Crime | Blog.OneRiot.com - Blogging the Pulse of the Web

Steven Green is Sorry to be Steven Green

5/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

Steven Green, a disgraced ex-US soldier, is no doubt thankful that he narrowly escaped the death penalty for his crime of raping a 14-year-old girl and murdering her, her parents and her 6-year-old sister in the town of Yusufiya in 2006.

Rather than keep quiet and accept his punishment for committing such a heinous crime, Green had the gall to apologize for his extremely deplorable action. It remains unclear who he was apologizing to, as he had most likely raped and killed anyone that bore the brunt of his actions. In any case, it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong and a much smaller man to rape and kill someone’s entire family and then two years later decide that it was probably a bad idea when faced with the prospect of life in prison. Way to go Green - have fun in the shower.

Tags: Crime, US

Butt Bandit Nabs $120,00O Worth of Cigarettes

5/14/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

A new terror is stalking the storefronts of Jefferson County, Colorado, where authorities have caught wind of a local evildoer with an unquenchable craving for committing crime. This new breed of thief isn’t in it for the pleasure of pilfering, rather his propensity for engaging in the unsavory act is driven by a not-so-unique addiction.

For the last two years, the Nighttime Nicotine Ninja has burgled over 100 local businesses and stolen over $120,000 in cancer sticks while leaving other in-stock items, most curiously Slim-Jims, untouched. While police have plenty of footage of this butt bandit clad in black from head to toe, they’ve yet to garner any leads as to the identity of the habitual heist mastermind. With a limited description of the burglar circulating, police are on the hunt for someone with eyes that likes to smoke a lot. Area bosses are being encouraged to narc out any employee who seems to be taking smoke breaks too frequently and who appear none too put out when someone tries to bum a cig.

Tags: Colorado, Crime

Stripping Cougar Slashed by Jelousy (and a Stiletto)

4/21/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Because We Feel Like it

Imagine this: A pulsing beat drums faintly in the background as two saucy strippers primp and prepare to take the neon. The xxx rated women are rivals at the local strip joint, and both are fighting to be the top dog. One’s an old talent, the other a fresh face eager to entertain on her first night on the job. Tensions are high as the music begins to get louder. Their spray on tans glistening under the strobe lights, and long legs accentuated with their stiletto heels. Then, disaster strikes. This gentleman’s club ain’t big enough for the both of him, as the vixen veteran, upset with having to share the spotlight, rips off her pointy heeled shoe and begins to rabidly attack the newbie’s face with the shoe. (We’ll then indulge our gentleman readers and assume that this lead to intense hair pulling, scratching, and of course wrestling in pudding.)

While one may think that this is the plot for a low budget x-rated film, it was in fact a reality that took place the other day in Akron, Ohio. Police were called to the scene, and the victim was treated at the local hospital with seven staples all induced by multiple heel attacks to the face. Ouch.

Men: while we’d like to think that this scenario indulged your strip club-beatdown fantasies more than anything before it, we would also like to add that one of the strippers was 52 years old. So unless cougars are your thing… wait - did I just hear your dreams shattering?

Tags: Crime, Ohio, Strippers

Greyhound Decapitator in the Clear

3/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

The mysterious appeal of bus travel seemed to lose a great deal of luster last summer when Chinese immigrant Vince Li was arrested in Canada for decapitating a fellow passenger and subsequently cannibalizing his corpse on a Greyhound bus en route to Winnipeg. The Canadian justice system similarly lost some of it’s sheen this afternoon after ruling that the slayer who carried out the grisly killing was indeed too sick in the head to be held criminally accountable.

While Li is expected to undergo years of counseling for slicing up his fellow passenger, jail time doesn’t appear to be in the cards for the Manitoba Massacrer. In the meantime, nearly every passenger taking public transportation is taking great pains to ensure they don’t fall asleep and fall victim to that creepy guy who decided to sidle up next to them despite the fact there’s two empty seats three rows away.

Tags: Crime, Public Transportation

4-Year-Old Breaks into Toy Store

12/16/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it

In attempts to substitute money for love, plenty of parents are spending top dollar this holiday season to ensure that their children have the latest, greatest gifts in this time of recession. Well, if one child’s actions are any indication, they’ve got it all wrong.

A four-year old Beaumont, Texas boy busted into a Family Dollar establishment at 3am on Monday morning to play with some cheap knick-knacks before setting off the store’s silent burglar alarm. The unaccompanied minor sneaked out of his parents home and crossed a multi-lane street in the dead of night to get to the store, but he didn’t need to use his elite nose or lock-picking skills to force entry into the establishment. One of store’s doors had been left unsealed, giving the toddler easy access to countless cheap curios, not to mention an unlimited supply of cheese balls.

Exactly what toy the boy broke in to get is still unknown, but the makers of Rub My Stomach Schmelmo are crossing their fingers the incident boosts their Christmas sales to astronomical levels. The thieving tyke is presently in the custody of other relatives as his parents have proven to be not so hot at the whole “ensuring the safety of your child” thing.

Tags: Badassness, Crime, Kids, Toys

Jewel Heists are Such a Drag

12/05/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it, International Affairs

Not since Brigitte Nielsen in Beverly Hills Cop 2 has their been such a bold jewelry robbery carried out by men in drag as that which occurred earlier today at the Harry Winston store located near Paris’ Champs-Elysees.

According to authorities, four robbers (two dressed as women) swept into the famed jeweler’s City of Lights location just round the corner from the police precinct and nabbed an array of luxury rings, necklaces and watches from the display cases. The heist itself looked to be a well researched affair as the robbers seemed to know where some of the secret stashes were and even knew the names of the staff people, prompting speculation that this could either be an inside job or that Harry Winston is the Cheers of jewelry stores. All in all, the crooks, who are suspected of being a highly professional Ocean’s Eleven-esque band of French or European bandits, got away with an estimated $102 million in loot, making it the largest thievery of it’s kind, perhaps in the history of France.

One shocked customer was overheard saying that this never would’ve happened if he had went to Jared.

Tags: Crime, France, Jewelry, Paris

Gimme Drugs, Man!

12/01/08 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Because We Feel Like it

We’ve all been there before: straddling the big yellow line between Mexico and the Land of the Free, stomach brimming with heroin balloons and a trunk full of Costa Rican mota.* And although the traditional smuggling methods will get you past the average cowboy-hat-wearin’, M16-totin’ border guard, there are some officials that simply beg to be taken for a ride (as indicated by their votes for Sarah Palin). Enter the latest exploration into bizarre and inventive contraband importation schemes, courtesy of Cracked.

Take for example the time Mexican border patrol officers discovered a real live emigrant woman tucked safely into the dashboard of a car, staring complacently out the glove box. Or perhaps you’re more impressed by the giant submarines confiscated while tugging 11 tons of cocaine 300 feet below the surface. But maybe, just maybe, you’re one of the unlucky folks who accidentally overdosed on anabolic steroids in the midst of a sensual romp using some of that trusty Gay Sex Lube you ordered from Thailand. They say it works wonders…when it’s real! Regardless, I think it’s safe to say that though we may all need our fix now and then, the measures international smugglers are going to just to get them to us are starting to reach facepalm-silly levels.

*I guess we haven’t all been there, per se. But we’ve all seen Maria Full of Grace; am I right?

Tags: Crime, Drug Smuggling, Drugs, Inspiration

Typical Myspace Photo Called Criminal

11/24/08 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under US

Attention all slutty and desperate high school girls: Thinking of taking nudie pictures of yourself and sending them to your classmates? Think again! A 15-year-old in Newark, Ohio has just been arrested after giving her fellow students an extra-saucy photo text, and she’s going to pay for it.

The tween was arrested Friday and held over the weekend where authorities have filed felony charges to the of “Illegal use of a minor in nudity-oriented material and possession of criminal tools.” If you were one of the select who got to see the little lady in her birthday suite, don’t think you’re off the hook. Authorities are considering pressing charges against those students who received the pictures.

Let this be a lesson to all those kids with aspirations of whoring: Keep your clothes on and the cameras off until you’re at least 18.

Tags: Cell Phones, Crime, Teenagers

One We’ll Run Without Pictures

11/19/08 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under US

Conflicting stories have emerged from an 8-year-old Arizona boy who has been charged with two counts of murder, one of the victims being his own father.

In a police interview, the boy initially said that he had found tenant Timothy Romans and his father Vincent Romero dead when he returned home from school. Throughout the interview, the boy’s accounts of the shootings continuously changed to display different levels of involvement. At one point he said that he came to find his father already shot, and shot him once more to keep him from suffering. He then shot Romans because “he was shaking.” Finally, he admitted to shooting the men each multiple times, reloading the .22-caliber rifle when necessary. When asked what he was thinking after he admitted to the shooting, the boy said “That I’m going to juvie.” The boy did add that he was upset with his father because of a spanking he had received.

His father was an avid hunter and wanted to make sure the boy wasn’t afraid of guns and knew how to handle them. Previously, Romero had contacted a Roman Catholic priest about whether the boy was ready to learn about guns. The boy and father would use the rifle to hunt small game like prairie dogs.
The 8 year old admitted to police that he would play with guns in the house in his father’s absence.

The shootings occurred last Wednesday.

Tags: Child Psychology, Crime, WTF

430 Pounds of Freedom

11/17/08 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Health

Michael Lapointe, a prisoner convicted for drug-trafficking, gangsterism, and conspiracy, was released from prison early after serving only 25 months.

Lapointe, or “Big Mike” as he was referred to in jail, weighed nearly 430 pounds, and was released early because the prison could not accommodate his large frame. The Quebec Parole Board was concerned about his health, and not being able to facilitate his needs as a larger man. When arrested he weighed 375 pounds, and blames the approx. 50 pound weight gain on the poor prison diet.

Don’t they have mandatory “work-out” time in the slammer? Just sayin….

Tags: Crime, Obesity

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