The Story: The North Pole’s Letters to Santa program has been canceled. OneRiot provides a template of how to address your letters now that Santa won’t be writing you back.
The Search: Letters to Santa
While Americans may be willing to let advertising, competitive gifting, unrestrained consumerism, fiscal irresponsibility, and heated battles over limited release gift items taint our sacred winter holiday, the US Postal Service is putting a stop to a program they believe could be detrimental to our children. As the result of one of the volunteers being a registered sex offender, the USPS has decided to cancel the Letters to Santa program based in the town of North Pole, Alaska. For years, the town of North Pole has assembled a civilian army to tackle the task of responding to children who write to Santa Claus, a rotund man in his later years who spends most of the year in seclusion building toys for children to whom he has no relation and then sneaking into these children’s homes on Christmas eve. The program may be the biggest orchestrated lie in the history of humankind, allowing parents to keep their children in an ignorant and blissful stupor of delusion. We can thank the USPS for lifting the veil.
Now that children will be forced to exit their cushy, Nerf-encased pretend world and address the issue of Christmas and the receipt of gifts like informed adults, we at OneRiot are compelled to provide a template for what your Santa letters ought to look like.
Dear Sir or Madam,
This is a letter of request for several items that I wish to receive for maintaining positive and acceptable behavior in the fiscal year ending December 2009. Below I have highlighted examples of said demeanor, each corresponding to an appropriate reward. I would like to note that I am refraining from referring to you by the fictional moniker of Santa Claus, as I recognize that this character does not exist. If it would please you to be referred to as Santa by an irreverent and starry eyed youngster such as myself, please inform me and I will resume addressing you as such.
(more…)
Buddy Up