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Posts Tagged ‘Economy’

One Fat Recession

3/05/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

As evidenced by frequent trips to chain restaurants, Americans want to get fatter, but today’s slumping economy has prevented that from happening.

A recent article has clued us in to the fact that plenty of those restaurants are cutting back on how much bang your waistline gets for your buck. At TGI Friday’s, customers asking for A1 are being given small dabs of the savory sauce instead of a chance to slather their meat entree in the entire bottle. Meanwhile at Chili’s the guiltless chicken sandwich only comes with one side instead of two, though it remains the same price. The biggest perpetrators of culinary crime against humanity might just be the Olive Garden, as one diner recounts:

“…A couple days ago, I went to an Olive Garden with my fiance. When we were having dinner I asked if they could bring us another basket of bread. The waitress brought the bread basket to the table and when I looked there were only two breadsticks in the bread basket. Before they would serve five at a time.”

HORROR (though you may have noticed said diner had no complaint about anything lacking with the never-ending salad bowl part of her meal). In our estimation, getting three bacon mini-cheeseburgers instead of four with your appetizer at Chili’s isn’t half bad. Just think, the extra money being spent is less than you’d have to pay for that personal trainer (and if all else fails, remember that there are starving children in Ethiopia who never get to demand extra ketchup for their fries). Stay strong America!

The Omnipotent 10: Layoff-Free Companies

2/24/09 - Posted by Jennifer Hodges under Hot Topics

Massive job cuts have become far too common, and most of us no longer bat an eye when we hear of well-known company cutting thousands of jobs.

There are, however, a few employees who can sleep soundly knowing their careers are probably safe. These select lucky bastards ride to work on pink unicorns, drink from a water cooler filled directly from the fountain of youth, and work for magical companies erected beneath rainbows who seem to be immune from the economic crisis. Not only are employees seemingly safe from the chopping block, but these places also have company-specific employee perks. Here are some of our favorite places without cuts (and the reasons why their employees love them so much).

COLGATE

Profits are up 20% this quarter, proving that people are still hygienic during economic hardships. Employees have the whitest chompers around.

GOOGLE

People who work at Google are one step closer to global domination.  ‘Nough said.

APPLE

Have you ever met someone who’s gone to the Mac side and hasn’t experienced intense euphoria?  Didn’t think so. We’re gonna say employees aren’t any different.

VISA

If times are tough at home, employees don’t have to spend hours on the phone applying for a new credit card. They can just walk down the hall.

VERIZON

Communication and friendship between employees is incredible. They all have such a strong network and never have to ask “can you hear me now?”

See the rest of the 10 here!

Macy’s Deflating

2/04/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

It’s a sign of the times: another day of another several thousand employees hitting the unemployment line.

The latest culprit in the chopping block cavalcade is the department store stalwarts at Macy’s. With Americans saving all their money for a day when the economic forecast ain’t so rainy (and the retail market sagging thusly), the company announced yesterday that it would be slashing some 7,000 employees, up to 4% of it’s work force. The cuts not only encompass 40% of the company’s corporate sector, but 5,100 of those positioned to get pink slips are currently employed at Macy’s and Bloomingdales stores across the country. This means that while customers will soon be able to breeze through the beauty aisles with the probability of being aggressively spritzed with Liz Taylor’s White Diamonds, they’ll also find little guidance when searching for the perfect tie to pair with their black and purple striped button down.

In addition to the cuts, the company (which runs 840 stores) is centralizing their corporate structure and responsibly recommending that executive prerequisites such as company cars, merchandise discounts, company-paid life insurance and financial counseling be reduced. With fiscal earnings for the beginning year estimated to be dramatically below projections, the moves could potentially save the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade hosts around $400 million in expenses. That should help keep the company afloat.

Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues

2/03/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

Republican Senators have combined their efforts to produce their very own reformed version of the next stimulus package. Casually referred to on Capitol Hill as Stimulus Package II: The Saga Continues, economy booster is expected to outperform its initial incarnation in the areas of effectiveness and national perception. The conservative edit contains narrower spending on various program and relies largely on tax cuts to increase consumer confidence and counteract the current slump. Big names on the cover include Sen. Mel Martinez, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Sen. Marlene Marzipan, and a senator from South Carolina known only as Mango.

House Republicans have decided to throw down their own ideas in the form of an edit of the edited version of the original proposal. Citing the abundance of pork in the edit of the edit, leading Republican representatives have edited down their own edit and sent it back to the republican senators for a revision. After deliberation and several more edits, a compromise was reached in the form of budget breakdown consisting of only two items; twenty dollar stimulus checks for all citizens and a provision to fund new catering for the senate house lounge. Senators drafting this final edit maintain that while most of the pork was removed, it is possible that some will still slip by in there, as is the nature of the game.

Iceland Melting

1/27/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

The island nation of Iceland, known for its weather, Bjork, and…umm…Bjork, is without a working government as of yesterday, a collapse of power triggered by the country’s financial crisis which has caused widespread unemployment, driven down the value of the krona, and caused the usually docile Icelandic public to protest in the streets.

Iceland began on this road to hell during recent years of economic expansion that required stacking up a large debt - which is now against the government to European nations and individual customers of banks that are subsidiaries of Iceland’s major financial houses. As a result of the banking industry’s demise, Iceland is ten billion dollars in the hole, tired, hungry, cold, and without shoes.

The Social Democratic Alliance Party, with which Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s coalition government was held, is calling for a replacement leader and has suggested Johanna Sigurdardottir. Prime Minister Haarde is instead pushing for Thorgerdur Katrin Gunnarsdottir. The Icelandic Farmer’s Union decided to throw down their two aurar as well by suggesting union head Imafarmer Letssitdownandtalk. As yet, no compromise has been reached between interested parties and protests among the disillusioned public continue. In the most awkward rallying chant ever heard, protestor Svginn Rumar Hauksson led a demonstration Monday by repeating, “We are happy that the government has gone, but now we need to clean up the financial supervisory authority and the central bank.”

Man Down a.k.a The #1 Job Slaying Saying

1/22/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Hot Topics

R-E-S-P-E-C-T the stats: a new study shows that men, and not women, are feeling the bigger hurt of the current US depression.

Director Andrew Sum and his cronies at the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University in Boston have discovered that amidst a frightening 2.74 million job cuts since 2007, almost 80 percent of those preexisting jobs belonged to men. It seems that the majority of industries taking serious hits—like construction, manufacturing and wholesale trade—happened to employ a great deal more men than women in the first place. Yet total unemployment numbers for men dropped by almost two percent more than for women, suggesting that the ladies are simply doing a better job of keeping their offices occupied.

While decidedly blue-collar industries have taken the biggest hit in recent years, current total unemployment percentages also favor women; in fact, the most recent figures show the biggest discrepancy in men and women’s unemployment since 1983. That’s over 25 years now, if you didn’t feel like doing the math.

The most interesting statistics come as projections: industries like healthcare and education are three-quarters women, and continue to create new jobs nationwide. However, in the financial sector women suffered a staggering majority of recent losses, and could continue to be the target of such misfortune in 2009. This is usually where we would make a snarky joke about how men are big dumb apes and women are quaint, quick thinking gazelles…but really, this stuff is totally depressing.

Microsoft Drops the Axe… Softly

1/22/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Industry

In the midst of a flailing economy one might think that some amount of safety could be found in the computer industry. After all, aside from your Grandpappy - who’s still trying to figure out how the magical spirits fly from the remote control to switch the channel - everyone needs a hard drive. Unfortunately, even your current use of an automatic device to read this story cannot save a few folks at the financially flagging tech stalwart Microsoft.

The software giant made famous by the big brain on Bill Gates has been forced to cut 5,000 jobs as a result of a 2nd quarter profit drop of 11%. The company is blaming the decline in dollars earned on a few factors, including the rise of low power “netbooks” which run on the less profitable Windows XP.

All 5,000 unlucky employees will not be given the immediate axe, but 1400 will be boxing up their things in the near future with the rest of the cuts coming over the next 18 months. The good news is that’s plenty of time to peruse craigslist for new employment and missed connections.

Milking Obama: The Inaugural Marketplace

1/22/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

I experienced the inauguration of Barack Obama with the people. Not those privileged enough to have tickets to the momentous event, but the four million or so that carried themselves through a locked down Washington DC, attempting to get as close to the action as possible. We began our walk on the morning of the 20th in South East DC and pushed through a sea of Americans, navigating our way through the crowd, jumping fences and darting past field trip groups with matching sweatshirts. Stress and apprehension whittled our group of six down to two, my friend Tom and I, as we managed to plant ourselves on a packed patch of grass about a quarter mile from the monument. We struggled for a view and stretched our necks to catch the loudspeaker speeches that were carried in and out of coherence by the freezing wind. It was worth the stress. And we weren’t the ones working.

A remarkable aspect of the public response to Obama since he entered this race has been the incredible amount of merchandise bearing the man’s name, and his inauguration was the single most crowded marketplace I have witnessed. Everything from calendars to scarves to family portraits, and of course a countless array of T shirts, was available for purchase. Vendors old and young, black and white, male and female, all touted their merchandise, the majority of which will undoubtedly sit in attics across America for the rest of time.

These independent business people selected their spots carefully. Wherever a mass in motion was funneled under a bridge, down a narrowing street or past a temporary barrier, they were perched, each with a unique product and a pitch to go with it. From the predictable “Obama T shirts! You are experiencing history! Commemorate this event with a T shirt!” to the less conventional “Jump start our economy one purchase at a time! Help Obama help you!” (That last one sounds great, but we were pretty sure these guys didn’t pay taxes on their earnings from this.) Some sellers trying to avoid the high competition areas paced the less populated streets. We became caught in the middle of a stare down between an older woman and a young man selling buttons on opposite sides of a sparsely crowded sidewalk. “Get your Obama buttons!” the man said. “Better buttons!” said the woman. There was a pause. Finally the man, thrilled at his own ingenuity, exclaimed “Best buttons! Get the best Obama buttons around!”

In an attempt to differentiate, many T shirt designs got straight up weird. In one family portrait, the Obamas looked suspiciously like the Cosbys. Others had the new president wielding boxing gloves and knocking down Bush, McCain, and even Bin Laden. Customers, touched by the madness of things, fished out tens with their frozen fingers to own these minute pieces of history. There were plenty of buyers for all, granted you had your personal selling down. My favorite was the man who skipped the bit about his product and simply asked passers by “What size you need?” As we passed a row of vendors in front of the White House, a elderly man with nothing to sell read what was on the minds of myself, Tom, and likely many others who realize constantly that, despite the future progress that this new president represents, our time taken out to watch him be sworn in came at an opportunity cost. “Damn. We could’ve made some money today”.

George ‘Make it Rain’ Bush Spends $11.5 Trillion

1/19/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Hot Topics

It ain’t fair to put this all on that crazy cowboy from Texas, but studies indicate that the United States spent about $11.5 trillion—that is correct, eleven thousand and five hundred billion—during the presidency of George W Bush. If you weren’t quite sure, that is (a lot) more than ever before. And while I would like to do some kind of fun little exercise to explain how many _____s you could have bought with that money, no adequate or understandable comparisons can be made.

As you might have guessed, a lot went into setting this kind of a record, from a total economic collapse on Wall Street in late 2008, to that devastating terrorist attack back in 2001 and its successive wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Yet perhaps the most important factor to note is that such spending is not about to come to a screeching halt in the months and years after president-elect Barack Obama’s inauguration on January 20th, 2009. While the next pres has aspirations of recovering the American economy, it’s true that he too will be forced to adhere to that age-old proverb: “you gotta spend money to make money.” And so, while $11.5 trillion dollars is undoubtedly a sh*tload of money, the numbers are sure to continue rising while the national debt skids closer to that inevitable point at which most citizens start scratching their heads and wondering, ‘does this number actually mean anything or can we just keep not making money forever?’

In other news, today is the last day during which news articles will refer to Barack Obama as the ‘president-elect.’ Yay-yay! *terrorist fist bump*

And Now, for the First Time: Toyota Reports Losses

12/23/08 - Posted by Matt Gierhart under Hot Topics

While the U.S. auto market is in the process of working out the details of receiving their government bailout, the Japanese auto industry is taking a hit as well. Toyota is reporting its first losses in 70 years. The auto company’s has experienced expansive growth over the past few years, largely due to the Prius gas-electric hybrid car, but even the hype of hybrid cars are no match for a dwindling economy.

The good news: no layoffs. Toyota has a history of not cutting full time jobs, even in some tough times and they are showing no signs of a reduction in full time jobs. That includes the 36,600 employees in the U.S. The bad news: it doesn’t include the part-time workers. So temps, watch out!

In spite of Toyota’s loss, they are still poised to overtake General Motors as the world’s leading car makers for 2008. Toyota began the year outselling GM by almost 400,000 cars at the beginning of the year. Since last month record low in car sales it’s not looking likely that GM will be able to match Toyota in the eight days remaining of the year. We imagine the celebration party of being the world’s leading car maker the same day as reporting losses of 1.66 billion dollars isn’t a little more sparkling wine rather than champagne. But there’s always next year, right? Nope, Toyota projects 2009 to be an even worse year. Pack that in with the weak dollar at a 13 year low against the Yen and auto maker analyst Tsuyoshi Mochimaru starts saying things like “[the reports are] unmistakable that things are extremely tough for Toyota.”

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