It had all of the ingredients of a typical Donald Trump bash: Eighty-three exotic women from all over the world paraded around the stage at the Atlantis Resort and Casino in the Bahamas, alternating between swimsuits and night gowns as Billy Bush pretended to be interested in their answers to questions pertaining to women’s lib and other pressing issues of the day whilst simultaneously staring at their chests.

Yes, they call it Miss Universe and it could only have been classier had Heidi Montag not been performing her new un-hit single “Body Language.” All the stars were there…including Dean Cain.

For these lifelong pageant hopefuls, years of preparation and layers upon layers of makeup had all been leading up this moment; the moment one of them would be chosen to wear the Miss Universe crown so that they could travel around the world for one whole year gracefully waving to strangers before eventually falling victim to a life of hosting Entertainment Tonight or, better yet, a career in Telenovelas. When the dust settled and all was said and done, Miss Venezuela- Stefanía Fernández- was the one everyone was calling the most beautiful girl in the Universe. The win marked the second straight year Venezuela took the crown, proving that despite our nation’s view of him as being kind of a dictatorial douche, Hugo Chavez is pretty lucky for getting to live in Venezuela.