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Posts Tagged ‘Ew’

Spiedi Hold a Press Wedding

4/27/09 - Posted by Christopher Reinhard under Gossip

It’s offish: reality TV whores and likely spawns of Satan, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are hitched. Again.

A dark and ominous cloud descended over Southern California around 2pm on Saturday as 300 guests watched the pair re-tie the knot at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena. People Magazine shared further details about the ceremony; but really, if you have to hear them, just go away. One standout detail: Heidi wore white to signify, um, her purity. Hm.

We don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but let’s just say there’s a growing pool going around the OneRiot offices. Bets are based on the time it takes Speidi to either a) get divorced (once privately, once in front of photographers); or B) be smote by God in a publicly broadcast, freak lightning storm. I’m going all in on B. Come on, God!

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Case Closed on Sea Monster Mystery

4/03/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Science

For several months, mysterious ongoings at Britain’s Newquay Blue Reef Aquarium had workers perplexed. Some unseen menace was harming the coral, and had even injured a precious Tang Fish while avoiding traps the staff had laid for it - it was as if something out of the movie the Leviathan or Deep Blue Sea or any number of sea-based thrillers was creeping in on the humble museum. Then on one dark and stormy evening at sea (or tank) they saw it: It was a monster alright.

A giant four foot worm resembling one of the many nemesis of Godzilla himself was the nasty culprit of all of that aquatic destruction, terrorizing fish and wreaking havoc on the reef. The workers braced themselves for the fight of their lives, eventually catching the sucker and making sure that he could no longer hurt their favorite fish. However, rather then throw him back in the sea to elsewhere continue his reign of terror, they stuck him in his own tank and named him “Barry,” cause Barry’s just as good a name as any.

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  • The Heirs To Uga VII’s Throne

    11/20/09

    The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen.  Who will it be?
    The Search: Uga VII
    Some of us are born into greatness and some have it unexpectedly thrust upon us and never learn to deal with it, leading us to end up in rehab.  You can count the [...]

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  • Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

    11/18/09

    The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine.  But is he man enough for this title?
    The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
    I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

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  • Appropriate Publicity Techniques

    11/12/09

    The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King.  OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

    The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
    With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

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  • The Galactic Search for Love

    11/11/09

    The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime.  OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
    The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
    Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

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  • Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

    11/03/09

    The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
    The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
    Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

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