The Story: The recent publicity Tiger Woods has been getting has nothing to do with his golfing career. Why so much media hype when it doesn’t influence job performance? OneRiot looks to the past for examples.
The Search: Tiger Woods Affairs
Sometimes a guy just wants to get his freak on, and the world is still reeling from the newly gotten knowledge that clean cut and wholesome golf wizard Tiger Woods is, after all, just a man. No one can effectively calculate how we got from a low-speed, no-injury car accident to an unprecedented love nonagon, but I’m sure that I couldn’t care any less about Tiger Woods’ love life. I’m a writer for OneRiot and I’m currently having seven affairs as well, but do you care? No. Clearly, it’s different with Tiger because golf is involved.
We’re tired of the media prying into the irrelevant details of well known persons. Though it gives us lots of fun things to write about, it is a practice furthering the asinine design of American news. Tiger Woods’ extramarital sex life has as little to do with his golfing ability, as astronaut Lisa Nowak’s obsessive behavior has to do with her ability to keep us safe from space aliens threatening our civilization. If it doesn’t affect the job function, why do we care? Because, my friend, we are frivolous idiots. And here’s some proof from the past.
Prostiticians
Politicians looove hookers. More than basketball players, bank CEOs, or the tragically ugly, men in politics seem to have the largest hankering for ladies of the evening. Due to the spotlight these lawmakers remain in, their ‘hobbies’ are often exposed to the public, raising outrage from citizens who would never, ever be able to afford such luxuries. These unscrupulous men are crucified via cable TV until the very places they represent are lost in the ether. For example, you know why Mark Sanford is famous. But what state does he represent? Is he a senator or a congressman or a governor? If you had to Google those two questions, then you’re part of the problem.
Obabble
Like millions of Americans, our current president smokes cigarettes. Upon the release of his health assessment during his campaign, the ‘other O’ (as he is now known), was subject to a barrage of criticisms for his bad habit from a party that supported a partially paralyzed geriatric with PTSD in 2008 as well as a mentally retarded former cocaine addict in previous contests. Parallels were drawn between the self control required for quitting and the ability to rule a nation. The sheer needlessness of this bit of news was lost on our hardworking newspeople, who reminded us of it incessantly along with news of his dog, his wife’s clothing, his kids’ daily routines, adding to an everlasting list of gossip without noting that it has no effect on his function in our government.
Britney Spears
Long after the music started sucking, the album sales dropped, and the physical appearance took an unfortunate turn for the worse, the world still talks about Britney Spears…I’ll leave you to ponder that one on your own.
