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Posts Tagged ‘Musicians’

Tying the Knot For the Nookie

4/23/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Gossip

In a shocking declaration of media relevance, People.com is reporting that Fred Durst is engaged to be married. The publication is trumpeting the news that the backwards hat wearing Limp Bizkit frontman will be breaking something alright. Once he ties the knot with his fiancee Esther Nazarov, he’ll be breaking the hearts of all of those lusty ladies who one day hoped to bed the immature adolescent anthem author.

The couple’s nuptials are tentatively slated for July and prospective guests are encouraged to get something to eat prior to arriving at the reception, as the entire edible contents of cocktail hour will most likely consist of chocolate starfish and hot dog flavored water.

Tags: Musicians, Relationships

For Those About To Rock, We Prevent You

12/09/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Because We Feel Like it

All Tallan Matz ever wanted to do with his life was let his finger pickin’ goodness do the talking. Now the Wisconsin born guitar prodigy is singing the “I’m 8-Years-Old and Can’t Play in Concerts in My Home State Due To Child Labor Laws” blues.

The miniature axe grinder, who has traded licks with the likes of Les Paul and Jackson Browne, was packing in clubs in suburban Milwaukee. He even made the rounds at Chicago’s House of Blues establishment before his father and manager received a letter stating that his of run on the club circuit was a violation of Wisconsin state law and would have to come to an end.

The talented tyke seems to be the victim of a jealous rival, as the wheels of his jam ban got rolling when state officials received an anonymous tattle-tale email. Matz’s booking agent was also on the receiving end of a death threat hinting at the ultimate punishment should she continue to get him gigs.

Ironically, the same bars that Tallan is banned from strumming five strings would allow him to drink a beer if accompanied by a parent. That’s Wisconsin for ya. But you can’t stop the rock, as Talian (who has thirteen guitars and at least nine endorsement deals) will still be able to play fairs and festivals. In other news: Somewhere a nine-year-old in a factory is wishing he lived in Wisconsin.

Tags: Music, Musicians

Four Score and Seven Years Later: Chinese Democracy

11/24/08 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Music

After what seemed like a wait of four score and seven years (so, 17), Axl Rose - the obsessive self-imagined mad-scientist genius of one of the most notable bands of the late 80’s and early 90’s - finally got over his own perfectionist leanings to quench the thirst of eager fans. Guns ‘n’ Roses new album “Chinese Democracy,” was released this past weekend.

“Chinese Democracy,” which represents the first release of original material from the band since 1991’s “Use Your Illusion” albums, had become somewhat of a mythical running joke. Most people doubted it would ever see the light of day, as Axl spent his time re-recording and tinkering with tracks, firing bandmates, and pining for Stephanie Seymour.

Alas, the wait is over, and the reviews have been mixed. By most accounts, for the amount of the time and energy the combustible frontman poured into it, the final result has not been worth the wait. In my own opinion, it doesn’t totally suck. The album itself is full of ambitiously grand arrangements and a melange of different styles tackled and committed to with aplomb. The sound just seems thirteen years too late. Hopefully, Axl will have better luck next time when he releases “Inuit Aristocracy” in 2024.

Tags: 80s Rock, Music, Musicians, New Releases

Surprise! Kanye Still Loves Himself

11/14/08 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Gossip

Infamously self absorbed rapper Kanye West has compared himself to Michael Jordan, saying he is to rap what the sports legend is to basketball. For those less savvy to the levels of self-infatuation needed for this comparison, know that all other languages translate this sentence as “I am to music what God was to the creation of the Universe (non-believers insert: “what PBR is to hipsters”).“

Awesome, Kanye, awesome.

UPDATE: Ooh, sorry to hear you got arrested, Kanye. God should never get arrested.

Tags: Celebrities, Musicians

The Heirs To Uga VII’s Throne

11/20/09

The Story: With the passing of Georgia’s beloved bulldog icon, a new master-mascot must be chosen. Who will it be?
The Search: Uga VII
Some of us are born into greatness and some have it unexpectedly thrust upon us and never learn to deal with it, leading us to end up in rehab. You can count the [...]

Johnny Depp Brings the Sex

11/18/09

The Story: Johnny Depp was named the sexiest man alive according to People magazine. But is he man enough for this title?
The Search: Sexy Johnny Depp
I’m a man, and I find men disgusting. I look at other men, and the last adjective that comes to mind is ’sexy’. However, I can’t deny that among the [...]

Appropriate Publicity Techniques

11/12/09

The Story: Carrie Prejean became extremely flustered while on-air with Larry King. OneRiot breaks down her interviewing tactics, and helps her further her public speaking skills.

The Search: Larry King & Carrie Prejean
With all the pseudo-celebrities emerging over the past decade or so, we at OneRiot have grown increasingly concerned that people are getting famous for [...]

The Galactic Search for Love

11/11/09

The Story: Diaper-wearing Astronaut Lisa Nowak was sentenced today for her cross-country crime. OneRiot casts the movie featuring the out of this world love triangle.
The Search: Lisa Nowak Sentence
Astronaut love is not like regular person love. Maybe that’s why the 2004 story of Lisa Nowak and the space-love triangle that caused her to drive 1000 [...]

Renaming Mel Gibson’s Octo-Spawn

11/03/09

The Summary: Mel Gibson becomes a father of eight children - and OneRiot renames them all.
The Search: Mel Gibson’s Baby
Everyone loves when celebrities have babies, because the names they grace them with offer solid proof that they operate on a whole different plane of existence. However, the latest celebrity couple to a offer a up [...]

Posts Tagged ‘Musicians’

Tying the Knot For the Nookie

For Those About To Rock, We Prevent You

Four Score and Seven Years Later: Chinese Democracy

Surprise! Kanye Still Loves Himself

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Black Friday Goes Digital with Social Media

Marv Albert in Unexpected Fisticuffs with 50 Cent

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