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Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

The Obama Money Back Guarantee

1/14/10 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: Obama is putting his foot down and calling out the banks.  While he’s at it, how bout’ taking it a bit further.

The Search: Obama Banks

Perhaps president Obama didn’t realize who he was dealing with when he promised last years big financial bailout. The very same companies whose greed and unscrupulous behaviors created a bubble that burst on all of us were given the task of fixing things. No one in the executive branch considered that these guys might just use the bailout to take care of themselves, as they have always done, and move on with the task of making gigantic stacks of money. It came to light recently that this exactly what happened, with banker bonuses reaching seven digit figures while consumers are seeing no real benefit from the financial institutions that should have been fixed. Looking back, Barack Obama sees his blunder and is scrambling to fix it. Today he called for banks to repay what he called a ‘financial crisis responsibility fee’ of $117 billion.

While we’re getting paid back for things, how about a few other past expenditures?

Underemployment benefits–That whopping 10% unemployment rate is scary, until you look at the measurement and it gets scarier. It only accounts for those filing for unemployment, and you can only do that if you once had a job. It doesn’t include kids who graduated from college into this hell mess and don’t have the experience to get a job or a job to get the experience. Adding in these masses paints a much sorrier picture, and these people are a very real part of the potential work force that is not participating in the economy. Why not stimulate this segment with a little spending cash to give rise to the entrepreneurial spirit of Americans in their creative prime? (more…)

Merry Health Care to All, and to All a Goodnight

12/24/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: Health Care?  Almost there…

The Search: Health Care

As of this morning, America got an early Christmas present in the form of real reform, something the public has heard lots about since we elected President Obama a year ago. After immense opposition that came down to conspiracy theories and childish name-calling, the final senate vote came in to usher this historic piece of legislation into reality.

If you’re confused, you’re not alone. How many times in the past few months have we heard of victory for the health care bill only to discover that these conquests were limited to mere steps in a process designed to scrutinize the hell out of laws before they come into being. Before we put on our party hats for this one, we’d like to inform the public of the remaining steps that must be completed in order for this bill to pass. Now that the votes are done, next up is…

Divination
Senator Harry Reid, the man behind the bill, must carry a physical copy of the bill to the top of Mt. Rushmore, along with a jar of tea leaves, a pouch of dried cranberries, and a wooden staff known as the Gallup Pole. Once at the peak, he will entice the heavens by chanting the full text of the bill, repeating it exactly 36 times, a task which is expected to take up to eight months. He will then cast the cranberries and tea into a cauldron which was place atop the mountain by John Adams during the time of the American Revolution (incidentally, this was not the president John Adams, but rather a shopkeeper from Connecticut who met the president one time, a meeting at which several jokes were cracked about their similar monikers). Upon draining the cauldron of water, Reid will read the lay of the tea leaves, assessing whether or not the bill should move to the next stage…
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The Prince and the Pauper

12/22/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: Sometimes you just need a good ol’ switcheroo for a giant dose of reality.

The Search: Prince William Homeless

The opposite of being royalty is being homeless, and members of either rank in society will never cross paths, unless of course there is a costume party, a lost identical twin, and a hilarious mix up. Because that particular set of occurrences is so unlikely, Britain’s Prince William decided he needed a reality check on the situation of impoverished citizens within his kingdom’s walls. He spent a night on the streets of London posing as a pauper to get an idea of the lifestyle.

While being well concerned about the fair Prince’s findings on his night of slumming it, we are stuck on the idea of the fortunate purposely experiencing life on the other end of the spectrum. Though you may not have expected it, we have a few suggestions for similar exercises.

Bank CEOs and the Foreclosed Upon

While American homeowners hang in the balance, high ranking executives in the financial sector have continued to maintain a lifestyle involving multiple properties, exorbitant bonuses, and hours of the day wiled away rolling around in piles of legal tender. To turn the tables, we’d like to see these guys lose something. The entire ceremony of humiliation must be recreated, with average Joes calling these gentlemen’s homes repeatedly, sending several notices by mail, and finally sending an eviction crew and repo men to drag them screaming from their homes. While bodily harm is not a practice in regular evictions and wouldn’t be a reciprocally congruent action, we feel a couple of punches thrown behind the scenes wouldn’t hurt.

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Tis’ the Season of Change

12/14/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: The Obama family is making changes, and of course we have our own suggestions for a national direction to a better, brighter future.

The Search: Obama Christmas Concert

This year we get to see, for the first time, what Christmas is like in the Obama White House. In addition to some classing up as per the wishes of first lady Michelle Obama, the annual Christmas concert got a line-up revamp. The bizarre mix of artists included Neil Diamond, YouTube celebrity Justin Bieber, and washed up former frontman Rob Thomas. In trying to decipher some sort of logic in this roster, the crew at OneRiot experienced not one but four aneurysms before discovering that this is all part of the Obama stimulus package. Reintroducing the public to classic stars, bolstering new mediums for fame, and resurrecting the zombie corpse of a horrible musical act from our past that just won’t die are all ways in which our President is massaging our brains and making us better. We’re liking this direction and happen to have a few similar suggestions of our own.

Soccer

One of Obama’s central missions is to reorient America with the world as a gentle giant and not as a tyrannical robot monster with machine guns for eyes, regular guns for teeth, and regular machines for fists. One way to achieve this is by tactfully removing us from the bubble of sports that are only popular in the US and nudging the population towards a more universal, albeit far less masculine, alternative. Soccer is loved all over the world, and it’s about time we jumped on the bandwagon. We’re not wearing those wack tube socks though. Just regular socks. With skulls on them. (more…)

Democratic Drugs

12/08/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

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The Story: Ecstasy pills in the shape of Obama’s head were just discovered.  Here are a few other politician/product parings.

The Search: Obama Ecstasy

Being on the pulse of all things in existence, OneRiot has been well aware of Obama branding since the beginning. Aside from concluding that the “other O” (as he is now being called on the internet) could even outsell Paul Newman in the salad dressing game, we’re sure that most products bearing Obama’s likeness aren’t licensed to do so. This was the case when police officers in Palmview, Texas found a bunch of ecstasty pills shaped like Barack Obama’s head in the car belonging to a really big fan of drugs.

This happening affirmed out belief that Obama can sell anything, and that his popularity is contagious. Sarah Palin isn’t even in politics anymore, but she sure as hell is a celebrity. As this trend continues, we’ve got some recommendations for all those who wish to break from the droll back and forth of American politics for the bright and sunny shores of capitalist heaven.

Joe Biden for Marlboro
Obama picked Biden as his running mate because the guy is an average Joe. I mean, hell, his first name is Joe, he grew up poor, and he’s got a son in the military. This is the image of a man who rolls up his sleeves and gets his hands dirty; the kind of man you can depend on; and the kind of guy who enjoys 25 to 40 short breaks during a regular work day, each time killing himself slightly. Yknow, a real man’s man. (more…)

PETA’s Presidential Pet Peeve

6/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics
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PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause and for the civil practice of symbolically throwing blood red paint on people wearing fur, has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom of Animalia: President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama.  The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life a common housefly whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview.  As a result of Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less vicious device for ridding pests from the President’s sphere of personal space, a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.

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Ye Olde Trickle Down // The Senior Stimulus Spend-Off

4/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Hot Topics

50 million retirees will march to their mailbox in the coming few weeks, perhaps assisted by a cane or live in nurse, and discover their advancing years and jobless state have brought them a sweet, sweet gift from the caring pockets of the United States Government.

Their present, a check for two hundred and fifty smackeroos, will be aimed at providing the US economy with a nice little boost at the hands of spend-happy seniors. So what does the government expect will come of this massive doling out? Well, one theory is that this is all an attempt to bailout makers of Fix-o-dent and Ensure in one fell swoop, but we think it’s all part of a more ingenious plan.

By supplying the elderly with monetary stimulus, grandchildren around the nation will be moved to suck up to their parent’s parents in the hopes of receiving a little bit of loot. They’ll have to use the phone since the elderly don’t know how to use computers, thereby providing a boost to the national telecommunications providers. Newly armed with checks in the range of 83 cents to $50, these most ravenous of youthful consumers will purchase everything from the latest Hannah Montana dolls to the hottest new Sony Playstation3 games made overseas, thereby siphoning heaps of cash into the global toy market, which will in turn put America’s money right back where it belongs: in Japan. Global Economic crisis averted (GObama).

Word Up, Prez: Obama Commits to Simplification of Tax Suckness

4/15/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

While most sensible Americans are well prepared for April 15th, there are those of us who find the language on our tax forms daunting, and the amounts extracted from our paychecks undesirable enough to avoid the yearly “Paying of the Taxes” entirely. Likely a result of his being an average American most of his life, President Obama expressed today that he realizes how overcomplicated our tax code is and that he is working towards simplifying it.

Part of his declaration hinted at transparency; simply knowing where your tax dollars are going and having a say in where they should be spent, as outlined in the documents serving as the basis for our nation and every functioning democracy in the world. Certainly, over the past decade or so, oodles of our money have been allocated to efforts we don’t exactly agree with after we’ve already paid the balance. Would you have paid that $200 in federal taxes if you knew it would be used to buy the shifter for an armored humvee or the binoculars for a border patrol guard? Probably not. Here’s another promise, among many, that we like hearing. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Chia Afro-Prez Offends Walgreen’s Shoppers

4/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

Chia, makers of home adornments for the sad and lonely, angered Walgreen’s patrons in Tampa and Chicago when the Chia Obama became available in the chain’s stores suddenly and without warning. The product looks suspiciously harmless to the untrained, rational eye - just a plantlife depiction of our current president’s former hairstyle - but those experienced with enragement at the trivial can discern the horrible injustice that is taking place here: simulating an afro via Chia is horribly, disgustingly racist.

Though Walgreen’s store managers can choose the merchandise carried in their stores, HQ had to be called in on this catastrophe, upon which the most powerful entities in the epic world of pharmacy struck the Chia Obamas from their shelves and willed them into dust. Thank whatever god you pray to, because this, the Chia Obama, was the biggest problem we have right now.

Obamas Pay for Their Own Style

3/30/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Hot Topics

In a show of solidarity with the American homeowner, the First Family Obama has opted to cover the cost of redecorating the White House with personal funds. While all newly elected presidents are allotted $100,000 specifically for this purpose, first lady Michelle Obama seems to have spearheaded the decision to decline this allowance, seeing that taxpayer money not be squandered on home luxuries for the ’serveant of the people.’ Nice to see she won’t be pulling a Jackie Kennedy.

While the notion means to appear a noble and modest one to Americans struggling with their own financial difficulties, it may very well be that the Obamas just wanted to drop a wee bit more than a hundred grand on their pad. They’ve hired Michael S. Smith for the redecorating job, a man who has finagled feng shui for the likes of Rupert Murdoch and Steven Spielberg. Absorbing the cost themselves means they need not disclose the amount of their expenditure.

Though we could easily doubt the good intentions behind this decision, let’s take solace in the fact that a little less of our money is being burned on stuff we don’t care about.

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