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Posts Tagged ‘Murder’

Aussie Woman Kills Husband with Genitals Fire

1/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under International Affairs

A 44-year-old Australian woman is being charged with murder after botching a penis fire that caused injuries leading to her husbands death. The woman, Rajini Narayan, says that she decided to perpetrate the wang arson because she grew jealous after seeing her husband hugging another woman. In a sworn statement to police, the woman stated “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else.” Narayan is now the proud possessor not only of the burnt penis she so desired, but also of a dead husband and all the associated burial costs.

The woman’s husband was sleeping when she doused his genitals with alcohol and set the area ablaze. He awoke frantically and knocked over the bottle of alcohol, spreading the flames to other items in the room. He appeared less concerned with the family heirloom linens than with his own precious heirloom (zing!), which further angered his wife.

“She’s a bitch. A crazy, penis burning bitch” said the man’s ghost, now sitting on a bench in a park that eternally experiences sunset and where the ducks never poop on the walkway. “I was the laughing stock of purgatory, but who’s laughing now?” When asked if he felt vengeful, the ghost stated “I’m not gonna sink to her level. But I do hope she grows a penis one day and someone sets it on fire.”

British Chainsaw Massacre

11/21/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under International Affairs

If the movies of the 1980’s taught us anything, it’s that the only way to save an endangered apartment complex or teen rec center from evil land developers is to hold a mind numbingly awesome fundraiser featuring break dancing moves a la Turbo and Ozone or some raspy pop rock sung by someone Demi Moore-ish in stature. Unfortunately, a man in the town of Bishopstoke near Southampton in England never got this memo.

David Phyall, a 50 year old resident facing eviction from his apartment of eight years at the hands of the First Wessex Housing Group Ltd, chose to take matters into his own hands. Instead of planning an inspirational get together to warm the hearts and change the minds of those giving him the boot, he chose to plot his own gruesome death… by chainsaw.

The former resident of a one bedroom flat in the complex had apparently received 11 offers from the company of a new home, but rather than relocate like the rest of the building’s inhabitants, he decided that it would be more sensible to rig his Black and Decker (they love this sort of product placement) Chainsaw on a timer so that when it went off it would saw his head off. The plan almost worked, for when police happened upon the horrific scene they found the blade had cut three-quarters of the way through his neck. Call me crazy, but I’ll take relocation of my house over relocation of my head any day.

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Recent Comments

  • Dada July 3, 2009 9:25 pm I’m very interested in this kind of themed-movies. I absolutely love Tim...
  • David July 3, 2009 4:17 pm children are the most important things in our lives, we have to sacrifice everything for...
  • Jennifer Hodges July 1, 2009 4:40 pm Jayson- what exactly is “adventure music”???
  • Harrry July 1, 2009 1:11 pm IF YOUR HOMETOWN BECAME THE TARGET FOR AN APPROACHING NUCLEAR MISSILE,You would most...
  • Evan Kessler June 30, 2009 8:37 am My little nod to Prince.

Gossip

  • Movie Mays (in Days)

    7/02/09

    Hollywood moves fast. Real fast. And if you’ve had even a pinch of fame during your lifespan, chances are a motion picture production company will be in the works to produce your biopic before you’ve even been buried. So goes the tale of Billy Mays, the pitchman most recognized for his husky/on the verge of [...]

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  • Charts Afire // MJ Memory Fest Proves Pop’s in the Grave

    7/01/09

    Pop musicians got a shock this week when a man who changed the face of their field not only prematurely kicked the bucket, but gave them one final schooling from beyond the grave. Michael Jackson’s music is tearing up the charts and, with much poetic justice, bumping out contemporary pop stars like the Black Eyed [...]

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  • Rick Astley is NEVER Gonna Run Around and Desert You

    6/30/09

    In the days following the death of Michael Jackson, internet hoaxsters have tried their hand at convincing us that famous people are dropping like flies. First there were the Jeff Goldblum rumors, then they told us our beloved Harrison Ford and Britney Spears had gone the way of the dodo.
    Being the astute followers of pop [...]

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  • Pabst: Not Just a Great Beer

    6/30/09

    Forget about purebred pups with pedigrees–This weekend’s top dogshow was all about honoring those canines with mugs that only an owner can love. With gnarly coats, stumpy tails, missing eyes, and scraggly teeth, dogs came from all over the globe to win the coveted title of the World’s Ugliest Dog.

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  • Fate Agrees: Never Stage a Kodak Moment

    6/29/09

    11-Year Old Harvey Kindlon was so close! He managed to get within feet of uber-beauty of the moment Megan Fox at the London premiere of Transformers 2, when his well-documented quest to give her a yellow rose was stymied by the flashbulbs of photo hounds from the UK’s trashiest rags. It seemed all was well [...]

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