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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Nike Knows How to Jam (Again)

12/23/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics
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The Story: Who doesn’t want to own a pair of Air Jordans?  Lucky for us, they’re being re-released.

The Search: Air Jordan

We at OneRiot like sneakers. They protect our feet from the elements, their heights are measured in the same increments as fan speeds, and they keep the shoelace industry going. We didn’t realize that our enjoyment of sneakers does not compare to the love shown by fans of former super athlete-current underwear spokesman Michael Jordan. While original VHS copies of his film with the now deceased Bugs Bunny go for about a dollar at the thrift shop, the kicks he rocked in that film are some of the most sought after items this holiday season, as Nike re-released the Air Jordan 11.

Though we don’t have 175 bucks to burn on an article of clothing, we would spend our life savings on a couple of items from the movies.

The Three Seashells from Demolition Man
What the hell do they do??? We’ve been scratching our heads for years trying to figure out how citizens of a Utopian future use three little seashells to clean their bungholes.

Grappling Hook from Batman
We’re ashamed to admit that we probably wouldn’t use this to fight crime. After a few weeks of scaling abandoned houses, we bet it’ll end up serving as a easily installed laundry wire. (more…)

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Don’t Be a Bad Santa

12/23/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

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The Story: Don’t be a grinch and skimp on the gifts.  Here are some you should avoid buying at all costs.

The Search: Christmas Gifts

The final hours are dwindling down to that magical moment when you and your family will be gathered by the tree on Christmas morning eagerly awaiting what rewards being on Santa’s nice list and continuing your strained familial relationships hath wrought.  We know you don’t want to spend too much loot on those who rarely factor into your lives even if they are family, but it is Christmas.  So while you’re naturally inclined to wait to the last second to fill the stockings of those who matter the least, there are some lame gifts that defy poor judgment as shining beacons of just how little effort you felt like putting into the giving season.  The following are a few examples of gifts that no one will be thankful for receiving.

screen-shot-2009-12-23-at-54106-pmInternet Address Organizer- In the postal age address books were thoughtful tokens for those less-organized friends who you couldn’t stand to be out of touch with.  Buying someone an Internet Address organizer hints that not only are you wholly unfamiliar with the Internet and its ability to save information such as email addresses, but you probably haven’t the slightest idea nor do you care about any of the likes and dislikes of said gift recipient to buy them something so impersonal and pointless.  Nothing says, “I didn’t really want to get you anything” quite like an Internet Address Organizer.

screen-shot-2009-12-23-at-54111-pmFancy Coat Hangers- As someone who has received the gift of coat hangers as a holiday present, I can unequivocally state that they are in no way worthy of the feigned “thanks” you’d ultimately have to bestow upon he/she who was convinced by QVC hosts that they are a wonderfully practical idea for a present.  That being said, I still have my coat hangers, I’m just not happy about them as a gift. (more…)

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Last Minute Recipes for a Festive Holiday

12/18/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Hot Topics

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It’s pretty much fact that we’re all going to pack on some pounds this holiday season.  Shouldn’t those calories be worth it?  Why settle for ho-hum same ol’ dinner every year when you can spice it up with some new classics?  Hop on over to FoodiePulse for gooey desserts, adventurous wines, recipes and gourmet goodies from the net’s yummiest destinations on the web.  Even better, the updates are sent in a constant stream directly to your twitter account. We’ve picked out some of our favorite seasonal treats to get this holiday rockin’ in style:

screen-shot-2009-12-18-at-53942-pm1Wow your friends and family with some delish’ recipes, and when it’s all over you can jump on over to PulseOnFitness and get started on your New Year’s work out routine….but until then, we say indulge!

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Range of Mangers

12/15/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

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The Story: Not all nativity scenes are created equal.

The Search: Nativity Scene

As Christians around the world prepare to celebrate the birth of their lord less than two weeks from today, many have set up manger scenes of the Baby Jesus.  Though this denotes a joyous occasion, it’s to be noted that not all cultures see Jesus as their savior.  For Star Wars fans, the savior is Luke Skywalker, for Tom Cruise it’s L.Ron Hubbard, and for some Colombians, Jesus is the son of the local druglord who was showered with gifts such as guns, cocaine, and myrrh (though whomever brought the myrrh was shot out back and fed to the wild dogs) upon birth.  Seeing as the Internet is a melting pot of any and all cultures; a front lawn for the tech-savvy, it’s a more than reasonable expectation that there would be various permutations of Christianity’s famous manger scene depicting the three wise men’s visitation co-opted to fit the beliefs of other cultures or by those with entirely too much time on their hands.  Here are a few favorites we found:

Some people subscribe to a school of thought that Dinosaurs and man co-existed.  This manger scene is for those people.

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This manger scene by Flickr User Larry Lars provides a double dose of dorkyness (the good kind) combining Star Wars Fandom with Lego ingenuity.

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Tis’ the Season of Change

12/14/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: The Obama family is making changes, and of course we have our own suggestions for a national direction to a better, brighter future.

The Search: Obama Christmas Concert

This year we get to see, for the first time, what Christmas is like in the Obama White House. In addition to some classing up as per the wishes of first lady Michelle Obama, the annual Christmas concert got a line-up revamp. The bizarre mix of artists included Neil Diamond, YouTube celebrity Justin Bieber, and washed up former frontman Rob Thomas. In trying to decipher some sort of logic in this roster, the crew at OneRiot experienced not one but four aneurysms before discovering that this is all part of the Obama stimulus package. Reintroducing the public to classic stars, bolstering new mediums for fame, and resurrecting the zombie corpse of a horrible musical act from our past that just won’t die are all ways in which our President is massaging our brains and making us better. We’re liking this direction and happen to have a few similar suggestions of our own.

Soccer
One of Obama’s central missions is to reorient America with the world as a gentle giant and not as a tyrannical robot monster with machine guns for eyes, regular guns for teeth, and regular machines for fists. One way to achieve this is by tactfully removing us from the bubble of sports that are only popular in the US and nudging the population towards a more universal, albeit far less masculine, alternative. Soccer is loved all over the world, and it’s about time we jumped on the bandwagon. We’re not wearing those wack tube socks though. Just regular socks. With skulls on them. (more…)

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Christmas Lights Music Sync

12/08/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Videos
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OneRiot’s Guide to Holiday Parties

12/02/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

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The Story: Holiday Parties don’t have to just be about stagnant punch and “Jingle Bells” on track repeat.  Let OneRiot give you a few tips on how to spice up your wintery get-together.

The Search: Holidays

December is at long last upon us and tis’ the season to throw a major rager full of yuletide cheer and crisp cool beer…or if you prefer, hot toddies.  If you’re concocting a party plan along to go along with some holiday punch with extra kick; we at OneRiot have some suggestions on how to make your annual winter gala one for the ages.

Dress for the occasion- We all have that one horrible sweater with reindeer on it that needs considerable dusting off in mid-December before it succumbs to the annual wear and tear of egg nog spills.  Break it out.

Make A Proper Holiday Mix- Start your evening off with some classic winter tunes along the lines of Dean Martin’s- “Baby It’s Cold Outside” and around an hour and a half in when people are starting to get antsy and dancy spring “Do They Know It’s Christmas” and Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” before it turns into a full on 80’s dance party.

Rent A Copying Machine- If you’re having a holiday party and don’t have a copying machine, you’re really missing out.  The room where the copier is the equivalent of a bedroom on MTV Cribs.  It’s where the holiday magic happens. (more…)

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Letters to a Rotund Holiday Fellow

11/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: The North Pole’s Letters to Santa program has been canceled.  OneRiot provides a template of how to address your letters now that Santa won’t be writing you back.

The Search: Letters to Santa

While Americans may be willing to let advertising, competitive gifting, unrestrained consumerism, fiscal irresponsibility, and heated battles over limited release gift items taint our sacred winter holiday, the US Postal Service is putting a stop to a program they believe could be detrimental to our children. As the result of one of the volunteers being a registered sex offender, the USPS has decided to cancel the Letters to Santa program based in the town of North Pole, Alaska. For years, the town of North Pole has assembled a civilian army to tackle the task of responding to children who write to Santa Claus, a rotund man in his later years who spends most of the year in seclusion building toys for children to whom he has no relation and then sneaking into these children’s homes on Christmas eve. The program may be the biggest orchestrated lie in the history of humankind, allowing parents to keep their children in an ignorant and blissful stupor of delusion. We can thank the USPS for lifting the veil.

Now that children will be forced to exit their cushy, Nerf-encased pretend world and address the issue of Christmas and the receipt of gifts like informed adults, we at OneRiot are compelled to provide a template for what your Santa letters ought to look like.

Dear Sir or Madam,

This is a letter of request for several items that I wish to receive for maintaining positive and acceptable behavior in the fiscal year ending December 2009. Below I have highlighted examples of said demeanor, each corresponding to an appropriate reward. I would like to note that I am refraining from referring to you by the fictional moniker of Santa Claus, as I recognize that this character does not exist. If it would please you to be referred to as Santa by an irreverent and starry eyed youngster such as myself, please inform me and I will resume addressing you as such.
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