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Posts Tagged ‘Crime’

Something’s Fowl in Connecticut

1/22/10 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: The race is on to catch a local Goose murderer before he strikes down another feathered friend.

The Search: Goose Murder

A Connecticut town is in shock following the willful and intentional killing of one of their local population. The murder of Big Boy the Goose left the animal crushed and lying in a heap in the middle of the road with a note attached to its body. Now, detectives, linguists, and investigators of all calibers are attempting to decipher the bizarre and cryptic message. “Killed with intent. How pathetic we are as a species.”

Homicide Detective Arthur Foupa, Meriden Police Dept.
Lacerations around the feet and drumstick area of the victim suggest there was a brief pursuit, followed by a struggle that ensued at bodily contact. Whoever did this hated geese, not necessarily this goose. The note suggests that the killer is speaking as a goose and referring the the goose species as pathetic. An artificial feather found 200 yards from the scene suggest the killer may even have been dressed as a goose while committing the murder. Other evidence shows tha… I’m sorry. This case is difficult for me to discuss, as Big Boy was a close personal friend of mine. We are doing all we ca…(sob) Excuse me. I’m…I’m…this press conference is over. (more…)

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America’s Least Most Wanted

1/12/10 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

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The Story: A new perpetrator is on the loose, but instead of holding you at gunpoint, he’s holding you in a warm embrace.

The Search: Georgetown Cuddler

In this day and age of International terrorism and  ponzi schemes that leave people both morally and financially bankrupt, it’s somewhat nice to hear of a crime where nobody gets hurt even if there is a certain creepy factor involved.  This past Sunday a D.C.-area woman awoke to find a strange man who obviously didn’t get enough positive reinforcement as a child, in bed with her getting his spoon on. Her reasonable reaction to this uncomfortable situation was to scream and flee the scene.  Police have yet to catch this burglar of nighttime embraces just yet, but they say his M.O. sounds strikingly similar to that of the “Georgetown Cuddler” (not making this up), which we think sounds much nicer than “Zodiac Killer” or “Son of Sam.”  While we admit there is nothing too desirable about waking up with a strange person in your bed when that act has not been aided by last evening’s alcoholic intake, the name of said deviant has awakened in us a need to think up a few less menacing monikers for slightly more benign practitioners of “crime.”  So without further ado our idea of the lowest on the list of America’s Most Wanted:

The Boston Breakfast In Bed Bandit- Similar to the “Georgetown Cuddler” the “Boston Breakfast In Bed Bandit” breaks into your house.  However, his hands are only put to use in the kitchen instead of your torso as he deftly makes use of anything and everything in your kitchen to prepare for you a dazzling five-star breakfast in bed.  The only downside is by the time he’s done, you have to go food shopping again.

Seattle’s Stealth Stylist- This clandestine criminal works just as well under the cover of night as he/she does during the day to give unsuspecting citizens total style makeovers.  Police have a few leads and have narrowed the suspects down to the out of work Queer Eye guys and castoffs of Bravo’s “Shear Genius” series. (more…)

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Gramps on the Run

1/07/10 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

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The Story:  A useful guide to nabbing geriatric criminals.

The Search: Wolff Ditch

One would think being constantly on the verge of death is a big enough thrill for the elderly, but sometimes the aged grow bored of simply stretching the amount of bungee cord mother nature has allotted them and need to test its elasticity in other ways.  Senior citizens Benjamin (79) and Jane Wolff (72) are hoping they’ve been given enough rope to stay out of the reach of the long arm of the law.  These aging criminal masterminds are wanted for spending days on end, eating brownies and boring hotel patrons with yarns about olden days when pop cost a nickel, before skipping out on the exorbitant bill for their temporary residence. Assuming senility wasn’t the motive for failure to pay, this ancient modern-day Bonnie & Clyde act have pulled this scam several times over, leaving several inns in the New England area reeling in their wake from financial hardship. The fuzz is hot on this Wolff pack’s tail as they have the couple’s license plate number and have pretty much ruled out the possibility of engaging in a high speed chase due to the couple’s likely penchant for traveling 45mph or less in a 60 mph zone.  That being said, we here at OneRiot don’t want to leave anything to chance that these devious delinquents escape without having to experience the harsh reality of prison life in their declining years, so we’ve formulated the following traps to help police nab the troublesome duo.

The Early-bird Special- New England-area police should mandate a state-wide “early-bird special” with dinner specials beginning at 3:30pm at all restaurants with undercover police officers scouring the parking lots.

All Roads Lead To Florida- Install new highway signs pointing to Florida that actually lead to the local police station. All old people are looking to eventually end up in Florida.  It’s like their version of the Mexican border.

Strategically Placed Fixodent and Depends- By placing these typical purchases of the elderly where they are most likely to be shoplifted and filling them with purple dye packs like those put in the bags of bank robbers, any old folks scamming their essentials will be caught purple-handed. (more…)

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Steven Green is Sorry to be Steven Green

5/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

Steven Green, a disgraced ex-US soldier, is no doubt thankful that he narrowly escaped the death penalty for his crime of raping a 14-year-old girl and murdering her, her parents and her 6-year-old sister in the town of Yusufiya in 2006.

Rather than keep quiet and accept his punishment for committing such a heinous crime, Green had the gall to apologize for his extremely deplorable action. It remains unclear who he was apologizing to, as he had most likely raped and killed anyone that bore the brunt of his actions. In any case, it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong and a much smaller man to rape and kill someone’s entire family and then two years later decide that it was probably a bad idea when faced with the prospect of life in prison. Way to go Green - have fun in the shower.

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Butt Bandit Nabs $120,00O Worth of Cigarettes

5/14/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

A new terror is stalking the storefronts of Jefferson County, Colorado, where authorities have caught wind of a local evildoer with an unquenchable craving for committing crime. This new breed of thief isn’t in it for the pleasure of pilfering, rather his propensity for engaging in the unsavory act is driven by a not-so-unique addiction.

For the last two years, the Nighttime Nicotine Ninja has burgled over 100 local businesses and stolen over $120,000 in cancer sticks while leaving other in-stock items, most curiously Slim-Jims, untouched. While police have plenty of footage of this butt bandit clad in black from head to toe, they’ve yet to garner any leads as to the identity of the habitual heist mastermind. With a limited description of the burglar circulating, police are on the hunt for someone with eyes that likes to smoke a lot.  Area bosses are being encouraged to narc out any employee who seems to be taking smoke breaks too frequently and who appear none too put out when someone tries to bum a cig.

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Stripping Cougar Slashed by Jelousy (and a Stiletto)

4/21/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Hot Topics

Imagine this: A pulsing beat drums faintly in the background as two saucy strippers primp and prepare to take the neon. The xxx rated women are rivals at the local strip joint, and both are fighting to be the top dog. One’s an old talent, the other a fresh face eager to entertain on her first night on the job.  Tensions are high as the music begins to get louder. Their spray on tans glistening under the strobe lights, and long legs accentuated with their stiletto heels. Then, disaster strikes. This gentleman’s club ain’t big enough for the both of him, as the vixen veteran, upset with having to share the spotlight, rips off her pointy heeled shoe and begins to rabidly attack the newbie’s face with the shoe. (We’ll then indulge our gentleman readers and assume that this lead to intense hair pulling, scratching, and of course wrestling in pudding.)

While one may think that this is the plot for a low budget x-rated film, it was in fact a reality that took place the other day in Akron, Ohio. Police were called to the scene, and the victim was treated at the local hospital with seven staples all induced by multiple heel attacks to the face. Ouch.

Men: while we’d like to think that this scenario indulged your strip club-beatdown fantasies more than anything before it, we would also like to add that one of the strippers was 52 years old. So unless cougars are your thing… wait - did I just hear your dreams shattering?

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Greyhound Decapitator in the Clear

3/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

The mysterious appeal of bus travel seemed to lose a great deal of luster last summer when Chinese immigrant Vince Li was arrested in Canada for decapitating a fellow passenger and subsequently cannibalizing his corpse on a Greyhound bus en route to Winnipeg. The Canadian justice system similarly lost some of it’s sheen this afternoon after ruling that the slayer who carried out the grisly killing was indeed too sick in the head to be held criminally accountable.

While Li is expected to undergo years of counseling for slicing up his fellow passenger, jail time doesn’t appear to be in the cards for the Manitoba Massacrer. In the meantime, nearly every passenger taking public transportation is taking great pains to ensure they don’t fall asleep and fall victim to that creepy guy who decided to sidle up next to them despite the fact there’s two empty seats three rows away.

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4-Year-Old Breaks into Toy Store

12/16/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

In attempts to substitute money for love, plenty of parents are spending top dollar this holiday season to ensure that their children have the latest, greatest gifts in this time of recession. Well, if one child’s actions are any indication, they’ve got it all wrong.

A four-year old Beaumont, Texas boy busted into a Family Dollar establishment at 3am on Monday morning to play with some cheap knick-knacks before setting off the store’s silent burglar alarm. The unaccompanied minor sneaked out of his parents home and crossed a multi-lane street in the dead of night to get to the store, but he didn’t need to use his elite nose or lock-picking skills to force entry into the establishment. One of store’s doors had been left unsealed, giving the toddler easy access to countless cheap curios, not to mention an unlimited supply of cheese balls.

Exactly what toy the boy broke in to get is still unknown, but the makers of Rub My Stomach Schmelmo are crossing their fingers the incident boosts their Christmas sales to astronomical levels. The thieving tyke is presently in the custody of other relatives as his parents have proven to be not so hot at the whole “ensuring the safety of your child” thing.

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Jewel Heists are Such a Drag

12/05/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

Not since Brigitte Nielsen in Beverly Hills Cop 2 has their been such a bold jewelry robbery carried out by men in drag as that which occurred earlier today at the Harry Winston store located near Paris’ Champs-Elysees.

According to authorities, four robbers (two dressed as women) swept into the famed jeweler’s City of Lights location just round the corner from the police precinct and nabbed an array of luxury rings, necklaces and watches from the display cases. The heist itself looked to be a well researched affair as the robbers seemed to know where some of the secret stashes were and even knew the names of the staff people, prompting speculation that this could either be an inside job or that Harry Winston is the Cheers of jewelry stores. All in all, the crooks, who are suspected of being a highly professional Ocean’s Eleven-esque band of French or European bandits, got away with an estimated $102 million in loot, making it the largest thievery of it’s kind, perhaps in the history of France.

One shocked customer was overheard saying that this never would’ve happened if he had went to Jared.

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Gimme Drugs, Man!

12/01/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Hot Topics

We’ve all been there before: straddling the big yellow line between Mexico and the Land of the Free, stomach brimming with heroin balloons and a trunk full of Costa Rican mota.* And although the traditional smuggling methods will get you past the average cowboy-hat-wearin’, M16-totin’ border guard, there are some officials that simply beg to be taken for a ride (as indicated by their votes for Sarah Palin). Enter the latest exploration into bizarre and inventive contraband importation schemes, courtesy of Cracked.

Take for example the time Mexican border patrol officers discovered a real live emigrant woman tucked safely into the dashboard of a car, staring complacently out the glove box. Or perhaps you’re more impressed by the giant submarines confiscated while tugging 11 tons of cocaine 300 feet below the surface. But maybe, just maybe, you’re one of the unlucky folks who accidentally overdosed on anabolic steroids in the midst of a sensual romp using some of that trusty Gay Sex Lube you ordered from Thailand. They say it works wonders…when it’s real! Regardless, I think it’s safe to say that though we may all need our fix now and then, the measures international smugglers are going to just to get them to us are starting to reach facepalm-silly levels.

*I guess we haven’t all been there, per se. But we’ve all seen Maria Full of Grace; am I right?

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