The Story: Sam Adams has super-charged their beer and created the alcoholic nectar Utopias.  Here are a few other things we’d like to see upgraded to super-levels.

The Search: Utopias

It’s no secret that American consumers want more, they want it bigger and stronger, and they want it now. Often this inherent eagerness will prevail before we even know what ‘it’ is. Even if ‘it’ was a free gallon of dog vomit, the average American would ask for two. It’s with this notion in mind that Boston brewery Sam Adams went about trying to trump the most potent beers out there. Their efforts yielded something called Utopias, which has 27% alcohol by volume and costs $150 a bottle. We feel that it is important to remind consumers that there is a product out there called ‘bourbon’ which has a much higher alcohol content and costs far, far less. We at OneRiot personally recommend a brand called Heaven Hill.

So, let’s do what we at OneRiot do and apply this standard of innovation to number of things that could use it. Ready? OK. Well, hang on one second, I’ve got a sip of Heaven Hill left. (Gulp) Ah! Wonderful. Now, let’s begin.

Caffeine
We’ve been upping the size of our coffee for years, becoming the only country where a 36 oz coffee mug isn’t a gag gift. Why haven’t we focused on raising the caffeine content instead so we don’t have to do all that drinking (and subsequently, urinating)? If you’re thinking that extra added caffeine is the answer, then you’re obviously not American, go back to Canada! We need a substance that will do the job of caffeine even better. That’s right, Colombia. We’ll give you a call from our secure line.

Baby Strollers
These things can cost hundreds of dollars, and you still have to push them! We’d like to see baby strollers that are motorized. And, since babies weigh so little, why not add a few more seats. Since high speed winds aren’t conducive to child rearing, maybe add some windows. Also, you should be controlling this thing with full view of the terrain in front of you, perhaps with some kind of wheel mechanism. That’s what you need; a reinforced carrier that you can strap your kids into and fly around at speeds that nature never intended a living organism to reach. A few minor adjustments, and bam! Oh…it’s a minivan.

Guns
We are currently the only first world country where you can buy guns at a store that also sells diapers. In the same section, you can also buy hunting knives, which is why we’re amazed that no one has come up with this: the knife gun. It’s a gun that shoots hunting knives. It’s incredible that we’ve put everything in a gun; glue, staples, radar detection, bullets, hot air, and we haven’t though of this yet!? Well, the madness ends here. Interestingly, the madness ends with the insane innovation of the knife gun.