Obama rolled out a beefy budget yesterday, and the $3.6 trillion dollar outline (that’s $3,600,000,000,000) put so many 24K gold stars in our eyes that we cumulatively blacked out. When we came to licking parking meters, we realized not even the most monetarily mature can fight the power of a 13-digit bank account – so we thought up some ways to keep Obama from the dark side. Spend, spend, spend Mr. President, it’s the only way you’ll come out alive.
Bring on the Weather
Making it rain is fun, but spring showers will do nothing to rid yourself of all those zeros. Go find a tornado, stick a few million in it, and let mother nature do her thing. Subsequent disaster relief will just be frosting on the cake.
The Great American Craft Project
How many dollar bills would it take to make a paper chain long enough to go around the world? Who knows - but the thought of all those George’s holing hands is sure heartwarming.
The Green Ticket
Hand cops a wad of bills to be used specifically for the purpose of writing parking tickets on. Time is money, and paper is trees, and all of those things are in short demand these days - so go green on us. With all those dang quotas to fill you’ll zap billions in no time.
We’ll Call it Ballerpaper
Prioritize: Do you want to go down as the best president or the fresh president? Floor to ceiling wallpaper, all $100 bills. Money-est decoupage project ever - and kids would suddenly enjoy DC field trips to boot. Do it, ‘Bama!
Feed the Dog
Some things you should know before this puppy shows up in April: Things will go missing, things will get eaten, and things will get peed on. But there’s a platinum lining to this sometimes stressful state of affairs - you can blame puppies for everything. Missing a few bills? Well… yeah. You have a dog.
Or, you can breeze through those trillies the way you told America you would. Best of luck, Obama - don’t worry, no one’s watching or anything.
