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Posts Tagged ‘Cars’

$31,400 Big Ones are Gone With the Wind

5/15/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under OneRiot News

A convertible seems like an easy enough machine to operate without express, detailed instructions. But this is the wrong perception. Lacking an “idiot shield,” sometimes also referred to as a “roof,” this automobile can be tricky.

Case in point: A 23 year old German man, described as “not an experienced convertible driver,” took an Audi A3 Cabriolet out on the road for a test drive.  Having watched one too many Geico commercials, he set a stack of $31,400 (minus eyes),  meant to purchase the car, on his back seat to remind himself how much he could have saved on his last car insurance.  Then he took to the open road.
As the laws of physics could have predicted, the money flew out and scattered. Police were called and the road was shut off. After a half an hour of searching, $27,300 was recovered. The rest was left on the side of the street for some lucky bum to find, as part of the He Should’ve Known Better tax.

Sparks at Talledega Superspeedway

4/27/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

Proving the old adage that it’s probably not a great idea to get too close to a car when it’s careening around a track at speeds in excess of 180 mph, seven people sustained injuries this weekend at the Talladega Superspeedway, when on the final lap of the Aaron’s 499 Carl Edwards’ vehicle caught some air and slammed into the safety fence, spraying some jagged auto debris into the excited audience. The crowd, who had most likely been waiting for some fireworks of that nature, finally got what they had been waiting for after Brad Keselowski sent the race leader’s car airborne with a high speed nudge and a wink.

One person was said to have sustained life threatening trauma while some other injuries included a broken jaw and cut on the mouth. Luckily, for the other fans on hand, the safety fence was just strong enough to hold the car back from flying into the stands and smooshing a bunch of ‘em. Fast times, ladies and gents, fast times.

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop // Sex Hits the Highway

4/14/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under International Affairs

If Fast & Furious producers had any trouble determining a premise for the series’ next flick, their prayers have been answered (and slapped with an R-rating). An ambitious couple was arrested in Oslo for apparently doing the dirty at a whopping 133km/h—sexing speeds that, until now, were pretty much relegated to Japanese bullet trains, passenger aircraft, and Jason Statham.

Superintendent Tor Stein Hagen (unrelated to our editor, Carmel Hagen, we think) suggested that he’d never witnessed something so illegal yet so provocative in all his years on the force. District police decided the most appropriate action was to revoke the driver’s license, mostly due to the fact that while performing the act of copulation, “He couldn’t see much [of the road] because her back was in the way.” On behalf of the male portion of OneRiot’s staff, we agree with the sentencing, but believe someone owes this couple a high five.

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Gossip

  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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  • Jackson Biography Draws the Attention of Hollywood & Interweb

    10/28/09

    In a triumphant posthumous return to the trending topics, Michael Jackson reared his beautifully-singing head on the social web when chatter about the release of his film biography reminded everyone just how influential his passing was. The new picture documents the life of the icon, along with (very) recent footage of Jackson prepping for his [...]

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  • With Great Power Comes Great Twesponsibility

    10/15/09

    Last night, thousands of status updates were sent out into the Twittersphere by concerned individuals who believed they were passing on an Amber Alert for a three year old boy. Descriptions of the perp’s Mitsubishi Eclipse and license plate spread like wildfire, and #98B351 quickly became a trending topic. Not long after, celebrity @KhloeKardashian retweeted [...]

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  • Jon and Kate Plus Eight Minus Jon

    9/29/09

    Bad news, Ed Hardy fans: it’s been scientifically (read: conditionally) proven (read: suggested) that wearing the brand 24/7 will ruin your career. At least, that’s what it—coupled with a series of other bad decisions—did for Jon Gosselin. The horrific fashion victim, best known for his appearances on the reality program Jon and Kate Plus [...]

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  • Imma Let U Finish But Kim Was the Most Famous Kardashian of ALL TIME

    9/24/09

    It’s kind of unfair: pro basketball players are typically ginormous, but they’re always hanging out with diminutive cheerleaders, models and actresses. While we fully support the concept of giving the spoils to the victors (did you see our sweet news coverage, by the way?), it’s nice to know that at least one monolithic baller is [...]

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