Death is a tenacious adversary, whether you’re a group of attractive young people on a school run trip to Paris or an Italian woman on her way to Par-….oh my god. I apologize, OneRiot reader, for the true gravity of the situation is just now occurring to me in its entirety. Usually, I’ll make a few snappy jokes and strategically inject healthy amounts of what our editor refers to as ’snark’ into an otherwise informative news story, but now is obviously not the time.
It appears that the terminal phenomenon known as death has tightened up its operation and is mitigating some overlooked snafus.
It appears that the terminal phenomenon known as death has tightened up its operation and is mitigating some overlooked snafus. No longer will there be ‘close calls’ or ‘near death experiences.’ As a result, this more precise, less wasteful death will claim the lives of many more people, the which the majority of which managed to avoid natural selection by way of medical advancements and sheer, dumb luck.
Now is the time to assess your life and uncover any situations that potentially stipulate that you should be dead. Once such a past a vent is recalled, promptly kill yourself. I know that means that death wins in the end anyway, but maybe death has a point and you are weakening your species.
via @jhong
