It has been long known that the namesake of the National Rifle Association is an item these folks want to see in every home in America. But how do they feel about other firearms? Seeking to address public confusion about the types of weapons the NRA approves of, the group is taking a handgun battle all the way to the supreme court.

The NRA argues that the invalidation of a handgun ban passed in Washington DC applies to the Chicago handgun ban as well, because clearly, “when a technicality puts guns back on the streets of a high crime urban sprawl, it should be adopted nationwide.” The speaker for the NRA added, “And not just rifles. We equally represent all types of arms and artillery”.

Since every year a large number of legally purchased handguns end up being used to commit crimes, some lawmakers find it hard to justify any legislation unrestricting gun laws already in place. To quell fears about gun-related crimes, NRA representatives shifted the focus back to rifles, citing that anyone can easily identify a person armed with a rifle from a far enough distance for the potential victim to escape by foot. When the question arose about those too old, young, or enfeebled to run when faced with firearms, the NRA tactfully segued back into the topic of handguns, stating “Handguns are great”.

Back on the subject of rifles, three selected representatives then began discussing which types of rifles are the best and, unable to reach an agreement, concluded that all rifles are, in general, pretty great. A fourth speaker stated that in the spirit of this conclusion, all weapons should be available to all people. Upon some deliberation following this statement, it was agreed that nuclear arms should be available only to American citizens.