As our lives have grown more dependent on cell phones, many have speculated as to what horrible long term consequences from using such a device would emerge. Government surveillance? Traffic Accidents? Brain tumors? We could not have even imagined a situation so dire. It began when 66-year-old Donna Malloy was carrying a cup of coffee and some grain biscuits to her living room, then felt a tingle…in her elbow.
In an effort to protect America’s youth from bad habits, the American Medical Association Alliance is calling for an R rating for any movie that contains smoking. An example cited by the group is the recent X-Men Origins: Wolverine film, which, in addition to violent fighting and over-sexualized superheroes, depicts the main character smoking a cigar.
Members of the alliance also evidenced several studies that vaguely showed that teens who like movies with smoking in them are more likely to smoke, and that this is enough proof to ruin the authenticity of films depicting the 1950s. Their blind anti-smoking mantra led them to several conclusions that would make one think that alcohol is not a problem among teens at all. While many reasonable non-smoking Americans would tell these folks that they’re going too far, their crusade to turn our country into a giant school campus continues.
Pregnancy? STDs? Huffing? Crack cocaine? The newest danger to teen health is far more sinister than the traditional, time-honored methods of risky self-harm. It’s called texting, and it’s destroying the future of our world.
Major cell phone companies, when not busy rigging America’s favorite television program, pulled together information and found that 2,272 text messages was the average number sent by teens per month. That’s an OMGZ! Totally nsane, nothin to LOL about, 80 txts per day!
According to some researchers these text-a-holic children are suffering health effects from the abundance of thumb movement, including injured fingers and hands, sleep deprivation and poor performance in school. It is also screwing with their tender, still-forming identities, because it does not give them enough time alone to think over things like which Jonas Brother’s purity they would like to take and who to bully at school. Most importantly, it does not leave them enough time to have unprotected sex, huff aerosol cans in the basement until they pass out, or do heroin.
Get ready to drop that bacon cheeseburger in excitement, big boned individuals, fans of Richard Simmons, and run-of-the-mill fatties. Are you ready for some mouth-watering news? Some fat may actually help you burn fat!
The cannibalistic material, called “brown fat,” conducts an internal race war with bad “white,” fat to keep you warm. It was originally thought to be found only in rats and human infants, but new studies show that some stays in the body as you age.
While it is unclear if brown fat is more a cause of leanness or a result of it, a pill is being researched to capitalize on this new, potential weight loss discovery. There is also surely a Skinny Rat, Human Infant Bitch: The Brown Fat Diet book on the way, but until then, there is something you can do. Brown fat was found to be stimulated when the subjects of one study sat in a 16-degree-C (61-degree-F) room for two hours in an ice bath, so join the Polar Bear Club, move to Alaska, or have your kidney stolen.
Life isn’t all cotton candy and Venn diagrams for Teen Pop Megastar Miley Cyrus. In her new autobiography “Miles To Go,” the Achy Breaky offspring of Billy Ray reveals that she suffers from a non-life threatening heart condition that has absolutely nothing to do with her father’s singing or a certain musical brother whose last name begins with a J.
Hannah Montana herself is a proud survivor of frequent bouts of Tachycardia, which wikipedia defines as “heartrate that exceeds the range of the normal resting heart rate that was created by aliens to destroy the planet earth and all of it’s important pop stars.” Cyrus goes on to say that there is never a time onstage where she isn’t thinking about her heart, failing to acknowledge that the rise in heart rate might just have something to do with the rush of performing in front of thousands of people on a nightly basis. In related news, no one is noting the absurdity of a 16-year old already having a book detailing her life story.
As it turns out, the position you sleep in speaks volumes about your personality and the general way in which you go about things. According to a study conducted by Chris Idzikowski, most of us mainly use one of six sleeping poses, including Fetal, Soldier, Triple Helix, Butt Poke, and the Batman. The most common way to sleep is in the fetal position, which indicates a person who is tough on the outside, and chewy and moist on the inside. We conclude that this means most people have a heart of gold, and also that the same people come off as jerks, providing a nice answer to the question of our inherent inclination as a species.
People who sleep in the Soldier or the Starfish are said to be good listeners, make good friends, but are also prone to snoring and will often have a bad nights sleep. This may have less to do with the sleeping position and simply reflect that Soldier and Starfish sleepers feel incredible guilt because they tend to be awful, immoral people.
Idzikowski’s findings are fully detailed in his AOL Health article, in which he alludes to a placemat he’s working on that will include all the positions, their tendencies, fortunes, and compatibility with other types.
Viagra, the original erectile dysfuntion pill, has now been on the market for ten years, bombarding us with bad commercials, possible side effects, and more joke material than that annoying guy at your office can use.
When the drug came out in 1998, men suffering from impotence were allowed an opportunity to defy nature and revive their dormant penises without resorting to pumps or injections, something that Doctors think addressed a significant health problem. The pop-pill also brought sexual health into the public spotlight, allowing men to speak freely about their private problems and remove the taboo status of discussing sexuality (which was never spoken of under any circumstances before 1998, ahem).
While Viagra paved the way for more ED drugs and furthered America’s juvenile obsession with sex just a tad, the drug itself works only for about two thirds of all men that use it. It has also been reported that partners of men who use Viagra feel unnattractive. Seeing that their mates need to induce an erection medically in order to become aroused makes them feel less sexy than the days before Viagra, when all that was available was the brown paper bag with a picture of a Revlon model pasted to it. Still, the influential pill from Pfizer has benefited many and continues to be an unforgettable piece of American culture.
The major drug company is currently working on an opposite and more useful pill that hinders the ability of teen to college-age men to get erections.
Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey collapsed last night during a speech at the Federalist Society’s annual dinner at a northwest Washington hotel. Reportedly, Mukasey was visibly shaking, started to slur his words, then collapsed into the arms of a man nearby. The dinner’s attendees blocked him from cameras view until he was rushed off to the hospital.
Mukasey was given a clean bill of health near midnight EST, and was released from the hospital at 7am this morning. A Justice Department spokeswoman, Gina Talamona, said that “The results are in. Everything looks great… he’s in good shape.” Talamona went on to say that “there’s no indication that he suffered a stroke or any heart-related incident. It really appears to be a fainting spell.” We’re glad.
Now that he’s feeling better, Mukasey can go back to writing warnings on cigarette packs, pissing off anyone who wants to give civil rights to suspected terrorists, and counting the days until he’s no longer responsible for the most unlawful administration since Nixon.
Canada may have socialized medicine, but that doesn’t mean everyone in the Great White North who enters their Royal Canadian Mounted Emergency Room is hastily attended to. In fact, sometimes it’s just the opposite.
Recently a man from Winnipeg, a generally civilized area of Canada, died after spending 34 hours in the waiting room having not even been assessed by a triage nurse.
The death, which officials found could have been prevented by a simple catheter change and antibiotics, has prompted the Winnipeg Regional Health Authority to institute some measures to insure that such an event will not occur in the future. Included amongst the changes are an electronic registration system that makes sure all patients are signed in before entering the waiting room, and a requirement for emergency room staff to speak directly with waiting room patients at least once every four hours.
While opponents of socialized health care will no doubt see this as an argument for the privatization of health care, it should be noted that this sort of thing never happens in Guelph or Saskatoon. It has happened before, however–even in more developed countries, like Texas– so back off, Obama health-policy haters; it’s gonna be alright.
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The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
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