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Posts Tagged ‘Economy’

Teens Losing (Less of) It on Prom Night

5/20/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While many of us remember senior prom as our final carefree romp before entering the hellish real world, the class of 2009 is under a bit more pressure to keep the cost down. The dress, the flowers, the meth, the limo, and the ticket itself can add up to quite a bundle, and mom and dad have woes of their own. I mean, look at dad. Ever since he got laid off he just sits in the garage in that tattered bathrobe varnishing that disfigured piece of drift wood over and over again. It’s kind of disturbing, really.

Anyhow, while some fret about the lost luster of the momentous end-of-innocence celebration, plenty of enterprising teenagers are taking back the prom by being resourceful. Some have decided to skip the fancy venue and rent out an old folks home instead (i would say ’senior’ but that would get confusing). Many have decided to skip the limo in favor of driving or quickly walking to the event. Rather than going all out on the dress and the hair, girls are borrowing items or making them out of discarded burlap.

Many whose family’s are so strapped that they couldn’t afford prom tickets were desperate for a solution, which thankfully emerged in the form of an alternative event sponsored by a local seafood processing plant, aptly titled ‘Prawn 2009′.

Busts 4 Justice Fight for a Fair Priced Rack

5/08/09 - Posted by Mara Siegler under Health, International Affairs

Marks & Spencer, a British retailer akin to Macy’s, has been charging more for larger bras in a clear display of prejudice against big breasts. The bigotry of the country towards large-meloned lasses is a well documented and embarrassing historical footnote, along the lines of its former irrational hatred towards other things men love such as booze, sports, easy women (of any size boob), and being given money for free. In more recent years however, many have stood up and supported D-cups, fighting for their right to get married and adopt children.

Facebook group Busts 4 Justice is just one such Huge Tits Rights support groups, and has been working on an arduous, full-nipped campaign to get the department store to lower its prices on tent-sized lingerie for a year. Finally, today, they have clinched a victory in the fight for pricing equality for all! Marks & Spencer has agreed to eliminate a surcharge on it’s DD and up sizes and even took out a full page ad, solemnly and poignantly apologizing for the oppressive hardship they’ve caused with the proclamation, “We Boobed!” 

And while this is a bouncing, joyous occasion, it is just one battle in the war Busts 4 Justice must continue to fight.  They have released the following statement: “Busts 4 Justice remain committed to making things better for busty women on the high street, but for now we’re happy just to be able to encourage all ladies to reward themselves and their boobs with some properly fitted, fairly priced lingerie.” Justice!

Ye Olde Trickle Down // The Senior Stimulus Spend-Off

4/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

50 million retirees will march to their mailbox in the coming few weeks, perhaps assisted by a cane or live in nurse, and discover their advancing years and jobless state have brought them a sweet, sweet gift from the caring pockets of the United States Government.

Their present, a check for two hundred and fifty smackeroos, will be aimed at providing the US economy with a nice little boost at the hands of spend-happy seniors. So what does the government expect will come of this massive doling out? Well, one theory is that this is all an attempt to bailout makers of Fix-o-dent and Ensure in one fell swoop, but we think it’s all part of a more ingenious plan.

By supplying the elderly with monetary stimulus, grandchildren around the nation will be moved to suck up to their parent’s parents in the hopes of receiving a little bit of loot. They’ll have to use the phone since the elderly don’t know how to use computers, thereby providing a boost to the national telecommunications providers. Newly armed with checks in the range of 83 cents to $50, these most ravenous of youthful consumers will purchase everything from the latest Hannah Montana dolls to the hottest new Sony Playstation3 games made overseas, thereby siphoning heaps of cash into the global toy market, which will in turn put America’s money right back where it belongs: in Japan. Global Economic crisis averted (GObama).

Ouch: Spain Scores Highest Unemployment Rate

4/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

We Americans like to pride ourselves at being the best. The best at American Football, the best at making addictive quickly prepared yet unhealthy processed foods, the best at being obnoxious while visiting other countries, and last but not least, the best at being unemployed.

While we may be the winners in that last category based on sheer numbers, Spain looks like Spain looks like they’ve got us on percentage. The European nation’s jobless rate is currently eating up the pie charts at a whopping 17.1%. That means more than four million Spaniards are sin trabajo. However, unlike the United States, Spain’s jobless woes have less to do with a flagging economy and more with a shortage of bulls or “toros,” which has left hundreds of unemployed matadors wandering the streets with their red capes searching for handouts or at least a few spirited oles. Sigh… no es triste?

…And by Laid We Mean Laid Off

4/17/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

There seems to be some semblance of social justice upon first glance at an article that reads, “Lawyer Survives Plane Crash And Gets Laid.” Nevermind that the survivor was an attorney; surviving a plane crash and getting laid in two consecutive outings just seems like a rare feat even for the most unscrupulous of professionals.

Unfortunately, not all’s well that ends well, both with headline and with this story. It turns out the headline had a few more words than we originally read hidden on the line below, which continued with “Off The Next Day.” So, instead of gettin’ lucky twice, Frank Scudere, a survivor of Capt. Sully’s famed USAIR flight 1549, returned to work the day after nearly being axed by Canadian Geese to be similarly sentenced by pink paper. The previous day’s predicament did illicit some temporary sympathy from the higher ups as they held off on Scudere’s marching orders until, well… March. Sorry, Frank - but can’t you find a lawsuit in there somewhere?

Word Up, Prez: Obama Commits to Simplification of Tax Suckness

4/15/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While most sensible Americans are well prepared for April 15th, there are those of us who find the language on our tax forms daunting, and the amounts extracted from our paychecks undesirable enough to avoid the yearly “Paying of the Taxes” entirely. Likely a result of his being an average American most of his life, President Obama expressed today that he realizes how overcomplicated our tax code is and that he is working towards simplifying it.

Part of his declaration hinted at transparency; simply knowing where your tax dollars are going and having a say in where they should be spent, as outlined in the documents serving as the basis for our nation and every functioning democracy in the world. Certainly, over the past decade or so, oodles of our money have been allocated to efforts we don’t exactly agree with after we’ve already paid the balance. Would you have paid that $200 in federal taxes if you knew it would be used to buy the shifter for an armored humvee or the binoculars for a border patrol guard? Probably not. Here’s another promise, among many, that we like hearing. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Bailout Bummer

4/06/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Economy

While money does not grow on trees, it would appear that the federal government is still quite confused about that bit of information. What’s more, they appear to be quite confused that such mythical money trees do not actually exist inside the wallets of taxpayers, because recent studies by government financial analysts suggest an increase in the net cost taxpayers will incur when the new budget drops—from a pocket-change estimate of $189 billion to over $350 billion. If you are reading along, you will recognize that we are officially screwed.

While the outlook is bleak, it has been announced that some of this cash will be used to help out homeowners who’ve slid closer to foreclosure, as well as to return money to individuals whose banks have gone under. So, that’s good. In the meantime, we’d suggest some of our older readers get around to thanking their children, their grandchildren and their supposed great-grandchildren for bailing them out over the next fifty years or so.

France Flaunts // Money Talks

3/31/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

Flaunting their proud tradition of both rudeness and giving up, French representatives have threatened to walk away from this week’s G20 summit if their specific demands for tighter financial regulation are not satisfied. French Finance Minister Christine Lagarde told the BBC program Hardtalk (which airs just before Dirty Talk at 11pm) that President Sarkozy would not put his Jean Hancock on any document if
“the deliverables are not there”.

France favors stronger measures for financial regulation than do the U.S. and U.K. Despite France’s adamant stand on strict regulation Barack Obama and British Prime Minister Brown have high hopes that the international economic pow wow could go a long way towards boosting the world from the throes of it’s monetary woes. France’s early exit would prove a detriment to both leaders and those hopes. Despite the prospect of petulant behavior hanging in the air, Prime Minister Brown, in addition to regulation, has issued a call for “moral boundaries” to enhance the way we do business. If you’re looking for a definition of “moral boundaries” look up “Bernie Madoff” on wikipedia and then imagine the opposite.

Thumbs Up for the Meantime

3/31/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under OneRiot News

In a move that’s undoubtedly receiving a thumbs up from its long time film-critic Roger Ebert, the Sun-Times Media group has filed for bankruptcy. The motion for Chapter 11, which will seek to ensure protection for the corporation responsible for running the Chicago Sun-Times, was filed in a Delaware court today. The company’s monetary problems are just another sign of the struggles of the newspaper industry, which has recently seen longstanding publications like the Seattle Post-Intelligencer and Colorado’s Rocky Mountain News cease print operations.

Sun-Times Media group represents the fifth such company to file for Chapter 11, but in between now and its potential end-of-days the company will continue on as it always has, printing newspapers, posting online columns, and reviewing other forms of media with simple hand gestures.

One Fat Recession

3/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy, US

As evidenced by frequent trips to chain restaurants, Americans want to get fatter, but today’s slumping economy has prevented that from happening.

A recent article has clued us in to the fact that plenty of those restaurants are cutting back on how much bang your waistline gets for your buck. At TGI Friday’s, customers asking for A1 are being given small dabs of the savory sauce instead of a chance to slather their meat entree in the entire bottle. Meanwhile at Chili’s the guiltless chicken sandwich only comes with one side instead of two, though it remains the same price. The biggest perpetrators of culinary crime against humanity might just be the Olive Garden, as one diner recounts:

“…A couple days ago, I went to an Olive Garden with my fiance. When we were having dinner I asked if they could bring us another basket of bread. The waitress brought the bread basket to the table and when I looked there were only two breadsticks in the bread basket. Before they would serve five at a time.”

HORROR (though you may have noticed said diner had no complaint about anything lacking with the never-ending salad bowl part of her meal). In our estimation, getting three bacon mini-cheeseburgers instead of four with your appetizer at Chili’s isn’t half bad. Just think, the extra money being spent is less than you’d have to pay for that personal trainer (and if all else fails, remember that there are starving children in Ethiopia who never get to demand extra ketchup for their fries). Stay strong America!

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