The Summary: Learn from the mistakes of Kane Kellett, and get a lesson in cursing with tact.
The Search: Kane Kellett
No matter how much bile and vinegar you’ve got churning around in you, you’ve got to be weary of where it leaks out. Kane Kellett was appearing in court for breaking, entering, and intent to smack victim’s head with flashlight (an oddly common charge in Illinois) when he decided to bolster his bad boy image. Right off the bat, he responded to the judge’s inquiry as to whether or not he had an attorney with a defiant ‘F— no’. His responses to the following questions were all preceded by a strongly toned ‘F—’ shortly after which it was decided that he be treated as a hostile witness, upon which Kellett responded with only the word ‘F—’. This degenerated further while 24 year old was being sworn in. At a loss for words, even his favorite ‘F—’, Kellett decided to express his sentiments to the judge with the ancient art of sign language.
Everyone gets unreasonably hyped about getting flipped off. Parents, teachers, disgruntled drivers, all see that solitary extended finger and feel like you’ve just slapped their mother. It could be argued that this provocation is over-stigmatized as this horrible thing, but Kellett’s intellect lacked the skill to articulate such an argument before the judge decided to hold him in contempt of court and sentence him to 6 months in prison.
For the sake of Kellett and others of his temperament, we at OneRiot have decided to create a code of conduct for young people in this position who are considering using this gesture. The full guide is due out some time next winter, but for now, here are a few samples of our expertise.
F$%&:
F@#$ is a wonderful and expressive word, but it’s percieved as a much larger offense to a judge or a cop than it is to your friend or a sailor. Consider the following two situations.
(1)
Friend: Dude, what the f$&%? You’re like an hour late.
You: Yeah, well, there was traffic. Go f$#& yourself.
(2)
Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
You: No. How about you go and f$&# yourself.
Now, try imagining each person’s response to your profanity. See the difference? If the unleashing of strong words is going to get you into trouble, avoid saying them. You might ask “How am I supposed to let out all this anger? This piss? This vinegar?” There are things you can do.
Mute the curse words: Remember when your grandmother would express her racism by greatly reducing the volume of the one word in a sentence that she considers offensive but it’s only offensive because of what she’s saying and how she’s saying it? Ex: “I understand that he’s an excellent accountant, I just didn’t know he was (Mexican)”. Try that with F&%$. Works like a charm!
Replace curse words with regular words: There’s lots of words that sound like F&#$ but aren’t F*%$. ‘Fudge’ is solid because it’s got that hard U in there and it starts with an F. ‘Firetruck’ is good if you want to get all the phonetic sounds in and don’t mind adding some sounds. Create your own!
Mutter under your breath: This way, you get to say it and no one has to hear it. Be careful about your volume, though. There are those among us who have super hearing. F*#$ them, right?!
And thank Kane Kellett for showing us that whatever method you choose, keeping those F$#%s from taking center stage can keep that a$$ out of prison, greatly reducing the probability of getting it repeatedly f—-well, you know.
