1. GOOGLE KILLS BAMBI
A Google Maps car sacked a baby deer while mapping Five Points Road in Rush, NY, and until very recently, you could watch the whole thing (you know, if you were into that). The footage has since been removed, but the pictures remain - and if you listen closely to them, you can hear the poor, dying thing whisper, “Don’t Be Eeevil!!!”
2. SWAT TEAM TAKES DOWN PS3 GAMERS
A Danish swat team busted in on two PS3 players after their neighbors (and the authorities) took the gory gaming sounds seriously. In other words, Copenhagen successfully created an Escher drawing… irl. Yeah Denmark!
3. STIMULATE U.S.
The House gave the go-ahead on an $819 billion dollar stimulus bill, causing more than one of us to raise our pinky to our lips and cackle. Make it rain, Obama, make it rain.
4. RICHARD… WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF?
The world’s best complaint letter gave us more chances to say, “that’s what she said” than the second episode of Tila Tequila (except it was even more fun, because you got to say it with an accent).
5. BOYS (1), GIRLS (1)
To the overdue joy of women everywhere, Obama signed the Lilly Ledbetter Act, taking the guesswork out of equal compensation (where ‘guesswork’ meant, ‘if your boss felt like it’). That’s right girls - you’re officially worth it.
6. TED HAGGARD BATS AGAIN
Religious outcast Ted Haggard was slowing creeping back after a nasty hard drugs and man-on-man situation, but new allegations of even more ‘ungodliness’ have created another dirty closet to clean up. Or -cough- come out of.
7. JESSICA SIMPSON MOMS OUT & BOOTYS UP
Jessica debuted some more soulful curves in some mommy pants recently, and the reactions to her fuller figure have been mixed. OneRiot users feel great about the extra cushion - but whoever put her in that outfit should be spanked with a belt. Maybe even all three of them.
8. IRANIAN WOMEN BANNED FROM WATCHING SOCCER
While Obama was locking down more equality in the US, Iran locked out its feminine population from a national pastime. Where God opens a door he closes a… wait, that’s not it.
9. BLOODY MONDAY: THE JOB SLAYINGS CONTINUE
Caterpillar, Home Depot, Boeing - it’s a bloodbath out there, and the perks of the stimulus plan won’t be felt for a long time yet. Hang in there, ‘Merica.
10. 25 YEARS OF APPLE
Though middle-schoolers tend to think otherwise, Apple did exist before the iPod. Now, one hammer, millions of iPhones, and plenty of blase middle years in between, the company is celebrating its 25th birthday. Free MacBooks for everyone!
Buddy Up