The Story: One little girl is machine-gun sneezing up to 12,000 times per day.  OneRiot helps her, and others like her, cope.

The Search: Lauren Johnson

Having hay fever is the pits. From the itchy eyes, to the stuffy noses, sufferers of the common allergy are forced to walk around for days at a time looking like jerks and interrupting conversations with the most annoying physical reaction of all: the sneeze. How many times can innocent bystanders be forced to politely say ‘God bless you,’ ‘gesundheit’ or ‘if you’ve gotta sneeze, please sneeze more quietly because I’m trying to watch TV’? But while it’s inconvenient having to deal with the occasional case of sternutation, one little girl from Virginia deals with it a little more often. Like, 12,000 times a day.

Lauren Johnson suffers from what doctors are suggesting is irretractable psychogenic disorder, a stress-related issue that causes her to sneeze uncontrollably at all hours of the day. Johnson, henceforth known as The Almighty Sneezer, will only go about six seconds between achoos—and it seems that her physicians have no answer for the incessant stream of sneezes.

The Almighty Sneezer’s mother, Lynn Johnson, eloquently suggests that “There’s less than 40 cases ever documented ever in the entire world.” And while nobody at OneRiot is a doctor, per se, we do have some suggestions that might quell the little girl’s chronic condition.

• Practice several stress-reducing techniques. While Lauren Johnson is only 12, studies* show that irretractable psychogenic disorder is often tied to stress. We believe a trip to the spa or a religious conversion to Taoism should help.

• Avoid any romantic encounter. Sternutation is a common result of breathing in airborne particles, so it’s probably best that Lauren keep to herself to avoid smelling the roses, dancing in the rain, and hardcore makeout sessions.

• If all else fails… consult an online reference with various tactics on how to avoid sneezing—or at least cope with the nasty fact that it’s ALWAYS about to happen. http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-a-Sneeze

*No studies were conducted or referenced.