Search the realtime web - the news, stories and videos people are talking about right now.

Posts Tagged ‘Australia’

Get the Hop Outta Australia // Military Begins Kangaroo Slayings

5/08/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

While most people think that Australia, a land of wildlife diversity, is a place where marsupials like the kangaroo, the koala bear, and the Australian live harmoniously, we must remember that the former prison is governed by same fundamental rules that have allowed mankind to flourish: land rights. Though the kangaroo is the symbol of Australia, much like Americans have their bald eagle, the difference is one of population, and a rampant animal population demands a periodic cleansing, national animal or not.

The start of the military’s campaign to kill 6000 kangaroos was met with vows to protest from animal rights groups, who were caught off guard by the sudden news and barely had enough time to grow enraged before its commencement. The army feels that the massacre will allow endangered plants and insects in the area to grow freely, unhindered by the nuisance of too many kangaroos, or as the locals call them “giant stinking rats.”  Also, the damn things were all over the rugby field and it’s nearly training season.

The Best Job in the World

1/13/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

If you’ve had it with office politics and working your way up the corporate ladder, Australia has the job for you. Yes, the land down under is offering the alleged “Best Job In The World” to an international field of applicants - so what is it?

Well, one lucky employee will be whisked away to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef and asked to tackle the stressful position of Island Caretaker, where the daily grind will include going for long walks on the beach, snorkeling along the reef, and a “few minor tasks.” Not just anyone qualifies for this cushy career; all candidates must be excellent communicators in the English language (check) and good swimmers (check, if you count the doggy paddle). In addition, the happiest hired gun on the globe will have the opportunity to become a ce-web-rity as they will be asked to post weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates to the world wide webnet.

Despite being given an ample salary of $105,000 (U.S), being housed in a comfortable rent-free, three-bedroom apartment equipped with a pool and supplied with a golf buggy, there is one catch: Australia has just about every deadly animal in the world living in it’s confines. So, we have our suspicions that this is some sort of sadistic science experiment in which the Australian government is taking bets on how soon this “lucky” person is going to get stung by a box jellyfish while going for a morning snorkel. That said, sign us up.

Aussie Woman Kills Husband with Genitals Fire

1/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

A 44-year-old Australian woman is being charged with murder after botching a penis fire that caused injuries leading to her husbands death. The woman, Rajini Narayan, says that she decided to perpetrate the wang arson because she grew jealous after seeing her husband hugging another woman. In a sworn statement to police, the woman stated “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.” Narayan is now the proud possessor not only of the burnt penis she so desired, but also of a dead husband and all the associated burial costs.

The woman’s husband was sleeping when she doused his genitals with alcohol and set the area ablaze. He awoke frantically and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, spreading the flames to other items in the room. He appeared less concerned with the family heirloom linens than with his own precious heirloom (zing!), which further angered his wife.

“She’s a bitch. A crazy, penis burning bitch” said the man’s ghost, now sitting on a bench in a park that eternally experiences sunset and where the ducks never poop on the walkway. “I was the laughing stock of purgatory, but who’s laughing now?” When asked if he felt vengeful, the ghost stated “I’m not gonna sink to her level. But I do hope she grows a penis one day and someone sets it on fire.”

The Kids Really, Definitely Aren’t Alright.

11/26/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under International Affairs

A car full of teenagers has managed to set a new benchmark for ‘world’s most disaffected youth’ this week. Australian authorities were stunned on Monday when a troupe of adolescents ordered takeout—McDonalds, to be precise—and had it delivered to them at the site of a fatal car crash in which they’d just been involved.

News.com.au reports that an underage, unlicensed driver and his equally prepubescent passengers sat idly by and ate hamburgers and fries while residents near the crash struggled to help the elderly couple they’d recently killed. One awestruck witness gave his account of the strange sight: “They just stood there, and then they sat down and then someone dropped Maccas off to them.” Chilling.

Maybe it’s the fact that these kids didn’t much care about their victims being pulled out of a car by the Jaws of Life that incensed me in this story; but really, I think it’s more about the poor choice of crash site grub. Haven’t these douchebags seen Supersize Me? Perhaps this is fate, though; the effects of the horrible food will reap karmic revenge on these misfits over the next many decades, and the souls of the deceased will finally be appeased upon their cholesterol-fueled demise. God is good.

Partnership

Recent Comments

  • Jac63 November 7, 2009 8:13 am Gee, sounds allot like the poem 23. Get yours Will your S.S. pay for a tank of gas?...
  • Candy November 5, 2009 10:08 am Very fast shipping - cute top uggs boots on sale!
  • Candy November 5, 2009 10:07 am Beautiful and comfortable uggs boots on sale. Thanks for the fast service.
  • Candy November 5, 2009 10:06 am Very nice, merchandise as described- I recommend the uggs boots on sale seller.
  • Candy November 5, 2009 10:05 am LOVE IT Beautiful. Thank you for all you have done. uggs boots on sale

Gossip

  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

    read more…

  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

    read more…

  • With Great Power Comes Great Twesponsibility

    10/15/09

    Last night, thousands of status updates were sent out into the Twittersphere by concerned individuals who believed they were passing on an Amber Alert for a three year old boy. Descriptions of the perp’s Mitsubishi Eclipse and license plate spread like wildfire, and #98B351 quickly became a trending topic. Not long after, celebrity @KhloeKardashian retweeted [...]

    read more…

  • Jon and Kate Plus Eight Minus Jon

    9/29/09

    Bad news, Ed Hardy fans: it’s been scientifically (read: conditionally) proven (read: suggested) that wearing the brand 24/7 will ruin your career. At least, that’s what it—coupled with a series of other bad decisions—did for Jon Gosselin. The horrific fashion victim, best known for his appearances on the reality program Jon and Kate Plus [...]

    read more…

  • Imma Let U Finish But Kim Was the Most Famous Kardashian of ALL TIME

    9/24/09

    It’s kind of unfair: pro basketball players are typically ginormous, but they’re always hanging out with diminutive cheerleaders, models and actresses. While we fully support the concept of giving the spoils to the victors (did you see our sweet news coverage, by the way?), it’s nice to know that at least one monolithic baller is [...]

    read more…

Updates

Partnership

Stuff We’re Watching

  • http://www.vimeo.com/7235817
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6958283
  • http://www.vimeo.com/6788487

Tweet Tweet

    more tweets
     

    You need to log in to vote

    The blog owner requires users to be logged in to be able to vote for this post.

    Alternatively, if you do not have an account yet you can create one here.

    Powered by Vote It Up