It was a dark and stormy night in Toronto and in the life of rumor monger and new media mogul Perez Hilton. The gossip queen, whose tremendous wit reaches its height when drawing penises on the faces of photos of celebrities, was met with a cruel form of un-ironic comeuppance when someone struck him with something other than a scribbled phallus. The whole thing allegedly “got started (retarded)” when Black Eyed Peas frontman will.i.am told the saboteur of Miss California’s pageant dreams to not write about his band on his infamous site. This request was apparently followed by a bit of an alleged drubbing at the hand (or fists) of the band’s manager Polo Molina.
Rather than seek the immediate assistance of police or medical staff, the bloodied blogger did what comes naturally to most attention whores; he tweeted about the incident. Surely, someone in his band of one million plus merry followers on the micro-blogging site must have had the capability to contact authorities and alert them to his cry of “I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.” Unfortunately, Sting and his former bandmates were nowhere near Toronto at the time and Hilton had to eventually settle for Mounties whom he later learned had taken so long to arrive because they were not following him on twitter. They followed up their investigation of the incident by showing the distressed cewebrity how to use a phone.
Next week on OneRiot: “Twitter transcends even the most elemental forms of communication as police become aware of assault at Miley Cyrus concert via @mileycyrus”