The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime. OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 miles to threaten her adjacent angle, Colleen Shipman, was so amazing to the public. Today, we receive an update on this torrid tale as Ms. Nowak found herself walking free with only the burden of a year’s probation and 50 hours of the dreaded penalty known as community service. The slap on the wrist came bundled in a plea bargain that was agreed upon despite Shipman’s certainty that, “It was in her eyes, a blood-chilling expression of unlimited rage and glee I am 100% certain Lisa Nowak came here to murder me.”
We at OneRiot know commercial viability when we see it, and this real life story has us jumping with unlimited rage and glee…mostly glee. We know this would make a great movie and to prevent the ensuing studio battle over the rights to this incredible story, we’ve taken the liberty of casting it. Don’t thank us, Hollywood. Just make us proud.
Bill Oefelein: The man at the center of this triangle…or I suppose he’s one of the angles…is a real piece of work. While married, he had an affair with Nowak, only to later leave both his wife and Nowak for Colleen Shipman, prompting Nowak’s infamous diaper ride. Wow! Just ’cause he’s an astronaut, doesn’t mean he’s not a complete bastard, right? There’s only one man who could play such a rotten guy while still allowing the audience to see what these ladies see in him: Bill Paxton. You might think that his roles in Apollo 13 and Big Love led us to this decision. Wrong. It was his role as Coconut Pete in 2004’s Club Dread. Don’t bother trying to figure that one out, it’s way over your head.
Colleen Shipman: This vixen managed to destroy a marriage AND and an affair. That takes some real skill, not to mention a shriveled up little prune of a heart. We were pondering these very qualities when it hit us: Helen Hunt. A big plus is the proven chemistry between her and Paxton brought to light by the gripping Twister.
Lisa Nowak: Frazzled, eratic, impulsive, vengeful, and yet capable of operating a robotic arm in outer space, this lady is truly one in a billion. All she wanted was to be loved by a fellow space-person, one of the few men in the world who could understand her space-emotions, but she went about chasing it the wrong way. For Miss Nowak, the path to love involved a carbon-dioxide powered pellet gun, a folding knife with a 4 inch blade, pepper spray, a steel mallet, garbage bags, rubber tubing, and various disguises. Twisted? Yes. Misunderstood? Possibly. Innocent? No! Bam. Jennifer Love Hewitt.
All bold casting choices, but personally since 2004 I’ve been envisioning this story with Laurie Metcalf of “Roseanne” fame in the role of Lisa Nowak…but Bill Paxton all the way…all the way.