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Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

PETA’s Presidential Pet Peeve

6/18/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Politics, US

PETA, the organization best known for convincing beautiful women to pose naked for their cause and for the civil practice of symbolically throwing blood red paint on people wearing fur, has taken up arms against a new oppressor of the Kingdom of Animalia: President Barack “Quick Draw” Obama. The leader of the free world was caught on tape impressively using his lightning fast reflexes to end the life a common housefly whilst it buzzed around his being during an exclusive interview. As a result of Commander-in-chief’s savage swattery, PETA has sent his Executive Highness a message in the form of a less vicious device for ridding pests from the President’s sphere of personal space, a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher.

(more…)

Tags: Obama, PETA

Ye Olde Trickle Down // The Senior Stimulus Spend-Off

4/29/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under Economy

50 million retirees will march to their mailbox in the coming few weeks, perhaps assisted by a cane or live in nurse, and discover their advancing years and jobless state have brought them a sweet, sweet gift from the caring pockets of the United States Government.

Their present, a check for two hundred and fifty smackeroos, will be aimed at providing the US economy with a nice little boost at the hands of spend-happy seniors. So what does the government expect will come of this massive doling out? Well, one theory is that this is all an attempt to bailout makers of Fix-o-dent and Ensure in one fell swoop, but we think it’s all part of a more ingenious plan.

By supplying the elderly with monetary stimulus, grandchildren around the nation will be moved to suck up to their parent’s parents in the hopes of receiving a little bit of loot. They’ll have to use the phone since the elderly don’t know how to use computers, thereby providing a boost to the national telecommunications providers. Newly armed with checks in the range of 83 cents to $50, these most ravenous of youthful consumers will purchase everything from the latest Hannah Montana dolls to the hottest new Sony Playstation3 games made overseas, thereby siphoning heaps of cash into the global toy market, which will in turn put America’s money right back where it belongs: in Japan. Global Economic crisis averted (GObama).

Tags: Economy, Obama, Senior Citizens

Word Up, Prez: Obama Commits to Simplification of Tax Suckness

4/15/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Economy, US

While most sensible Americans are well prepared for April 15th, there are those of us who find the language on our tax forms daunting, and the amounts extracted from our paychecks undesirable enough to avoid the yearly “Paying of the Taxes” entirely. Likely a result of his being an average American most of his life, President Obama expressed today that he realizes how overcomplicated our tax code is and that he is working towards simplifying it.

Part of his declaration hinted at transparency; simply knowing where your tax dollars are going and having a say in where they should be spent, as outlined in the documents serving as the basis for our nation and every functioning democracy in the world. Certainly, over the past decade or so, oodles of our money have been allocated to efforts we don’t exactly agree with after we’ve already paid the balance. Would you have paid that $200 in federal taxes if you knew it would be used to buy the shifter for an armored humvee or the binoculars for a border patrol guard? Probably not. Here’s another promise, among many, that we like hearing. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Tags: Economy, Obama, Politics

Chia Afro-Prez Offends Walgreen’s Shoppers

4/07/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Because We Feel Like it

Chia, makers of home adornments for the sad and lonely, angered Walgreen’s patrons in Tampa and Chicago when the Chia Obama became available in the chain’s stores suddenly and without warning. The product looks suspiciously harmless to the untrained, rational eye - just a plantlife depiction of our current president’s former hairstyle - but those experienced with enragement at the trivial can discern the horrible injustice that is taking place here: simulating an afro via Chia is horribly, disgustingly racist.

Though Walgreen’s store managers can choose the merchandise carried in their stores, HQ had to be called in on this catastrophe, upon which the most powerful entities in the epic world of pharmacy struck the Chia Obamas from their shelves and willed them into dust. Thank whatever god you pray to, because this, the Chia Obama, was the biggest problem we have right now.

Tags: Chia, Obama

Obamas Pay for Their Own Style

3/30/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics, US

In a show of solidarity with the American homeowner, the First Family Obama has opted to cover the cost of redecorating the White House with personal funds. While all newly elected presidents are allotted $100,000 specifically for this purpose, first lady Michelle Obama seems to have spearheaded the decision to decline this allowance, seeing that taxpayer money not be squandered on home luxuries for the ’serveant of the people.’ Nice to see she won’t be pulling a Jackie Kennedy.

While the notion means to appear a noble and modest one to Americans struggling with their own financial difficulties, it may very well be that the Obamas just wanted to drop a wee bit more than a hundred grand on their pad. They’ve hired Michael S. Smith for the redecorating job, a man who has finagled feng shui for the likes of Rupert Murdoch and Steven Spielberg. Absorbing the cost themselves means they need not disclose the amount of their expenditure.

Though we could easily doubt the good intentions behind this decision, let’s take solace in the fact that a little less of our money is being burned on stuff we don’t care about.

Tags: Obama, White House

Obama Says Mexi-No To Drugs

3/24/09 - Posted by Evan Kessler under US

President Obama’s administration has unveiled a new $700 million plan to strengthen the nation’s Southern Border, in hopes that this will prevent our amigos a el sur en Mexico from bringing their escalating Cartel Wars across the U.S. Border.

The new proposition calls for a twofold increase in the amount of border security task force teams as well as a notable surge in the number of other agents keeping an eye on Mexico. While the move aims to improve intelligence sharing between the two nations, crack down on the transport of money, drugs and weapons, and prevent spillover of the violence into the U.S. at border towns such as Tijuana and Ciudad Juarez, Americans will most likely continue their exemplary patronage of those towns in order to get liquored up underage and engage in sordid affairs with cheap prostitutes. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!

Tags: Drug War, Obama

3.6T & Me: Obama’s Dishout Plan

2/27/09 - Posted by Carmel Hagen under Economy, Politics, US

Obama rolled out a beefy budget yesterday, and the $3.6 trillion dollar outline (that’s $3,600,000,000,000) put so many 24K gold stars in our eyes that we cumulatively blacked out. When we came to licking parking meters, we realized not even the most monetarily mature can fight the power of a 13-digit bank account – so we thought up some ways to keep Obama from the dark side. Spend, spend, spend Mr. President, it’s the only way you’ll come out alive.

Bring on the Weather

Making it rain is fun, but spring showers will do nothing to rid yourself of all those zeros. Go find a tornado, stick a few million in it, and let mother nature do her thing. Subsequent disaster relief will just be frosting on the cake.

The Great American Craft Project

How many dollar bills would it take to make a paper chain long enough to go around the world? Who knows - but the thought of all those George’s holing hands is sure heartwarming.

The Green Ticket

Hand cops a wad of bills to be used specifically for the purpose of writing parking tickets on. Time is money, and paper is trees, and all of those things are in short demand these days - so go green on us. With all those dang quotas to fill you’ll zap billions in no time.

We’ll Call it Ballerpaper

Prioritize: Do you want to go down as the best president or the fresh president? Floor to ceiling wallpaper, all $100 bills. Money-est decoupage project ever - and kids would suddenly enjoy DC field trips to boot. Do it, ‘Bama!

Feed the Dog

Some things you should know before this puppy shows up in April: Things will go missing, things will get eaten, and things will get peed on. But there’s a platinum lining to this sometimes stressful state of affairs - you can blame puppies for everything. Missing a few bills? Well… yeah. You have a dog.

Or, you can breeze through those trillies the way you told America you would. Best of luck, Obama - don’t worry, no one’s watching or anything.

Tags: Budget, Obama

AP Hates on HOPE (and We’re Hating Right Back)

2/05/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under US

Shepard Fairey, previously known best for his worldwide sticker campaign come street art movement depicting Andre the Giant, is being hassled legally by the Associated Press for using one of their Obama photographs for his artwork promoting the then-candidate.

Fairey’s ‘HOPE‘ image, which resonated on an international level, is now an iconic representation of the anticipation felt by many in the months leading up to the 2008 election. Fairey made no attempt to profit from the piece and even endorsed its use for various media, contingent only upon the user making a donation to one of a few charitable organizations supporting the arts.

Ignoring Fairey’s personal mission and its ostensible parallel to the political standings of the candidate he supported with his art, the Associated Press is attempting to receive compensation for use of their original image. While the concept of fair use implies that the originality of a piece is dependent on a subjective assessment of how much of the original work is used and to what extent the new work relies on the primary one, the AP feels that they are entitled to a cut of the revenue generated by this work of Fairey’s in particular.

Clearly, the photograph was just one of a billion of Obama, and really would never have made an impact without the artistic rendition that managed to have such a huge effect on people. Obama even acknowledged Fairey himself for his effort. I know there should be a joke somewhere in this article, but seriously, some shit is just not funny.

Tags: AP, Art, Obama, Shepard Fairey

Obamabitter: McCain Sour Over Barack Promises

2/05/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under Politics

In a shocking break from his usual stance, former republican presidential nominee John McCain is accusing Obama’s proposed stimulus legislation of being a ‘bad bill.’ The senator from Arizona has not been heard using that phrase since referring to President Clinton in the mid 90s.

McCain claims that since Obama has taken office, “we have seen major appointments that contradict the very impressive rhetoric” the new president is famous for. Though McCain’s comments could be cast aside as sour grapes after a close election, many are stating that the lack of experience republicans berated Obama about during campaign months may actually have some effect on the implementation of the change he stands for. As Obama-fever subsides, more and more on the left are warming up to the idea that Barack Obama is not a superhero from another planet, as his name might suggest.

The public Obama backlash is taking effect in the wake of scandalettes* involving Obama’s appointees to a couple of cabinet positions. Critics describe the recent issues as evidence that Washington will remain ‘business-as-usual’ despite Obama’s promise of a warmer, fuzzier government that giggles when you tickle it or pay your taxes. While it is much too soon to say whether or not he will be an effective leader, those who have made up their minds are confident that a month of his presidency is quite enough to judge him by.

Tags: John McCain, Obama, Politics

Milking Obama: The Inaugural Marketplace

1/22/09 - Posted by Abdullah Saeed under OneRiot News

I experienced the inauguration of Barack Obama with the people. Not those privileged enough to have tickets to the momentous event, but the four million or so that carried themselves through a locked down Washington DC, attempting to get as close to the action as possible. We began our walk on the morning of the 20th in South East DC and pushed through a sea of Americans, navigating our way through the crowd, jumping fences and darting past field trip groups with matching sweatshirts. Stress and apprehension whittled our group of six down to two, my friend Tom and I, as we managed to plant ourselves on a packed patch of grass about a quarter mile from the monument. We struggled for a view and stretched our necks to catch the loudspeaker speeches that were carried in and out of coherence by the freezing wind. It was worth the stress. And we weren’t the ones working.

A remarkable aspect of the public response to Obama since he entered this race has been the incredible amount of merchandise bearing the man’s name, and his inauguration was the single most crowded marketplace I have witnessed. Everything from calendars to scarves to family portraits, and of course a countless array of T shirts, was available for purchase. Vendors old and young, black and white, male and female, all touted their merchandise, the majority of which will undoubtedly sit in attics across America for the rest of time.

These independent business people selected their spots carefully. Wherever a mass in motion was funneled under a bridge, down a narrowing street or past a temporary barrier, they were perched, each with a unique product and a pitch to go with it. From the predictable “Obama T shirts! You are experiencing history! Commemorate this event with a T shirt!” to the less conventional “Jump start our economy one purchase at a time! Help Obama help you!” (That last one sounds great, but we were pretty sure these guys didn’t pay taxes on their earnings from this.) Some sellers trying to avoid the high competition areas paced the less populated streets. We became caught in the middle of a stare down between an older woman and a young man selling buttons on opposite sides of a sparsely crowded sidewalk. “Get your Obama buttons!” the man said. “Better buttons!” said the woman. There was a pause. Finally the man, thrilled at his own ingenuity, exclaimed “Best buttons! Get the best Obama buttons around!”

In an attempt to differentiate, many T shirt designs got straight up weird. In one family portrait, the Obamas looked suspiciously like the Cosbys. Others had the new president wielding boxing gloves and knocking down Bush, McCain, and even Bin Laden. Customers, touched by the madness of things, fished out tens with their frozen fingers to own these minute pieces of history. There were plenty of buyers for all, granted you had your personal selling down. My favorite was the man who skipped the bit about his product and simply asked passers by “What size you need?” As we passed a row of vendors in front of the White House, a elderly man with nothing to sell read what was on the minds of myself, Tom, and likely many others who realize constantly that, despite the future progress that this new president represents, our time taken out to watch him be sworn in came at an opportunity cost. “Damn. We could’ve made some money today”.

Tags: Business, Economy, Obama

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Posts Tagged ‘Obama’

Bring on the Weather

The Great American Craft Project

The Green Ticket

We’ll Call it Ballerpaper

Feed the Dog

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