The Story: Everyone’s looking for a deal on Black Friday, and the result is shopping pandemonium. Avoid the lines with these holiday gift ideas.
The Search: Black Friday
It’s that time of the year when we spend a day reflecting on our good fortune over a smorgasbord of dinner table classics, followed by a day of unbridled consumerism dubbed Black Friday. While most stores are gearing up and stocking up for the biggest sales day of the year, you’re probably wondering how you can take advantage of the day off by getting some Christmas shopping done while simultaneously avoiding the madness. Furthermore, you’re probably saying “How can I do it for less!?” Well, congratulations, you cheap bastard. OneRiot has got you covered with five gift ideas that no one will be shopping for this Black Friday.
Halloween costumes
What was once a haven for fake blood and teeth just a few weeks ago is now a winter wonderland; Your local seasonal store might not have children’s Iron Man costumes in the window anymore, but you can bet your ass that stock didn’t sell out. It’s probably sitting in storage waiting for you to come in the store, awkwardly ask the bitter teenage employee about Halloween stuff, and claim the wonderful gift of a disguise which can be yours to give for a fraction of its pre-Hallows price tag.
Phillies World Series Champions Apparel
The World Series is over and after a brief stint on top, Philadelphia returned into Obscurity (a seedy strip club on Delaware Ave). That doesn’t mean that all the clothing items announcing an unrealized victory aren’t still available. Wear the lie for a lower price, made with the same city pride and dwindling hope as it was last year.
Liquor
Your local alcohol dispensary would be selling the same amount of alcohol whether it’s Christmas or just another lonely Tuesday in April. Give the gift of intoxication. As we learned from the 1998 sci fi film Sphere, the most valuable power is the power to forget.
Cash
Depending on who you’re gifting, cash may be an appropriate substitute for a thoughtful present. Feel free to skimp on this gift, particularly with children, who will be ecstatic upon receiving a card nicely bundled with the seven dollars you keep in your glove compartment for tolls.
Your Old Stuff
Despite all the great ideas we have bestowed upon you, statistics say that this option will end up comprising the majority of your ’shopping list’. We’re confident that your neon Pabst Blue Ribbon bar sign will surely go to the loved one at the top of your list.
Happy Holidays!
