Scientists have discovered a species of jellyfish that has the ability to revert itself to a stage of infancy when on the verge of death. Turritopsis dohrnii, a species of half-inch long cnidarians, was discovered over a century ago, but its regenerative powers were not known until the 1990s, when researchers suddenly became suspicious of the lack of fingernail sized jellyfish carcasses found during sea sweep research.
When subjected to starvation, physical damage, or other undesirable states, Turritopsis turns itself into a blob of polyp cells, the youngest state of jellyfish, which then begins growing into a swarm of full size jellyfish. Though this process can be repeated indefinitely, Turritopsis usually allow themselves to die eventually, citing boredom, exhaustion from swarming, and a lack of purpose.
While it is clear that the physical make-up of Turritopsis is able to cheat death, scientists are still unsure if the soul of the original jellyfish lives on in the blob it becomes upon reversion, and are expected to seek the advice of holy persons of various faiths and spiritual disciplines. The two groups are sure to reach a satisfactory and wholly explanatory conclusion to the argument, which takes into account all beliefs of all people, an event upon which God and Colonel Sanders will descend upon the earth and feed all living people with an abundance of popcorn chicken.
The senior citizens of the world, who now prefer to be called ‘the elderly’, are excited at the prospect of research that has the potential to yield drugs that induce youth instantaneously and allow for immortality. In anticipation, the Social Security Administration has requested to be taken out back and shot before the shit hits the fan.
