Can you feel the excitement, OneRiot sports fans? No, we’re not talking about excitement for that lame nationally televised Tim McGraw and Black Eyed Peas concert this evening - we’re talking about the new NFL season upon us.
As the Pittsburgh Steelers open defense of their Super Bowl XLIII Championship against the Tennessee Titans this evening at Heinz Field, things are bound to get quite ketchuppy. But before condiments and countless pints of blood are spilled on the gridiron in this first test of football wills, take a peek at the list of things we fully expect to come to fruition over the next 21 weeks of smash-mouth action. So lace up your cleats, give your fantasy team that pep talk they’ve been waiting for all summer, call heads during the coin toss and elect to receive, but most of all don’t flinch when you see the following 15 things go down this season. So without any further ado, OneRiot’s list of things to expect while you’re expecting to see some football:
1. Rolling Stones Guitarist Keith Richards will reveal that he learned the secret to living a long healthy life from his great-grandfather Raiders owner Al Davis (aka Emperor Palpatine).
2. Joe Buck will mention Brett Favre’s name at least seventy-times times per game…even games in which he’s not playing.
3. Chad Ochocinco will not be able to stay off Twitter. He’ll be fined at least four times for tweeting during games.
4. Play-by-play announcers will have a difficult time pronouncing the name of Raiders Cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha.
5. Punting off the new Cowboys Stadium scoreboard will become a sport within a sport. Vegas will accept weekly bets on just how many times it happens per game.
6. John Gruden will be the best thing to happen to Monday Night Football since Dennis Miller, but without all of the bizarre references to Reagan-era politics and 70’s TV shows.
7. Jay Cutler will get all whiny and demand to be traded when he realizes the Bears don’t have any good receivers.
8. Tony Romo will date a talented musical artist, bringing his game to soaring new heights.
9. The Detroit Lions will win a few games. A few.
10. Following a week 8 loss to the Green Bay Packers at the Metrodome, Brett Favre will announce his final retirement, stating that this whole thing was just a ploy to take on his old team two last times, thereby cementing himself to be the most selfish player in team sports history.
Alright Football fans, enjoy the season. There’s sure to be plenty more news where that came from, so stay tuned for the OneRiot blog for your Football fix. Actually, no. Fix on other things, since we probably won’t be covering Football all that much unless something happens that we can make fun of.
