The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?

The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp

I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the masses of sweaty, bearded, farting boars that are the males of this planet, one of us bastards must be the sexiest. People magazine, which has dedicated the working hours of all its employees to the study of only the most special people, has decided that Johnny Depp has got the more sex in him than any man. I, for one, am speaking for all those men who find this decision to be outrageous. Depp is not a real man, and therefore should only be regarded as sexiest among his foofy Hollywood peers. Survivorman Les Stroud is a real man. My housemate Greg, who just got his internet to work and did a victory dance, he’s a man. I, sitting here in dire need of a shower, am a man. You want to know why Depp received this honor? You want to hear it from a man?

First of all, Johnny Depp lives on a private Bahaman island. On this island, he is served by a staff whose only calling in life is to please one Johnny Depp. He hasn’t cleaned leaves out of a gutter, changed a tire, used a sock in lieu of toilet paper, or performed any of the tasks that make a man a man. He’s soft. I, on the other hand, cut my fingers every time I open my car door. My boy Joe doesn’t have a car. Instead he walks all over Philly and therefore has to carry a knife. Joe’s a man. If either of us had these ordeals lifted from our lives and suddenly entered a pampered reality, we wouldn’t be men. We would be Johnny Depp.

Millions of women all over the planet get to see Johnny Depp through his movies and decide whether or not he’s sexy. I, on the other hand, am viewed by three women on a regular basis; my girlfriend, my mom, and that crabby old Cambodian lady at the corner store. Only one of these women finds me sexy. However, if those odds were applied to the world, there would be a billion women scoping me out and finding something sexy about my sexy self. Despite this fact, I’m still not even close to being a competitor.

Many men in my peer group have found that a man’s sexiness, in the eyes of the world’s lady population, increases with bankroll. Not to say that women are shallow; if they were, then only looks would matter. They don’t. Money matters. I know this guy named Larry who is the ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen, and he’s got a ridiculously hot girlfriend. Why?  He invented the scoop tortilla chip. That doesn’t make him sexy, it just makes him rich. Apparently, that’s pretty sexy.

Finally, I’d like to note that 99.9 percent of you women out there who agree with People magazine have no idea what Johnny Depp is really like. You just think he looks good. If you got a chance to date him, you might find out that he’s a vain, self-absorbed jerk who’s completely out of touch with reality. Then again, you might find him to be a kind, caring soul who is down to earth despite his fame. Either way you would quit him because you don’t want a man that every woman in the world wants. You want a man you can count on, kick around once in a while, and occasionally find sexy. Of course, I can’t be sure what you want. After all, I’m not a psychic. I’m a man.