbing, really.

Anyhow, while some fret about the lost luster of the momentous end-of-innocence celebration, plenty of enterprising teenagers are taking back the prom by being resourceful. Some have decided to skip the fancy venue and rent out an old folks home instead (i would say ’senior’ but that would get confusing). Many have decided to skip the limo in favor of driving or quickly walking to the event. Rather than going all out on the dress and the hair, girls are borrowing items or making them out of discarded burlap.

Many whose family’s are so strapped that they couldn’t afford prom tickets were desperate for a solution, which thankfully emerged in the form of an alternative event sponsored by a local seafood processing plant, aptly titled ‘Prawn 2009′.

Tags: Economy, Prom, Teens

Butt Bandit Nabs $120,00O Worth of Cigarettes

5/14/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

A new terror is stalking the storefronts of Jefferson County, Colorado, where authorities have caught wind of a local evildoer with an unquenchable craving for committing crime. This new breed of thief isn’t in it for the pleasure of pilfering, rather his propensity for engaging in the unsavory act is driven by a not-so-unique addiction.

For the last two years, the Nighttime Nicotine Ninja has burgled over 100 local businesses and stolen over $120,000 in cancer sticks while leaving other in-stock items, most curiously Slim-Jims, untouched. While police have plenty of footage of this butt bandit clad in black from head to toe, they’ve yet to garner any leads as to the identity of the habitual heist mastermind. With a limited description of the burglar circulating, police are on the hunt for someone with eyes that likes to smoke a lot. Area bosses are being encouraged to narc out any employee who seems to be taking smoke breaks too frequently and who appear none too put out when someone tries to bum a cig.

Tags: Colorado, Crime

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