The Story: Sam Adams has super-charged their beer and created the alcoholic nectar Utopias.  Here are a few other things we’d like to see upgraded to super-levels.

The Search: Utopias

It’s no secret that American consumers want more, they want it bigger and stronger, and they want it now. Often this inherent eagerness will prevail before we even know what ‘it’ is. Even if ‘it’ was a free gallon of dog vomit, the average American would ask for two. It’s with this notion in mind that Boston brewery Sam Adams went about trying to trump the most potent beers out there. Their efforts yielded something called Utopias, which has 27% alcohol by volume and costs $150 a bottle. We feel that it is important to remind consumers that there is a product out there called ‘bourbon’ which has a much higher alcohol content and costs far, far less. We at OneRiot personally recommend a brand called Heaven Hill.

So, let’s do what we at OneRiot do and apply this standard of innovation to number of things that could use it. Ready? OK. Well, hang on one second, I’ve got a sip of Heaven Hill left. (Gulp) Ah! Wonderful. Now, let’s begin.

Caffeine
We’ve been upping the size of our coffee for years, becoming the only country where a 36 oz coffee mug isn’t a gag gift. Why haven’t we focused on raising the caffeine content instead so we don’t have to do all that drinking (and subsequently, urinating)? If you’re thinking that extra added caffeine is the answer, then you’re obviously not American, go back to Canada! We need a substance that will do the job of caffeine even better. That’s right, Colombia. We’ll give you a call from our secure line. (more…)