The funeral business in America has been a racket ever since an undertaker figured out that folks in grief are easy marks. This legacy of opportunism has been passed down for generations, which is why you see funeral homes touting on their awnings just how long they’ve been disposing of the lifeless. Well, mom and pop are getting another royal screw job from Wal-Mart, as the megastore has just rolled out a line of caskets for today’s approaching-death patron on the go. While most of the small businesses Wal-Mart drives into the ground are honest people trying to make a living, this just might be one scheme that has great value for the customer. In fact, why not plan your entire funeral through Wal-Mart!?
The Suit - You want to look good when you go down. And I mean you, specifically. I’m into the cremation thing, personally. But you. You need to look stylin’ when you’re descending into the earth. Now, Wal-Mart doesn’t have much by way of suits, but these handsome Dickies Big Men’s Bib Overalls are equally classy, and far more rugged. For an extra bad ass look, have someone leave one of the shoulder straps undone for a looks that says “Yeah I’m dead, but this carburetor isn’t going to fix itself”. $30.50
- The Preservative - Do you know how much a bottle of formaldehyde costs? If you’re planning a funeral, you know the answer is ‘way out of your budget’. Instead, locate a Wal-Mart equipped with a supermarket and buy a dozen jars of pickles at a bargain price. After all, pickle brine is nature’s human flesh preservative. $28.44
The Party - Go out with a bang and get party hats for your funeral goers. Everyone loves party hats, don’t you agree? You don’t!? Well, then I’ll kill you. And we can plan your funeral through Wal-Mart! Yeah! $8.99
- The Plot - While crooked undertakers are only out to swindle you, the guys selling you the hole in the ground are right in bed with them. The joke will be on all of them when they find out that you used Wal-Mart’s Micro-shovel to dig your own plot in their cemetery by night. When they alert the police, the joke will be on you again. $10.00
Along with the affordable $895 budget casket model, your entire Wal-Mart funeral will cost a grand total of: $953.48!
Not bad…unless you still can’t afford the casket. Well, not to worry. Wal-Mart also carries garbage cans.
Fun Fact! An anagram of ‘Funeral’ is ‘Real Fun’
