There are some people, that when you see their names trending, you assume them to be either freshly deceased, the subject of Internet death rumors, or newly accused of a heinous crime. Garth Brooks has been so safely stowed away from the limelight in recent years that his current nature as a trending topic had us fearing the worst, and teen twitter user @LouisaPaxton just generally wondering “Who is garth brooks?”
Rest assured Garthamaniacs, the former Country music megastar is not joining Michael Jackson in that big recording studio in the sky. Quite the opposite. The best-selling solo musician in U.S. history has announced that he will be ending his self-imposed nine year retirement and is rumored to be joining the ranks of Wayne Newton, Celine Dion, and Cher as a glorified Las Vegas performer. So with Garth allegedly set to heat up the gambling circuit for 16 weeks courtesy of the Wynn Hotel & Casino, we here at OneRiot have come up with a list of ten things to expect during Garth’s run on the Sin City strip.
- Garth will reserve the front row each night for his best friends, for the sole purpose of not lying every time he sings “Friends in Low Places“
- There will be barriers between the crowd and the stage, just no fences.
- A more than uncalled for crowd hushing nightly pantomime re-enactment of the video for “The Thunder Rolls.” Performed by a bevy of horribly out of place scantily clad showgirls.
- The only merchandise available at the show will be Garth’s trademark black and white button down.
- Opening for Garth Brooks…Trisha Yearwood…and on some dates, Larry The Cable Guy. On no occasion will Clint Black be appearing. The two haven’t gotten along since “the incident.”
- Admittedly not big on “social graces” an entire half-hour of the show will be dedicated to displays of Brooks’ bodily functions, burping being the one most prominently featured.
- There will be a giant slot machine on stage that Garth will invite one elderly fan to play throughout the entirety of the show. If she hits the jackpot she wins the show’s entire gross profits for the evening.
- Somewhere around the 14th week Garth will do a full week’s slate as his alter-ego Chris Gaines. After the performances go largely unheralded, failing to achieve any critical or audience acclaim, Garth will return to as his old successful self.
- In between the set and the encore of every show, Garth will slip on down to the Oasis Resort & Casino about an hour north of Las Vegas to chase his blues away. He’ll be okay.
- Garth will put on the gosh darn grandest spectacle of a country music show you’ve ever seen. Mark our words…GRANDEST!
Alright, country music fans. There your have it. Time to thank your lucky stars that Country music’s true superstar is back in our good graces. We expect to see searches for “Great Vegas Travel Deals” trending real soon.
