Search the realtime web - the news, stories and videos people are talking about right now.

Posts Tagged ‘Australia’

Get the Hop Outta Australia // Military Begins Kangaroo Slayings

5/08/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

While most people think that Australia, a land of wildlife diversity, is a place where marsupials like the kangaroo, the koala bear, and the Australian live harmoniously, we must remember that the former prison is governed by same fundamental rules that have allowed mankind to flourish: land rights. Though the kangaroo is the symbol of Australia, much like Americans have their bald eagle, the difference is one of population, and a rampant animal population demands a periodic cleansing, national animal or not.

The start of the military’s campaign to kill 6000 kangaroos was met with vows to protest from animal rights groups, who were caught off guard by the sudden news and barely had enough time to grow enraged before its commencement. The army feels that the massacre will allow endangered plants and insects in the area to grow freely, unhindered by the nuisance of too many kangaroos, or as the locals call them “giant stinking rats.”  Also, the damn things were all over the rugby field and it’s nearly training season.

The Best Job in the World

1/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

If you’ve had it with office politics and working your way up the corporate ladder, Australia has the job for you. Yes, the land down under is offering the alleged “Best Job In The World” to an international field of applicants - so what is it?

Well, one lucky employee will be whisked away to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef and asked to tackle the stressful position of Island Caretaker, where the daily grind will include going for long walks on the beach, snorkeling along the reef, and a “few minor tasks.” Not just anyone qualifies for this cushy career; all candidates must be excellent communicators in the English language (check) and good swimmers (check, if you count the doggy paddle). In addition, the happiest hired gun on the globe will have the opportunity to become a ce-web-rity as they will be asked to post weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates to the world wide webnet.

Despite being given an ample salary of $105,000 (U.S), being housed in a comfortable rent-free, three-bedroom apartment equipped with a pool and supplied with a golf buggy, there is one catch: Australia has just about every deadly animal in the world living in it’s confines. So, we have our suspicions that this is some sort of sadistic science experiment in which the Australian government is taking bets on how soon this “lucky” person is going to get stung by a box jellyfish while going for a morning snorkel. That said, sign us up.

Aussie Woman Kills Husband with Genitals Fire

1/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

A 44-year-old Australian woman is being charged with murder after botching a penis fire that caused injuries leading to her husbands death. The woman, Rajini Narayan, says that she decided to perpetrate the wang arson because she grew jealous after seeing her husband hugging another woman. In a sworn statement to police, the woman stated “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.” Narayan is now the proud possessor not only of the burnt penis she so desired, but also of a dead husband and all the associated burial costs.

The woman’s husband was sleeping when she doused his genitals with alcohol and set the area ablaze. He awoke frantically and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, spreading the flames to other items in the room. He appeared less concerned with the family heirloom linens than with his own precious heirloom (zing!), which further angered his wife.

“She’s a bitch. A crazy, penis burning bitch” said the man’s ghost, now sitting on a bench in a park that eternally experiences sunset and where the ducks never poop on the walkway. “I was the laughing stock of purgatory, but who’s laughing now?” When asked if he felt vengeful, the ghost stated “I’m not gonna sink to her level. But I do hope she grows a penis one day and someone sets it on fire.”

The Kids Really, Definitely Aren’t Alright.

11/26/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under International Affairs

A car full of teenagers has managed to set a new benchmark for ‘world’s most disaffected youth’ this week. Australian authorities were stunned on Monday when a troupe of adolescents ordered takeout—McDonalds, to be precise—and had it delivered to them at the site of a fatal car crash in which they’d just been involved.

News.com.au reports that an underage, unlicensed driver and his equally prepubescent passengers sat idly by and ate hamburgers and fries while residents near the crash struggled to help the elderly couple they’d recently killed. One awestruck witness gave his account of the strange sight: “They just stood there, and then they sat down and then someone dropped Maccas off to them.” Chilling.

Maybe it’s the fact that these kids didn’t much care about their victims being pulled out of a car by the Jaws of Life that incensed me in this story; but really, I think it’s more about the poor choice of crash site grub. Haven’t these douchebags seen Supersize Me? Perhaps this is fate, though; the effects of the horrible food will reap karmic revenge on these misfits over the next many decades, and the souls of the deceased will finally be appeased upon their cholesterol-fueled demise. God is good.

Partnership

Recent Comments

Gossip

  • The Heirs To Uga VII’s Throne

    11/20/09

    The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen.  Who will it be?
    The Search: Uga VII
    Some of us are born into greatness and some have it unexpectedly thrust upon us and never learn to deal with it, leading us to end up in rehab.  You can count the [...]

    read more…

  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
    I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

    read more…

  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
    With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

    read more…

  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
    The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
    Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

    read more…

  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

    read more…

Updates

Partnership

Stuff We’re Watching

  • http://www.vimeo.com/7235817
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6958283
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6788487

Tweet Tweet

    more tweets
     

    You need to log in to vote

    The blog owner requires users to be logged in to be able to vote for this post.

    Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.

    Powered by Vote It Up